Sexless Marriage

[MintBall]

I feel really bad even typing this about my DH as he is the most caring, kind, generous, loving, thoughtful, man I know. He is fantastic with our DD's and they absolutely adore him, we all love him more than he will ever know, and I know he loves us in the same way.

There is just one problem for me, and that is we have only had sex once in the last year. I know that it is difficult when DD's are little to get any guaranteed, undisturbed adult time, but even the smallest amount of physical affection would make me feel better.

When I do try to bring the subject up he is too tired, or there is something he needs to do. We talked about getting our lovelife back on track earlier this year, we went out and bought some beautiful underwear, but it is still sitting in the bag, when I have tried it on for him, nothing, I don't know what to do. He tells me he still really fancies me after 12 years, but I want to feel this.

I don't want earthshattering sex every day, but I would love to feel wanted at least once a week, even just to be kissed or touched in a passionate way, rather than kissed on the forehead would make such a difference.

I just love him so much, but this is really starting to get me down. Any ideas?

Is there any physical affection generally?

My marriage is the same except we haven't had sex for 12 years. Yes you read that right.

Have tried counselling (but not in UK).

There are quite a few people on here in teh same position.

Is going away together without children a possibility?

Would he go to a doctor? A counsellor?

Yes I do get hugs and cuddles, and touched in "safe" areas, head, arms, legs etc. So there is a bit of physical affection.

I'm sure he would go to a counsellor, I have actually just ordered a couple of books, and I'm hoping these will help me approach the subject with him again.

We have only had one night away from the children in the last years, but we do get the odd day together when they are at nursery and school, but on the whole these are spent doing things around the house or going out for lunch.

How do you feel after no sex in 12 years?

Haven't got long am afraid - am in Budapest so an hour ahead of UK and the school run beckons.

How do I feel? Honestly it doesn't really bother me that much any more. Not to say I wouldn't like things to change but am not sure they can so have given up banging my ahead against a brick wall and upsetting us all.

Have a search on here - there are lots of threads about the same subject. Was one yesterday i noticed called "Impotence".

Buda, thanks for your time. I will do a search.

Hi mintball, yes there is a few of us on another thread. I would link you to it but not sure how.

Hi Mintball, if you love him so much, do go for counselling. If he wants to get your lovelife back on track, he'll make the effort - and you need to establish why things have stopped - is it physical or psychological, does he avoid intimacy because he's afraid of failure, or what.

Buda, 12 years - I thought my marriage was a freak experience, but MN's shown me it's not that uncommon. Sadly, my marriage didn't survive it. Again, lovely husband, good with dd etc etc, but he didn't have a strong sex drive when we met, and it fizzled out completely when I was pregnant. We didn't really discuss it except once when I referred to it when dd was 3 months old and he said things would get back to normal. Well, they didn't, we never had it again, after 10 years I had an affair with an ex-boyfriend and we split up.

I do think I should have made more of an effort to find out why things went wrong early on, but I stopped fancying him after a couple of years and let things ride until I met up with the exbf and old feelings revived. Am very happy with the exbf who is now my dp, but sad that my exh lost out on his marriage and day to day relationship with dd as a result.

So do seek some help Mintball.

mintball you have my sympathies. I am in the same situation. I have just told dp that I want to leave as despite all our talking nothing ever changes and i don't want to live like this any more
I really hope that you manage to find a solution and that everything works out for you

I did confront him about it this morning, not ideal, about 20 mins before he needed to leave for work. He was just lovely, and we are going to do something proper about it. We haven't stopped being attracted to one another, we have just totally got out of the habit of any intimacy, and he realises this. As I said to him it doesn't need to be a marathon, just 15 minutes of cuddles and kisses would go such a long way.

Thank you so much for your replies it stops me feeling like I'm completely alone in this situation, as most of my RL friends constantly complain of their husbands unwanted attention!

Good luck Mintball, hope you and your DH manage to pick up the 'habit' again - you obviously want to !