AM I BEING USED BY PARTNERS FAMILY MEMBER

[Sophiak70]

Hi ,
I hope you don't mind me starting this thread for help as I do not have children of my own yet but I have felt a bit down lately,

So over the past 3 years I have got rather attached to my partners niece who is 16 , it mainly started with her mum who the family merely tolerate and seem wary of due to behavior in the past ( which didn't really involve me as I wasn't with my partner at the time) , moaning about how her daughters down due to stuff at school and her biological father not bothering with her , i felt she was hinting so i offered to take her out once with her stepsister (mums new partners daughter), i thought she was a sweet kid but didn't have much about her, she lacked with her school work , kept swapping friends , a little overweight and seemed a bit jealous/possessive of her stepsister , who is about a year older than her, she is a different kid all together and in one way seems to ' have it all' really great kid to be around, sense of humor , did well at school , tall and thin , has a lot of friends,
but as they have got older I have noticed her step sister seems to want to take her own path and go off with her own friends etc. which i feel my niece resents (she also has another step sister who is slightly older than both girls but has nothing to do with her dad and that side of the family now due to fallings out between all three girls ) her stepsister seems very close to her biological sister so I can only deduce that this is down to my niece being a bit of a troublemaker,

anyway over the past year or so my partner and I have taken her shopping, treated her to stuff, took her out for meals/cinema etc. mainly to make her feel a bit special and wanted, it is my own fault entirely as I have gone rather overboard but I just really feel for her because she seems a bit well sad and hopeless, and no one else really seems to do stuff for her , she classes her stepdad as a dad now and he has took her and her brothers on but , I do feel he only really does the bare minimum,
Anyway at one point I started to worry that her mum might have thought I was taking over but to be honest, she seems to love that we do stuff for her and kind of shows off to other members of the family ( which I find a bit strange) as if to make her seem important and special, anyway about a year ago her mum was moaning that her daughter who previously showed no interest in her prom now wanted to go, and kept on moaning about ‘finding the money ‘ for it , anyway so I agreed to pay for her dress , and we went shopping to get it and made her feel really special, my partner wasn’t very happy but let me get on with it as he knows I’m a bit of a soft touch, and without sounding crass, we do have the money to do It, we both have decent jobs and no kids of our own at present to fork out for , anyway when I mentioned it to her mum that I would pay , I kind of expected it to stay between us , but much to my surprise , her mum bragged to everyone in the family that I was paying , as if she was showing off, a few people tried to warn me and said I was mad, but the point is I wanted to do it for the girl and that’s all it was , anyway since then we have all had a bit of a family fallout over her mums behavior about something unrelated and didn’t speak for a few months , we now just about tolerate her ( and covid has been a blessing in disguise as an excuse to not really need to see them) but we have always responded to the kids if they have messaged us , but we have tried to back off , anyway the girls stepsister has passed her driving test which she has either paid for herself or maybe by her mums side , but cut a long story short , Due to feeling sorry for her and wanting to give her a boost , I am now paying for my nieces driving lessons, behind my partners back as he thinks it’s a cheek that im pretty much expected to pay for them, I just feel if I don’t I’m letting her down, but everyone is telling me I am being used , my head is a bit all over the place and its really getting me down.
Sorry just needed to rant and here opinions off strangers is sometimes easier as my friends/family are immediately on my side but maybe hearing other peoples views will help.

It sounds like you’re really kind but you should probably take a step back from it all and tell your partner you’re paying for these driving lessons

She’s 16. I don’t think you can expect the same emotional literacy and maturity from a teenager that you’d expect in a friendship with a peer. Your age means she’ll likely see you in a substitute parent role rather than that of a kind friend; and parents provide for children and aren’t really expected to be thanked for it. “Using” carries a connotation of manipulation that I doubt has even crossed her mind. It sounds like, as with many teenagers, she hasn't yet learned that adult relationships with other people need to be mutually beneficial and supportive and how to navigate that. So some of her actions are rather self-centred.

If you want to pay for the lessons because you want to help out a young woman whose family life seems a bit chaotic, then be open about it and say you’re just trying to give a young’n a leg up. But you aren’t her friend, in the same way someone her own age would be, and thinking of her that way changes the whole dynamic of what you’re doing and how you feel about it.

Hi,

I don't see her as a friend at all and she is not as mature as most kids her age when I'm with her k feel like I'm with a child , I realised I ranted a little on the post I feel used by her mum mainly

Just my opinion

If people have spare funds they may donate to a charity of their choice, or their time by volunteering

Sometimes it feels better to give money, presents or time to people that you know personally.

As in the case of charity donations, you should not be made to feel uncomfortable about how much money or time that you give.
You could have paid for half of the driving lessons & the parents pay the other half. Or DN gets a part time job & contributes too
Will you be expected to contribute to the costs of a car, insurance, breakdown, petrol, service etc ?

At what age do you stop 18, 21 ?

You have been kind & generous, but is also OK to say no sometimes

if you lay yourself out as a doormat, then you should expect people to wipe their feet on you!

Honestly, It sounds to me like youve become a bit of a godmother to this child. It does seem like the mother is taking advantage of it a bit, but I bet youre making a huge difference to this kids life.

I think id say "im prepared to pay for 10 driving lessons to get you started", or something along those lines, but I also think at 16, your relationship with your neice should be seperate to her mother and maybe try and steer it more to her being able to come to you for advice or a chat, rather than about money.
Its ok to explain to her that you were really happy to be able to pay for a few things for her, but money is a bit more tight at the moment

Youre doing a lovely thing for her and I am sure even if she doesnt express it much now as a 16 year old, she will always remember. It gives you a lot more confidence as a girl to have other people who care about you, want good things for you and express that care in your life. Especially when your own mother or parents are tricky unreliable customers. Don't feel obligated to do it, but don't feel used either, you can make a big difference in a young persons life.

If you removed finances from this relationship - what would happen???

She's 16 and you are paying for driving lessons?

Who did you give the money to? Because you can't learn to drive until you are 17.

Something's not right here.

@PartTimeLegend

She's 16 and you are paying for driving lessons?

Who did you give the money to? Because you can't learn to drive until you are 17.

Something's not right here.

Depends where you live, in Australia can do lessons at 16 but no test til 17

Whilst what you have done is nice but ultimately it isn’t doing her any good.
If this girl is so sad and hopeless wouldn’t guiding her or just chatting to her about things like career prospects, Saturday type jobs etc be more productive. Helping her to make good choices. Cinema tickets and prom dresses are not going to change what’s underneath.

I don’t understand why you are paying for driving lessons for a 16 year old. I thought 17 was the youngest you can get behind the wheel of a car

The whole family seem very fond of DRAMA - tbh I'd be running a mile from the whole lot, including your partner! (that's just me though, not saying you should)

From what you've said, this lass is pretty confused and sounds like her emotional needs are not being met within her immediate family. I do think it's very kind of you to take an interest in her, but you must be careful that the level of emotional and financial support you offer her is sustainable long term, including if your circumstances change - for example, if you and your partner have a child, you will simply not have the time, energy and money to continue supporting your DN at the same level, which could lead to her feeling abandoned and isolated all over again.

She's literally just turned 17

She has literally just turned 17, yes I agree I arranged for her to have a maths tutor but her gcse were cancelled due to covid last year and took her to college interviews

You are doing a kind thing but I don't think you should be going behind your partner's back with his family.

I think you can be interested in this girl without bankrolling her.

Put a limit on the lessons and perhaps encourage her to get a part time job which is good for your confidence.

I think you need to come clean with your partner and put a limit on how much you're willing to spend because you know if she passes her test she's going to be oh so sad that she doesn't have a car of her own!

It's not a good idea to have secrets like this from your partner. If you split up you might not even see this girl again.

I think that you need to work out how much you can invest in this girl. Will you buy her a car? Insure it? If you can't, will you be able to say no?

If you were male I think there'd be accusations of grooming and red flags here. Not by every poster but some would be very wary of a man who behaved like you. I know that you mean well but time to calm down perhaps. Is prom even running this year? Most schools in England have cancelled it.

Sorry but how can it be grooming when her mum is hinting and asking me to do this stuff aswell ? In my eyes I'm helping a family put who don't have much or care enough to help her out my question is am I being used for my money

I don't think that you're grooming but there's a fine line between trying to treat a young person (like you are ) and trying to buy their affection iyswim

Keeping the driving lessons secret is a major red flag. Tell your partner the truth or it makes you seem shady

If her mum hints as you buying stuff and you buy it then mum obviously benefits as she doesn't have to buy the thing that you do.

Are you annoyed at the hinting (understandable) or about people thinking that you're a mug because you're being used as a cash point?

You aren’t her mum and you are too involved
Stop paying for things and see what happens