Nervous around friend

[Ostara212]

This is outing but hey
If she's on here, she's on here
I doubt it though

I'm sure people will judge parts of what I'm about to say

I have a dilemma
I have a friend who has gotten more and more into conspiracy theories
Unfortunately she was the only friend prepared to meet for a walk in all the lockdowns - for which I was pitifully grateful. There are others living nearby but they wouldn't meet.

The loneliness of lockdown when you don't have anyone is awful. (Please keep in mind this is Relationships, not AIBU or the Covid board).

I'm starting to be alarmed by her though. She's come out with a couple of crazy conspiracy theories and I have a strong sense that she wants to "convert" me. She's fallen out with her sister because her sister can't cope with the crazy.

She's not been working officially, but I think she's on Only fans.

I just have a bad gut feeling about her now.

But I also know that when I was desperately lonely and worried, she was happy to comfort me.

I don't know what to do. Really I'd like to toughen up. So many people have turned inwards in lockdown, I don't blame them.

I'm seeing someone now but I imagine a casual boyfriend could get annoying very quickly in another lockdown. It's probably not going anywhere. It's mostly happened because I'm lonely.

I was trying to get some space from her but I am getting daily messages about when we can next meet up.

Interested in any thoughts. Thank you.

things change, relationships change.
you don't have to stay friends with her if it makes you feel uncomfortable and worried.
you don't "owe" her to stick with her now that she's sounding more and more weird to you just because she went for walks with you before.
I bet she didn't meet you just for your sake so you are not in any debt.

I'd tell her the truth, that her views are making you feel uncomfortable and you'd rather end this friendship.
you don't owe anyone anything

Zing "I bet she didn't meet you just for your sake so you are not in any debt."

I agree. But can I manage the total solitude again? I'm welling up just thinking about it.

Stick to your beliefs it she starts going on about conspiracy theories, be honest what you believe keep it brief for example yes I've had or going to have my COVID jab, I'm not worried about it and I believe I'm doing the best I can to protect myself and others or whatever it may be, brief and simple.
Ignore messages and calls until you want to connect with her, don't be under pressure, she will get the message if you don't get back to her daily.

Try and reach out to other friends too

From what you've said, I'm not sure you need to cut her off yet. Maybe eventually, but it doesn't sound that bad. I'd make clear your lack of interest in the bat-shittery - you can just say "I'm not really into all that", it doesn't have to be dramatic. But make clear it's not a line of conversation you're willing to engage in. If she respects that boundary, I think it's okay to proceed. If she doesn't - you might need to take a bigger step back.

I don't know how to answer that, I really feel for you.

I can only bring an example of my sister & I having very different needs when it came to boyfriends - she always hated being alone even though she knew they weren't good for her, but I would always be rather alone than with the wrong person.
possibly because I have a lot of interests & hobbies that I can do independently and was always content to do things on my own.
I'm sure there were other reasons but we could just never understood each others" point of view.

so if you are like her I see how you struggle when alone.
ideally, it'd be great if your friend could understand that certain topics are no-go and focus on talking about other things on your walks. then you could still see her without feeling alarmed.
do you think that's possible?

Thank you for the answers

To answer some queries

I've been honest but she is clearly frustrated and bored when I say to change the subject.

I've tried reaching out to other friends but two are pregnant now so still won't meet. They certainly won't meet come winter.

Another has suggested I need professional help - for loneliness?!

Self sufficient hobbies - yes, I have those but they closed down during lockdown and haven't reopened.

I would normally be happy seeing a friend once a week. I don't think I am a needy person. I can't imagine living with someone.

I should say, she's the type of person who will turn up with food when you're ill. I think she's a good person. She made a couple pf comments that freaked me out and I may be so affected by the dreadful zeitgeist of the moment, they just got to me?

Should maybe add, I live in a tiny flat. It's grim under normal circumstances but I have literally been dreaming about going back to the office. They were going to reopen two days a week this summer but have decided not to.

it seems you are happy to carry on if she avoids those topics.
Surely there are so many things to talk about - unless of course they are irreconcilable differences and her whole world view is vastly different from yours.
(I'd have to stay away from flat-Earthers for good)

so put it to her black & white, ask her if she wants to carry on with friendship without talking about those subjects.
let her decide.
if it's a deal breaker for both of you at least you know.

does that make sense?

I had to quit a 13 years long friendship because of something that was a deal breaker. she apologised, I'm still trying to forgive but the friendship was over as soon as she said what she said. it happens

Zing, I'm expecting flat earth any minute!

But when the shit hits the fan and there's no one else....does it matter if the person who will hug you is a flat earther?

I cannot go through the time I had before she "rescued" me. And it was a rescue. I called her in a state of utter despair....a state that was ignored by parents and close friends. She was the only one to say "oh my god, I'm coming over right now".

Some people are just really decent. She had her uncle live in her flat when he was dying of cancer. Got back from work every day to do the caring bit. I couldn't do that if you paid me.

I think I've answered my question haven't I.

she does sound a loving & caring person.
and I'm glad she had your back, sorry you had it so bad you needed rescuing

maybe it doesn't matter if she thinks weird stuff. maybe she needs the debate because she's confused or unsure or overinvolved and just needs a rational person to keep her grounded?

I mean people with very different religious views are able to keep close relationships, as long as they both agree to keep it clean and not trying to convince the other.

so maybe you could say that you are willing to listen to her ideas but she absolutely must understand that you disagree and she mustn't try to manipulate you and make every conversation about this.
after all what about your views and thoughts & interests?
surely there should be a balance

Zing there is a balance, she does listen to me prattle on

I will stick with it. I will see her at the weekend of she's up for it.

Thanks for the input, everyone.

Do you know what, what I'm reading here is that YOU are a terrible friend. You're using this woman to rescue you from your lonely life. You want her to keep on doing it, but not talk about anything that might trigger you or you don't like. She is not an emotional support dog you know. She sounds like an amazing kind and caring woman. One I don't think deserves a 'friend' like you.
I don't usually write replies as unkind as this one. But you need to have a look at yourself.

@Shitapillar

Do you know what, what I'm reading here is that YOU are a terrible friend. You're using this woman to rescue you from your lonely life. You want her to keep on doing it, but not talk about anything that might trigger you or you don't like. She is not an emotional support dog you know. She sounds like an amazing kind and caring woman. One I don't think deserves a 'friend' like you. I don't usually write replies as unkind as this one. But you need to have a look at yourself.

I haven't got triggers When she starts on with a CT, I say "I don't agree with that, can we talk about something else" and so far she has found that annoying.

I agree that the friendship can't survive without a certain amount of compromise. That was kind of what I was asking in the first place.

Normally I listen to my gut, and my gut says "don't be friends with a CT" very loudly....even though some people on MN think I am one.

I haven't overridden my gut before so it's going to be interesting I guess.

How often does the weird stuff come up?

I do get that people are complex and be absolutely lovely and trustworthy in some respects while holding opinions that really don't add up .at.all. from your own P.O.V.

Are you able to deploy a mixture of
'civil but baffled silence'
Non-committal noises such as 'hmm' 'goodness' 'huh'
Fairly shameless swerves in topic (e.g. jump from Laurence Fox to his BIL Richard Ayoade to Chris O'Dowd or something)
With a pinch or two of "That's a new take on it ..."
Or is she just full on tinfoil hat whenever you meet, now

It’s not so much that she’s a CT that I would find challenging (especially if they’re Covid related as I have long Covid), it would be her trying to convert me. If I say I don’t agree with something, I would expect a friend to accept that and agree to differ.

It also sounds like these CTs are all she wants to talk about, which I would also find hard work.

However, she does seem like a nice friend, so surely these are things you could talk through with her and find a compromise?

Please bear with me because to quote the (cancelled) Ryan Adams, "everything is broken in my head".

There's been a slow ramping up, I think. I don't really know. I was drinking a lot, we both were. (I've stopped). I think she's always been a CT but probably wants to get to know people before saying anything. I try to be open minded, which she knows.

The uncomfortable feeling first struck when she told me this:

she had fallen out with more people because when our age group started being vaccinated - is that 3 weeks ago? I have no sense of time - she was starting to reply to them with "you're stupid to get vaccinated because (insert CT here)." She wanted to know why I thought people were avoiding her after she did that!

I explained the possible reasons and she was clearly cross with me for my answers, which were careful and polite. It ended fine but only because she was containing her anger at me, I think. From her body language, I'd say she didn't get the replies she wanted from me.

The next time I saw her, she floated a CT I won't type on here. I countered it with facts and she seemed to be genuinely unaware of them and said I'd made her rethink.

She's now "joking" about having no friends left. I think she put all this on Facebook. Her sister is so upset/angry that they now don't visit their parents at the same time.

I'm aware if this was a partner, I'd be told "get away". I suppose because it's a friend it seems less harmful.

Has she reached the anti semitic level of CT yet? Once people get to that level I would find it difficult to see them in the same light, it's so at odds with someone previously being lovely and kind so it can be confusing when they take on harmful and hurtful views.

Imagine a world where your friends (presumably 20/30s and healthy) won't hang out with you because they're scared of a bad cold but the one person who will (and despite this contact neither of you appears to have suffered ill health) is the lunatic 🥲

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Has she reached the anti semitic level of CT yet? Once people get to that level I would find it difficult to see them in the same light, it's so at odds with someone previously being lovely and kind so it can be confusing when they take on harmful and hurtful views.

No, that's an example of something I fear might happen.

This summer, she's started making comments like

red pill, blue pill
How far down the rabbit hole do you want to go (I don't)
Isn't all this just really fascinating (about people's behaviour).

I am not fascinated. I am scared, finding the future bleak, finding people I thought were nice are actually really nasty.

Writing it all down, it's like the balance is, she's my shoulder, I'm the person who will listen to her vent and not just reject her because she has certain ideas.

No doubt one of the meaner posters will accuse me of something awful here, but also....as I said, I think she's on Only Fans. She's done that kind of work in the past.

She lost her job at the start of lockdown. When she came here, I always overcatered, sent her home with the extra food saying I wouldn't be able to get through it. I offered to lend her money. I wouldn't have seen her go short. But yes, I think she's on there and I don't know where that might lead. I realise it will make her more money than she got before. But something about it gives me the ick. I'm sure some will be offended by that but 🤷🏻‍♀️

@someusernameorother

Imagine a world where your friends (presumably 20/30s and healthy) won't hang out with you because they're scared of a bad cold but the one person who will (and despite this contact neither of you appears to have suffered ill health) is the lunatic 🥲

Yes, I know what you mean And people on here think I'm a CT so I get it. I suppose there are levels of CTness now.

@someusernameorother

I don’t think it’s the fact that she won’t have the vaccine that’s putting her friends off. (As you say, they are presumably young and healthy and, once they’ve had their jabs, protected against Covid anyway.) But she isn’t leaving it there, is she? She’s going on at them about their choice to have the vaccine. Surely ‘their body their choice’ should apply whatever choice they make with regard to taking the vaccine?

[quote LizzieW1969]@someusernameorother

I don’t think it’s the fact that she won’t have the vaccine that’s putting her friends off. (As you say, they are presumably young and healthy and, once they’ve had their jabs, protected against Covid anyway.) But she isn’t leaving it there, is she? She’s going on at them about their choice to have the vaccine. Surely ‘their body their choice’ should apply whatever choice they make with regard to taking the vaccine?[/quote]
I would agree with that. If only people were allowing those choosing not to have the vaccine to make their own choices about their bodies. Nobody seems to have a go at those trying to force vaccines on the unwilling. Nobody should be trying to force people either way

This new study apparently shows that for every three lives the vaccine saves, it kills two:

www.mdpi.com/2076-393X/9/7/693/htm

Oh lord
Please don't turn this into a covid thread

I said yes to meeting up next week. Will see how things go.