I'm feeling so confused and don't know what to do. I'm 33 and have been married for 5 years but with DH for 12 years. We're currently on a trial separation and in relationship counselling but I honestly don't know if I want to still be with him.
Longstanding issue is I have never felt a priority to him. It's kind if difficult to explain and pin point why, but it's always felt like everything else in his life e.g. work, friends, hobbies is prioritised over me. I guess I stuck it out because I had completely up ended my life for him, and also although it wasn't perfect, I was never unhappy 100% of the time and I felt so lucky a guy like him would want to be with me. I've always had low self-esteem. Plus, the relationship gave me the security I have always wanted having grown with with divorced parents who hated one another.
The last 2 years have been particularly tough. Firstly, I've lost 4 pregnancies at around 5 weeks. He was supportive at the time of each but I don't think he comprehends the lasting impact. His brother had a baby last year (they live in anothr country) and I haven't been able to engage in any conversation about their baby or respond to photos they send. I find the photos incredibly triggering and just feel incredibly sad and angry that it's not me. Our last big argument before the separation, he said he is fed up of defending me to his family. He has also told me I need to "get over it".
Then lockdown happened. He was effectively furloughed whilst I was working full time in the NHS. He spent a lot of time gaming and just generally being unhelpful. I felt he could have offered to do more around the house. It also became evident to me that we have no shared interests. I think I was blind to this before as I've beeb busy focussed on my career and never really had to spend this much time with him before. Even before lockdown I had told him I was unhappy with the mundaneness of our lives. Every evening the same....eat, watch TV, sleep. Never doing anything together at weekends.
I also think I have changed a lot the last couple of years. I don't know what it is but since being in my 30's I've really learned to love myself and have more confidence. And I'm now thinking that I deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes me happy who is a better match. I also want the same for him. I'm finding I resent him more and more after each counselling session as I feel he is refusing to own up to the part he has played in our relationship failing. I'm not perfect and I've been open about things I've done, like for the past few months before the separation I barely talked to him because I was fed up of trying.
I'm so scared of starting over at 33. I worry with my miscarriage history I could lose the chance to be a mother by the time I get in another relationship. I feel like 12 years is a lot to throw away, but equally I canmot be this miserable for the next 40 years. We're currently on a fixed term mortgage and financially we would lose a lot of money if we sold now. So what are the options there? I'm kind of rambling here so thank you if you have stuck with it. I'm just so confused about how to proceed.