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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

9 year relationship

8 replies

Muzara · 24/06/2021 02:51

It's kind of a messy situation.

Me (28) and girlfriend (26) of 9 years broke up with me just over a month ago. We lived together for 8 of the 9 years together and also have a 5 year old daughter. We lived in a toxic house with toxic people and were unable to move out due to financial reasons. We argued alot and were both miserable living in that environment. Other than the stupid fights and depression, I was always really good to her. We finally saved enough to move on our own but by then we were no longer together. We moved out and signed a 1 year lease together despite not being in a relationship together.

Living in the previous house has made my ex very depressed and closed off and once we finally moved out she started reconnecting with old high-school friends and is now binge drinking almost every single night leaving me home with our daughter and not coming home for 1 or 2 nights at a time. Only to do it all over again after a few nights rest at home. We get along great when she isn't out drinking and talked about trying to repair things now that we live alone. She seems hesitant to try and repair things mainly because I think she's going through this party phase. It's so out of character for her as she absolutely adores our daughter and never before wanted to be away from her even for a few hours. Now she leaves and doesn't come home for multiple nights and it doesn't seem to phase her. I know the people she hangs around with are definitely party animals and are having an influence on her but I'm not sure what to do anymore? I want to fix our family and be there for her because I know she's hurting, but I know it's unhealthy for her to cope like this. Any advice or similar experiences? I can provide more details if anything is unclear.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 24/06/2021 02:56

I would be kicking her out and going to court for custody. Think about what's best for your child, and it's not being around a parent like that. The drinking is trouble enough, but I would also be very concerned about drug use. The disappearing for days must be very traumatic and confusing for your daughter, too. Your child needs a stable, peaceful environment. Please make sure she has it.

Muzara · 24/06/2021 03:04

I have definitely thought about that approach. The only thing holding me back is that this has just recently started. I make sure to care for my daughter first and make sure she is happy and unaware of what is happening. If things progress worse off then I will definitely go with this, but I am still hopeful she is just going through some kind of short idiotic phase.

OP posts:
CharlieSocial · 24/06/2021 07:49

Your daughter will be aware her mum goes off and then comes home hungover and tired. The quality of their time together must be very dreadful

66babe · 24/06/2021 07:53

You must sit her down while she is awake sober and clear headed
You must tell her in no uncertain terms that as a mother ... this is not on
She's had her fun and now it must stop or you will leave with the child and she will see you in court
Today

HollowTalk · 24/06/2021 07:56

I wouldn't tolerate that level of chaos in my child's life and if she didn't change immediately then I wouldn't hesitate to move away with my child.

updownroundandround · 24/06/2021 11:11

I agree that this may well be a 'phase', but it doesn't mean that it should be allowed to continue.

When she is home, and sober, talk to her. Get her to tell you what she would like her future to look like.

If she starts to talk about 'freedom' and 'adventures', ask her how she thinks being a Mother would work with this 'freedom' ?

You may not get the answers you are hoping for, but you need to know, so that you can plan your own future with your DC.

Sakurami · 24/06/2021 11:17

Well there are two parents so she can go out and party and still be a good mother, right?

Sounds like you both settled down very young and didn't get a chance to explore being young and carefree.

If you're split then work out a custody and I'm sure she'll go out when your daughter is being looked after by you.

If the relationship can still be salvaged maybe sit down and work out a plan where you can both have some fun time with friends, fun time as a couple and fun times as a family.

seensome · 24/06/2021 12:15

This isn't the odd night out but binge drinking every night and disappearing 1-2 nights a week?
She isn't fit to be a mother, even when she's home she's not much use with a hangover. Tell her she needs to stop this now or you need to live independently with just you and your child.

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