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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is my friend being used? What do you think?

1 reply

nicole1982 · 23/06/2021 20:05

In summer 2019, my friend (divorced, no kids) went on holiday to Tunisia and ended up having a holiday romance type thing with a guy over there.
Before covid struck, she used to travel back there every couple of months on cheap deals with a budget airline to see him. Each time she stayed in a hotel (I should add he didn't stay in the hotel with her because in his country this would be forbidden as they're not married. Ok if both foreign but not ok if 1 is a local person).
My friend seems smitten by this guy and seems so happy with him. has never said anything negative about his character or behaviour but it worries me that he seems to live in bad poverty (living hand to mouth), no savings, no secure job, not a great education..
Each time she's there, my friend pays for everything, even to the point of paying for his mum's groceries or medicines. The family seems to treat my friend as some kind of money tree.
Makes me worry about her being badly exploited, especially as she's so lovely and keen to please this guy.
They're talking about marriage and bringing him over to the UK but I'm worried that he'll bleed her dry once he's here. He has a very laid back attitude towards finding work, tells her stuff like "well it's ok... you have a good job..". As though he's already planning to live off her. Already has her sending money over to him regularly, usually for "gas bills", "food shopping", "medical fees for his mum"... The list goes on. My friend is well-paid in her profession but she seems blinded to the red flags of being asked for money all the time.
Feel scared for her that it will end in tears if the sponger ever moves to the UK. She's worked so hard to buy her house, car and everything else. It upsets me to think of this person using her just as a ticket out of poverty.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeansGalore · 23/06/2021 20:20

Some situations are easier to look at objectively from an outside perspective. I agree with you that I think she is being used.
Can you suggest something along the lines of this:
I love seeing you happy but you are so kind I am worried Tunisian guy isn't as lovely as you think and is taking advantage of you. Would you be willing to test his loyalty? Tell him you have lost your job & can't afford to come over/send money etc. Keep it up for at least 4-6 weeks. His reaction will show his true intentions.

Keeps asking for money - she's his cashpoint.
Backs off communication, stops declaring undying love, stops speaking - cashpoint.
Stays in touch, shows caring, still loving conversations - hopefully all good.

You probably know the outcome, but no I told you so/you should have listened/you were stupid.
Just be her friend.

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