Need advice on my marriage.

[ncfc686]

I have name changed for this. I have been married for 3 and half years. We have a pre schooler and a 3 week old. The intimacy and conversation in our relationship has died in the last 7 months, like no hugs or kisses anymore. We couldn't have sex during pregnancy due to the fact it was high risk, and the intimacy has just died.
We don't in reality talk unless it's about the children. He admitted yesterday he was depressed, but has said he won't do anything about it.

I do love him but currently feel like I wouldn't want to be intimate with him and kinda of see our relationship as more like friends just due to the state of it.

Any advice?

What is there to love about such a man?. Would you want your children as adults to be in a relationship like this?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would be planning your exit from this marriage because he does not want to do anything about his depressed state. He seems quite "happy" as he is and gets what he wants from this relationship. He expects you also to carry him and all his mental load.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Staying in such a marriage too for what could be the sake of the children is a bad idea and they won't say, "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them. They can and do pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken.

Thanks @AttilaTheMeerkat I know your right, I'm really nervous about being alone again.

I wouldn't give up on my marriage just yet. You have just had a baby and relationships can be notoriously difficult at these times. Not to mention the fact you have another small child and had a high risk, stressful pregnancy. I would try and talk more with him and give it a little more time to see if you can adjust to your new circumstances together.

Thanks @Sorehandsandfeet I agree it is a really stressful time. Doesn't help we are in 5k of debt either. I will give him a few weeks then try and re talk.

Firstly, a good piece of advice is not to make any big decisions about your relationship in the year after the birth of a child (obviously in the absence of abuse etc.). Presumably you are both quite sleep deprived, very little time together or alone, you're still recovering from pregnancy and delivery and so on.

However, secondly, as a huband and father he doesn't get to say, "I'm depressed but I'm not going to do anything about it" because he is responsible to the three of you as well as himself. If he was single with no responsibilities he could indulge himself as much as he liked, but as a married father he either needs to magically buck up or go ring the GP. Post-partum depression can happen to men too but if it really IS depression he needs help, he doesn't get to just expect you all to put up with it.

He needs to do something about the depression, if he won’t then little will change.
Do not get into any more debt.
Do you have your own bank account ?
Do you have a job ? You

I'm pretty sure a lot of people feel depressed after 2 years of covid AND having young children can finish you off.
That's not a massive amount of debt it's doable if you sit down and work out what you are going to do about it.
I think you are being too hard on yourselves.
Its only 7 months, cut yourself some slack, I hardly think breaking up the marriage so soon is going to leave you in a better place.
I'd be inclined to do everything you can to work out how to pay off the debt even if you have to part time job to do it - maybe weekend work and then give it at least another year.
Being the parents of young children is HARD, things will improve, maybe have a think of a few ways to bring some spark back - a night out, a weekend away, whatever.

Thanks everyone, there is no abuse, I think I will try and get a baby sitter in august so we can have a meal/night out. I do agree just having a baby and toddler is hard work, and we shouldn't make any rash decisions.

My husband became very depressed after the birth of child 2. He felt overwhelmed by the responsibility of maintaining a steady income for the next 30 years. He was also very reluctant to do anything. Felt the double whammy of being overwhelmed together with not coping -the stigma of mental health and men. I suspect I could have been more supportive but equally overwhelmed myself. It was a case of muffling through. We could have done better but held on in there.

We also really need to sort out our finances out and get the debt down, looking at how much we earn (which isn't much between us) we need to cut out the takeaways and try and cut down the food shopping costs too, as we should be able to put at least £200 on the credit card each month.

Re the debt I would suggest you contact Stepchange, their link is here:-

www.stepchange.org/

I agree dont give up on the marriage. You have a lot of pressure points, new baby, pre-schooler, bit of debt and the strange times we’re living in. Make a plan to pay off the debt, do a budget and stick to it. Get some advice on budgeting.

He needs help with depression he may be feeling pressure of life - not easy times right now

Not easy with a young baby, but the next time you get a quiet quarter of an hour together, it down with a cup of tea and

• face up to the debt and agree a plan to attack it
• face up to the distance between you and agree to at least spend ten mins together every day over a tea or coffee, no phones, no telly, just exchange a few words about your day and how you are
• if you can go for a walk together every week (even just to the park) that's helpful too. The exercise and fresh air will help.

Thank you everyone!

I have looked at step change, our debts are worse than I realised £8000, but looking at it we should have £600 a month spare, at the end and don't as it goes on stuff we don't necessarily need, or takeaway's. Speaking to my husband during lunch he agreed we need to focus on the clearing the debt.

Wow, with such a young one must be really tough, to find any time for intimacy, maybe if you used debt reduction as a joint project it would help bring you closer again

@ncfc686

You're off to a great start with sorting out the finances.

You're also communicating, which is great.

Can you have a chat about how you're feeling ? That you're struggling with the loss of the 'closeness' (rather than sex) ?

It could well be he's lost his libido due to the depression, and he's depressed because he's worried about money/work etc.
When you add in your loss of libido due to high risk pregnancy and lack of sleep for both of you, it's really no wonder you're going through a 'bad patch' right now.

If you could chat and maybe make a plan to help kick start the 'closeness' again, I think you'd both benefit. Maybe just ask him for a hug now and again ? Or hold hands watching TV ? Maybe you could get a little kid free time, to have a little walk in a park ?(if you have lovely parents/ In Laws /friends)

It's always the 'little things' that hold a strong marriage together, so get started on the 'little things' you both used to do for each other.

Thanks @updownroundandround for me intimacy is what makes a relationship so not having it is awful, I'm gonna try when we get 5 mins to sit and talk about things.

We have said we are gonna try and discuss at least one thing tonight, and go from there.

How did the chat go, OP?

@Strikethrough thanks for asking, so we both agreed to 4 topics of discussion and are attempting to discuss one a day, we kinda did the first topic of discussion which was on intimacy last night, however didn't get too far due to the children, so will try again later!

Well done for not ignoring the debt.
Young children are exhausting beyond belief so with two so small during Covid, I can only imagine how hard it has been.

Communication is key.

He is lucky to have you, you sound great.