Family Issues

[Newmum0331]

Hi All,

Regular poster name changed. Im posting as im finding my relationship with my dad and partner really tough and could do with some advice. When I was a teenager I had a relationship and way too early fell pregnant with DD (now 16). My dad and his partner were brilliant - very supportive and really helped me, but one thing they should never ever have done was encouraged and almost expected me to continue in a relationship with my dd’s dad. They did though and I didnt want to disappoint.

I stayed with this man for 17 years and it was an awful volatile relationship where he would hit me regularly; control me and even at times lock me in the house when he went to work. I ended up with two other children DS 8 and DS 4 with him and since we separated it turns out all he wanted with those children was to control me as he isn’t interested in seeing them now unless it is when I have plans and then he cancels or sends them home ‘unwell’.

My family were always involved in my life during that time - having the kids overnight and supporting with child care, sleep overs- you name and they did it. I didn’t realise how much I relied on them until I split with my now ex.

We split 2 years ago and he very much groomed my family - popping round for coffee and attempting to keep them on side explaining id come to my sense etc.

Anyway time has gone on and I’ve met someone new about 18 months ago - bit of fun for a few months and proper relationship the last year. My children all get on really well with him and ask all the time when is he coming over etc or can he sleep over and whatever.

Anyway, 3 months ago following a strange cycle I caught pregnant. I was in shock and very surprised as we’ve always been careful. We talked it all out and decided to go ahead with the baby. I have last week told my Dad and partner and they have basically barely acknowledged it.

They aren't sad for me, happy for me, angry with me or anything. I’ve had no replies to any messages about the scan photo or anything and i’m perplexed.

One of my best friends has said is it because they almost enjoyed me being unhappy as it meant they could still act as the parents - couldn't have kids of their own so would often have mine overnights or would buy things for them but now i’m ‘grown up’ is it that they are worried they cant control me anymore?

I just dont want to believe that and need some advice. How do I go about finding out? My oh is really hurt by all this and feels my family arent interested in him. The kids dont know anything yet and I want this sorted before they find out. Help please.

Sorry apologise for the length!

Anyone with any advice?

So so sorry to read all this
Do you really need them ? You are older now , an experienced parent , new relationship, been pregnant and know the process well ?
I'd just back off and keep my children close
If they want contact and to be there for you .. then so be it
Otherwise if just get on with it and leave them to it
There are not too many parents out there who would enjoy their child's unhappiness , discomfort and unhappy relationship... maybe they were just fooled by him also
Good luck @Newmum0331
💐💐💐💐💐

Can you talk to them and ask why they don't seem interested in this pregnancy ?

Do they see it as something that would jeopardize you 'reconciling' with your Ex ?

Do they know what your Ex was like, and what he did to you ?

I think the first step is to actually talk to them and ask them.

They're a lot older now too and this is (if I'm counting it right) your fourth baby. Maybe they're just a bit weary? You know them best so it's hard to guess, but from what you've said they've helped you a lot over the years so it seems a bit mean to leap to them liking you being unhappy, just wanting to control you, and laying the blame for you staying with your ex on them - not saying they wouldn't have been a factor, but you can't put it on them after 17 years. The comment about them not being able to have kids seems especially unkind. What if they just loved you and your DC and saw that you needed the help? Maybe the truth is somewhere in the middle, I don't know, but it does seem harsh to have all that help and then decide that they're against you all along.

You were only single for six months (of your whole adult life, again if I'm reading it right) before getting together with current DP and as you say this pregnancy was unplanned, as your first one with ex was, maybe they're also a bit wary of what to say about it. I think as you are a grown up now, then focus on your DP and DC and don't lean on your DF and his partner or expect too much from them. Your DP should be big enough not to let this hurt him and to see that they might be cautious about embracing him, especially if your ex has done a number on them. Or maybe they have genuine reservations about your DP? Hard to know. But agree the best step is to have a conversation with them rather than guessing.

The issue with abusers is that they portray a fake image of themselves to the outside world;they are also very manipulative not other to their victim but to their family too.

People unfortunately are shitty and will often question "why" someone has stayed with an abuser so long if their life is that bad but that's on them;it's uncomfortable for people especially very close family to acknowledge that they've failed someone by not acknowledging the abuse they've suffered at the time they were suffering;misplaced guilt.

You mentioned you met your ex as a teenager and was with them for 17 years;the issue there is that your dad and partner have been fostering that relationship with your ex as a parent and son relationship;they've watched you both grow up together.

I'm so very glad you've moved on and are happy.It's wonderful you and your partner are having a baby.

Hopefully at some point your dad and his partner will start to realise that you're happy and want to be involved.

Thank you so much for the positive and humbling posts. I tried to talk to my dad yesterday and unfortunately he confirmed my fears - his biggest upset is that I don't go to ‘him’ anymore and instead go to my new partner. He also said they are worried now I’m happy that I want to do things with my partner instead of them.

I’m very aware its all very new and not expecting them to adjust quickly or to love my partner as much as I do. They’ve tried to
imply they know the kids reactions better than me and challenged me over things my DP and I have already thought through.

Thanks again.

I think that's a more positive outcome than I was expecting
You have relied on them in lots of ways all your life and now they see another man walk in and they fear being pushed out maybe ?
Make sure you include them, ask their opinion on stuff and try to integrate the new partner into your family
Good luck 💐

I think you need to stop relying on them and definitely stop sending your kids to them as often. Focus on your kids, building the relationship with DP that centres around them, and treat your DP like others would their parents eg by dropping visits to every fortnight / month etc

@Ozanj I don't agree with that at all
The children seem to have a very good relationship with the DGP if they suddenly drop seeing them so often or having less support I guarantee the new DP will get the blame
It's about showing respect to the parents and then integrating t he new partner into that bubble
He's the newbie

Thank you. I think it could get worse if they open up anymore. Appreciate all the input