Is there any way back?

[WeeEnglishRose]

DP and I have been together for 7yrs, have two children together plus kids from other relationships. He was fun when we got together, but the fun has gone. He's always tired, in bed at the same time as the kids most nights. We spend no quality time together, and usually sleep in separate beds. Sex and even everyday affection have totally disappeared. He looks after the kids, but does very little round the house - bins and dishes/laundry when necessary. Never sees anything else as needing done - eg will load dishwasher but not clean counter/sweep floor etc. We both work full time but I end up doing most of the housework. I'm so fed up of nagging him to help out, he doesn't seem to care, and I'm now in a position where I don't even really fancy him anymore, he's just like an extra teenager in the house. Is there any way of salvaging this?

Bump
I feel the same as you

Can you get help with a cleaner?

You both sound tired

@Guavafish cleaner is definitely not in the budget.

I would think there is no way back from this.

He regards the housework as your job because you are female. And you shouldn’t regard him re helping you out because he lives there too. He is therefore equally responsible for all the chores being don't, you framing that as he helping you does you no favours. You are not a team by any stretch.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

What do you think these children are learning about relationships here?

Councelling. You might just need to reframe the way you're communicating with one another. Or the relationship might be over. Either way a good councellor will be able to help you figure that out.

I'd either try and sit him down and have a 'warts and all' conversation with him, or councilling, but if he's not willing to change then you can't make him. First you need to ask yourself if you want him to change and want to salvage the relationship

Have you asked him why he doesn't do these things and pick up chores like an equal adult in the house?

If he says he doesn't see the mess, he does. It's just not a priority for him to clean it.

He says the housework isn't important and I'm too fussy - has literally never cleaned a toilet all the time we've been together. I've told him I'm not happy, his response was "well what do you want me to do about it?". He won't consider counselling.

Is he depressed OP?

This sounds like you're really fed up and ground down over time rather than a one off incident that you have to get over. For that reason I would say it's possible to come back from and sort out, providing that he changes his ways.

Sit him down and explain how you feel. Ask for help. But do it in a non shouty, non accusing way. If things don't change and you continue to feel unfulfilled and unappreciated then yes it might be time to think about your options. Life is too short to be miserable.

If you've spoken about it and he won't try councilling you've two choices. Stay and live like this, he's proved and told you he won't change. Or leave