Is this a red flag?

[Castlesonthehill]

I’ve been dating / in a relationship with a new man for just over a year. We spend around 2-3 nights a week with each other and speak every day. He is 55 and divorced with DC in their early twenties.

Naturally a few issues have come up where I have felt slightly insecure or anxious about something, but every time I have brought any of these things up with him, he gets extremely defensive and upset and tells me I am criticising him, and he feels “too fragile to handle criticism,” and that he is “on the edge.”

His ex wife was apparently very critical of him and always made him feel inadequate if I probe any more he makes comments around how demanding she was in terms of money and having a big house and DC school fees and he feels he’s worked so hard to provide and she just seemed to hate him more and more for doing it and being away (which he had to be for work.) she eventually left him.

The kind of things i express or ask are very different. Eg yesterday I had a slight insecurity around one of his female friends who he is seeing today (in a group.) they dated briefly after his divorce but it did not work and now they are friends. I have been cheated on on the past so I expressed to him very apologetically my anxiety about his female friend today and said I felt a bit silly to be insecure but that I knew it would be fine but I just wanted to be open with him.

He said that I was being very passive aggressive with him for saying this and it’s exactly what his ex wife used to do. He said it made him feel criticised and like a “shell of a person” for the way I was passive aggressively making him feel like he was inadequate or not doing the right thing.

I can’t really comprehend this and I am not sure if I am the only one. I have had lots of years of therapy, I don’t think I was trying to “aggresse,” him directly or indirectly. I just wanted to get some reassurance. Why was he taking it as criticism?

I told him I had just wanted reassurance and then he started saying things like - how can you question me? How can you even be insecure about this? Isn’t it evident how I feel about you that we see each other 2-3 nights a week and I call you every day and show you I think about you all the time? Why is that not enough for you that you have to make these passive aggressive little remarks?” And he was getting more het up as he was talking.

I don’t get it.

It’s difficult to know from your post what is really going on for both you and your partner. I think we all gain baggage over the years and it sounds like some of his is affecting his relationship with you. In my view he needs to resolve his baggage (and you need to resolve yours) so you can move on together.

For a start he needs to look up the definition of passive aggressive.

Too tiring. Get out now. He's taking out all his previous relationship woes on you. He needs to be single for a lot longer. This will not be an equal relationship as he is always right.

I agree with previous posters and think you both need to address your baggage before trying to find new relationships. You’re each expecting the other to put right the wrongs caused by a previous partner: he’s being unfair saying that you need to change who you are because it reminds him of things his ex wife used to do and try to manipulate your behaviour to his liking that way; and it’s really quite unfair of you to burden him with feeling he has to reassure you he isn’t cheating or thinking about it because of your anxiety and insecurity resulting from another man’s behaviour. Your new partners aren’t responsible for putting right wrongs caused by another; getting over that is something you need both to work on yourselves.

It can be perceived as passive aggressive to, essentially, dress up an accusation that your partner is or would consider cheating on you (because unless you suspect his friend would jump on him unawares and he’d be unable to fight her off, cheating would involve him making a decision to do so, and is therefore basically an accusation) as anxiety and insecurity. I have a very basic rule in relationships and it’s that I won’t constantly reassure another person that I’m not going to cheat because of their previous bad experiences. My integrity isn’t something I need to defend.

He’s teaching you that you must never, in any way, criticise or question him because he’s fragile/on the edge/he’s a shell of a person. You’ll walk on eggshells around him for fear of being the one that tips him over! I’d get rid of him. You’ll end up never being able to voice a difference of opinion, what with him being ‘fragile’

I wouldn't call it a red flag, which means stop immediately.

He is a poor communicator, at a minimum, which doesn't bode well.

He is also trying to shape your behaviour and the comparisons with his ex don't strike me as genuine.

Does he never get questioned by his boss or colleagues or bank or anyone else? I'm guessing it's only you he seeks to silence.

I'd tell him you won't be spoken to like that and don't want a relationship where you can't express yourself and you want a week's breathing space.

See what he does next. And have a fabulous week off from this big baby of a man.

His behaviour is poor but so is yours, tbh. You’re making him pay for the actions of your ex. “Trust issues” is not an excuse for expecting someone to reassure you and is quite tiresome.

I think you both have conflicting baggage. He is very sensitive to perceived criticism and you have the need to seek constant reassurance over things that make you feel even slightly insecure. Basically he is hearing that you don't trust him - this might not be what you mean, but to be honest that's what I'd have hear too. You want to be extremely open about your issues, but sometime that's not a good thing outside of therapy. If you knew it would be fine, why the need to share? Why this need to be open about every little thing? I'm all for being open emotionally in a relationship, but not about every tiny thing. It gets repetitive, boring and self centred. Instead of having a lovely evening with friends, you made it all about you and your emotional needs wrapped up in apologies and self deprecation (being silly).

It's not his job to constantly verbally reassurance you because of your past experiences. Nor is it your job to police what you say because of his past experiences. I would say you are a bad match and both your needs clash. Neither of you are hearing what the other is actually saying, filtering it through your own baggage.

Can I ask what was your motivation for telling him? Were you hoping he wouldn’t go? I assume that’s what he’s taken from it, passive aggressive is the wrong word but the intent of what he is saying is clear. He has taken this to mean you don’t wish him to go and that’s why you told him, that you didn’t wish to tell him not to go, so tried to guilt trip him into not going by explaining your issues.

You both have trust issues. You can either work through them together and be empathetic to each other's experiences, or you end the relationship. At the moment you seem to think that your issues are more valid than his, which is not kind or fair.

Sorry and I’d add that I agree with the previous posters, this can easily be taken as an accusation that you think he’s going because he wants to get with her, to cheat on you, but you’ve been underhand in how you delivered it.

Neither of you are right here. The key question is what was your true motivation for telling him, and was he wrong in how he took it? As in genuinely wrong?

There's nothing wrong with having any feeling, including insecurity.

And in a relationship it's healthy to express those feelings.

And it's good to verbally talk them through.

I'm struggling to see the "OP has unresolved issues and should STFU" angle.

She's known the guy a year, presumably hasn't been invited to this gathering and is getting told that voicing her feelings isn't acceptable because he can't handle and doesn't want to hear it.

I was in an abusive relationship with my ex, and for the first two years of my current relationship I really struggled with criticism (because all I'd learned was that doing things wrong was the fastest way to a hard slap in the face or having a cigarette put out on me). I had to work on things, and I did, with the help of meds and counselling, and now things are a million times better.

None of us know what's really going on with the two of you, but the one thing for sure is that if either of you have issues, they're not going to go away on their own.