Still bothered after months of nc with toxic ex

[Missusblusky1]

Hi, not sure what to write really, but 6 months after dumping a nasty, toxic, narcisstic man. I know it was the right thing to do but when I bump into him occasionally and he ignores me, why does it bother me so much?

The relief I felt when I got rid and cut all contact was immense. Although I had to put up with the name calling and reputation being smeared afterwards. I expected that though, because it’s just the type of person he is.

He’s had 3-4 girlfriends since me, so wanting babies and marriage with me were obviously another lie.

He’s the nastiest person I’ve ever met, no empathy, verbally and physically abusive, and lies lies lies all of the time. He’s caused no end of psychological damage, but he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and others don’t see it. He blinds people with false compliments and earns their trust then used it against them.

I am polite and calm when I see him but he literally turns his back on me. I would never go back to him but I’m worried about how much I’m bothered by him being rude and ignoring me. I shouldn’t be bothered should I?

Just can’t get him out of my head. I know that’s what he wants. He’s dangerous though, so much so I considered filing a police report but when I threatened that he stopped trying to get in touch, so I didn’t.

I think when you’ve been with a person like this. The trauma is so vast. It’s not like a normal break up.
Added to that you have to see him,
I would actually be slightly thankful he is ignoring you. And be very wary he might try and come back.

Have you had any therapy about this?

I'd guess that it hurts you because his 'ignoring' is probably in a deliberate, sneary,snooty kind of way? Or you know its intended to be like that. As if he thinks himself above you. And that of course feels fucking insulting because you know what a lowlife bastard he is..and yet he has the cheek to look through you as if you're the one that is nothing.

In future, perfect a glass eyed stare. As if he is not there. And obviously, get out of there asap considering what he is. No need to be 'polite' as that implies some sort of recognition.

Ultimately it's a good thing he is ignoring you. And if he thinks that it works as a punishment. Because he is less likely to harass you. But always remember to be careful. A cobra is still a cobra, even if it isnt currently spitting poison at you.

Can you avoid seeing him? If you do see him beat him at his own game. Ignore him first.

Men like that leave long-lasting scars on the women they prey upon.

You don't need to be polite and calm when you see him. Hold your head up and know that you had the strength to walk away from his abuse.

You might need to seek some counselling to come to terms with the damage he did to you and to continue your healing journey.

Hey all, thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I have to work with him so have to see him occasionally.

First of all he swung between crying and looking at me with bottom lip wobbling to ignoring me, now it’s mainly ignoring as I haven’t given in. Im certain he knows it upsets me but I try not to show it. I’ve remained cool and polite because I know he’ll want me scared and affected by his behaviour. If I show I’m bothered then I feel like he’s won….

With the covid situation I don’t feel like I can get therapy, or worthy of it. I think I just need to get over it, but just not sure how.

I screwed up massively getting with this man, and I’ll never be the same again. Believed so many lies, some of them were horrendous. The few people I told what he was actually like, both of them still talk to him as friends like nothing happened. As far as I know, they still planning on meeting up with him socially, which really hurts.

Honestly, this man is so so dangerous, i look over my shoulder all the time when out. I’m convinced he’ll find out where I’m living, hes done some stalkery things the past.

Sorry for the self pity, having a really bad day. I just want to get him out of my head and be happy :-(

Please check out the Freedom Programme website. It might help.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You don't owe men like him "polite". Polite is what made you easy prey, they see it as a weakness.

He knows it annoys you to ignore you. He gets off on knowing he has a hold on him.

You work with him but is it at all possible to avoid him? You need to beat him at his own game by not playing and removing yourself from being seen by him.

I have to go to his department to do certain work, I’ve asked if I could do it either when he’s not there or someone else swaps with me but it was refused by my boss on the basis that personal matters shouldn’t interfere with work. Goes back to the whole him pulling the wool over everyone else eyes thing, they have me down as dramatic I think.

It seems to be the general consensus to ignore him back but at the same time I don’t want to antagonise him in any way. He’s over 50 years old but acts like a complete child.

Get yourself to a therapist. There will be a point that you no longer care. But the damage these types of men do is SO huge.

You won’t get through this without real life help.
I couldn’t get away from mine due to work. I actually break out with the shakes and such an overwhelming adrenaline it’s scary, tbh I feel like it’s PTSD. but I don’t know, so perhaps I’m wrong.

Can you work towards leaving your job?

He sounds awful. Read up on narcs or you tube videos have some good information too. There is a playbook and they are not unique and follow the same patterns. Get councelling, from Someone who knows about narcissism ,it is not a normal break up or aftermath. Like you said it changes you.
Take care.

Hi, the counselling / therapy does seem like a good option but I just can’t afford it at the moment, I will look at some online stuff however.

I’ve started looking at the freedom programme (thanks previous poster), and have watched quite a few videos on narcs already etc, really interesting as now I know what makes him tick. Quite disturbing really.

As for leaving my job, I’ve been here over 20 years now, he’s been here for only 2, he changes jobs very regularly which I’ve only just found out. He had no friends from previous jobs so I’m guessing he screwed them all over in some way and when he was done he moved on….

I’m sure I’ll be okay. I just wish I could go one day without thinking about him, it’s all negative stuff not wistful or anything, but I really struggle to trust anybody now, it’s quite sad. I think the covid situation hasn’t helped but there’s not a lot I can do about that at the moment.