We can’t communicate…

[Slip360]

Hi all,

Looking for a bit of advice. I’ve been with my partner just over a year and we moved in together a few months ago.

We get on really well generally, have similar interests, have a very good sex life, and whilst you can never be 100% sure I do trust him wholeheartedly and have no reason to believe he would cheat.

However…. We can’t communicate. If I tell him the sky is blue he’ll tell me I think it’s pink, yes I wrote that right - he tells me what I think. He goes around the houses in discussions, bringing in random points and escalating them from a general talk to a full blown argument. I’ve tried shutting them down, I’ve spoken to him clearly, but still they blow up. He also switches his stance from “I can be supportive and make more of an effort” to “I’m a dickhead and I’m never gonna change”. I don’t say these things to him by the way, he just flip flops around and I don’t know what’s going on.

How do we change this? I’ve done the things he’s asked of me but he doesn’t seem to want to change. It’s driving me mad and I never know which way is up when it’s happening.

Aside from this he is very loving and affectionate but I just don’t get it. I hope there’s a future but I’m just not sure and wondered if anyone had experience or insights?

Thanks all x

He won't change OP. It will just get worse and worse

One year in and he's playing games with your head.
Honestly at this stage it shouldn't be this hard - you will never change him. He doesn't see there's a problem and nothing you can do will change that. You're already doing things the way he wants them, so he has no incentive to change and anyway he can't - it's the way he's wired.

Yep it's a whole batch of red flags and you need to leave asap whilst you can still think straight.

How do we change this?

You don't because he will never, ever change. He will only get worse with his head fuckery and gaslighting. You need to run for the hills, as quickly as you can. He is doing all of this on purpose to grind you down and make you feel perpetually confused and insecure. He wants you to feel like you're the one with a problem. Just get out. Now.

It's not that you can't communicate OP. He deliberately won't, no matter what you say he will argue the opposite and that is deliberate. It's nasty and toxic and mind numbingly wearing.
This is one of the things my ex did, and it just got worse by degree until we could not communicate at all.

If I tell him the sky is blue he’ll tell me I think it’s pink, yes I wrote that right - he tells me what I think. He goes around the houses in discussions, bringing in random points and escalating them from a general talk to a full blown argument.

Come on, op, step back and really think about it. Who does this? No one except an abuser and a narcissist. This is the polar opposite of normal, healthy behaviour. He picks fights on purpose, just to keep you miserable and unbalanced. It's absolute madness. End this nightmare because the relationship is doomed.

Move out!

How do we change this? I’ve done the things he’s asked of me but he doesn’t seem to want to change. It’s driving me mad and I never know which way is up when it’s happening.

It's not a "we" thing. We can't change it because half of we doesn't want to. You might want to, but he has already told you he won't change.

He does this because it works for him and he has no interest in change.

Look at what you said - you change to try to please him, he doesn't.

A big red flag in a relationship is feeling confused. 🚩 🚩 🚩

He's a dick.

That is the long and the short of it.

Listen to your instincts. You already know this is all kinds of wrong. Get out before he completely fucks with your head.
The good bits unfortunately are not worth the rest of it.

@Slip360

HUGE waving RED FLAGS !!!!

He couldn't be any clearer ! He TELLS you what YOU think FFS !!

Run as fast as you can away from this person !

He'll never love you.
He'll never respect you.

In the race of Life, you've picked the 3 legged Nag that bites anyone stupid enough to get close !!!!

Op, you are writing this on a public forum looking for validation for your opinion. We all agree.
He's no good for you and its going to take its toll on you.

OP do you tell other people what they are thinking? If not, why not?

Do you want to resolve differences rather than have endless circular arguments?

Then I suggest you end the relationship. The beginning of the relationship is the worst because you're loved up and willing to overlook glaring red flags. But, that is when the red flags are waving in our faces and it's the best time to end it. He's not going to change and it's a blessing to you that you can see it this early on. Lots of abusive types or headworkers don't start until their feet are firmly under the table but yours has started from the beginning.

He might change if he doesn't want you to end the relationship but more often than not, it's temporarily and it will just start up again as this kind of behaviour is ingrained. Don't waste your time trying to work out why - it doesn't matter and will make no difference. What matters is how it makes you feel and it makes you feel like you're going mad. End it OP and find someone kind, who doesn't tell you what you think and wants to resolve problems in your relationship.