Is he cheating on me

[crazemaze]

Me and my fiance been together for 10+ years and he's always been a loving an caring man. I have never ever suspected that be would ever be unfaithful. However, my gut has been telling me for a while now that he is possibly hiding something, and I've ignored it because he is not the guy to do something like that and especially not to our child.

I have the passwords to all his stuff and his normal phone. I use to know the password to his work phone and he would casually leave it to me before. However, he has changes the password and he won't tell me what it is. Yes, I might sound really insecure and your probably wondering why do I need his work password? I DONT! but its the fact he's changed it and I let it go for a while. I tested him once out of the blue to see how he would react and asked the password to his phone and he got very defensive and threw a massive fit why I need it etc.. he wouldn't give me the password but instead unlocked it and threw a massive tantrum. I did look through his WhatsApp and I didn't see anything.

Fast forward, hes asked me to help him with something but he didn't realise it involves me having access to his work phone. He got all funny and starts going on his phone and then asks to use my other iPhone but Its a sim free phone so can't use it.

I just sense something dodgy is going on like he is being shady about something but I have no idea what.

Some of these things are very unusual for him and he will jump to defense at all costs. I haven't mentioned anything upfront and don't know what to do. We have has plenty of arguments before about women at work and the fact he hides in a room to chat about non work work related stuff and uses the excuses they go work together (not saying anything sexual or flirting) but I know he wouldn't want me to do that either.

Am I over thinking 🤔

Dodgy as heck op I’m sorry.

I'm going to be honest here, I know every relationship is different, but everything you have said about he's not that kind of man, etc etc was me!! My husband was that man, loyal, dependable, faithful etc, and I had a gut feeling too. I ignored it, thinking no way, he's not that man, to the point I felt like I was going mad. But guess what? Yes he was having an affair!!!

The getting defensive and changing passwords is a big red flag. If you accuse him of cheating you can bet your life he will get angry and defensive and try to make you think that you are going mad.

Have you noticed anything else different in the way he behaves, how he dresses, how often you have sex? For me, looking back now, all the signs were there I just didn't see them because I trusted him so much. I don't know whether he is actually cheating but I now believe anyone is capable of cheating. Sorry you're going through this I really know how awful it is x

I felt the same way about my ex husband, honestly didn't think he had it in him but he was having an affair. The not wanting you to look at his phone screams secrets to me, that's how I found out about my ex

My husband’s work phone is locked only to him for GDPR reasons, as he has client details on the phone and sensitive info in emails. However, he hasn’t had a tantrum about it, rather I know it has to be a secure phone.
It is the tantrum about it that makes this sus.

Alarm bells are ringing OP

I have a password on my phone but partner knows it

I doubt he remember it tho
He doesn't own a mobile phone

@Notreallysure25

I'm going to be honest here, I know every relationship is different, but everything you have said about he's not that kind of man, etc etc was me!! My husband was that man, loyal, dependable, faithful etc, and I had a gut feeling too. I ignored it, thinking no way, he's not that man, to the point I felt like I was going mad. But guess what? Yes he was having an affair!!!

The getting defensive and changing passwords is a big red flag. If you accuse him of cheating you can bet your life he will get angry and defensive and try to make you think that you are going mad.

Have you noticed anything else different in the way he behaves, how he dresses, how often you have sex? For me, looking back now, all the signs were there I just didn't see them because I trusted him so much. I don't know whether he is actually cheating but I now believe anyone is capable of cheating. Sorry you're going through this I really know how awful it is x

I am sorry that happened to you, it must be have been horrible! I guess it really is the unexpected.. nothing too major unusual apart from this defensive behaviour and at times being a bit too nice to me if that makes any sense. I will admit, I can be quite jealous and he knows how I feel about him talking to certain people and I think either he's messaging on the side and gets defensive because if I see I will flip or either he's holding some dark secret that he doesn't want me to do. These gut feelings are so strong sometimes but its the way he holds himself snd things he says that make me think, no he couldn't. Can I ask how did you find out ? And are you still together? X

What’s with the sudden need to change his passwords? I’d be suspicious if my boyfriend did that, I know his password and he knows mine but we always say no matter what if you go looking the other persons phone your not gonna like it but I don’t feel like I have too but I definitely would if he changed his password. So There is definitely something dodgy going on has he become close with anyone at work? New colleagues?

I’d

Argh. All of this is a huge red flag and yes I could have written your post word for word until the day I found out about my husband’s affair.

You will need to do some digging. We may be wrong here but everything you’re describing isn’t good.

I’m so sorry.

Just be normal around him.
Don't ask anything etc as he will hide more. Let him relax and then he might make mistakes!
Alternatively ask him outright.
Hope you are wrong but when passwords etc get changed I don't think it's a good sign.

@crazemaze

Always, always trust your gut !!

I wouldn't know what your DP is 'like', or anything about him. But I do know that if your 'gut instinct' is screaming 'this isn't right !', then it isn't right !

It's up to you how you want to deal with it. Personally I'd be confronting him and telling him exactly what I think, then watching his reaction. But some people want to 'gather proof' beforehand.
(Though I always think that's the ''I'm still hoping I'm wrong'' kind of thinking)

I couldn't stay with someone I didn't trust 100%, and I DO trust my instincts (and have been proven right previously, when all the 'details' surfaced after I'd already chucked him.)

Up to you what your ''red lines'' are for your relationships and what you're prepared to believe or put up with.....................

I understand you're focusing on the phone. Odd behaviour and unusual reactions. Looking at the bigger picture though, if you said tonight, "Darling, I've been thinking, lets book a wedding for the Autumn, I really want to be man and wife."
Then watch his reaction.

1. Slightly confused at the suddeness but agreeable.
2. Avoiding, excuses, vague mumbling about timing or cost.
3. Going off to use his phone in private. If no.2 happened, I would wonder why he was so reluctant or non-commital. If no. 3 happened, I would want to know who was so important to him that he had to consult with them before saying, "Yes, it has been 10 years, let's do this." I really hope it all ends up being some silly work phone thing.

I never thought my DP would do it either OP. I had some gut feelings just like you but couldn't put a finger on it. Time and protective of his phone was one of them. Turned out he had been having an affair for at least a year by then. The password thing is a massive flag!

I told my DP that my phone wasn't working and asked to borrow his and asked him to put his pin code in. His hand shook as he did it as he couldn't really refuse! then bingo! went straight into his messages and there it all was.

Don't ignore your gut instincts! it doesn't look good OP. make a plan about what you're going to do otherwise you will completely drive yourself crazy with it all!

How long have you been engaged?

Speaking from experience, his reaction means he is hiding something. May not be an affair (yet) but he is 100% up to no good.

Hi crazemaze, I found out in little drips basically. One night my phone was dead so I picked his up. Without thinking I automatically pressed his message icon because that's where my Google icon is. Saw a message at the top sent at midnight from a girl. I went into the message as it was sent so late and found hundreds of messages, yet none were inappropriate, the sheer number of them is what bothered me. So he says theiyre just friends and I say we'll leave it at that. He says OK. To cut a long story short about a Yr later a find an old phone and go through it. ilow and behold he's been sleeping with the tart right under my nose.for months.

We are still together. He's cut off contact but I live in fear every day that he's going to contact her again. I have never got peace of mind. It's no way to live and as much as I love the man I know that if there is any contact again I will leave him. It's like I'm waiting for it to happen again, and yet before this I was a happy confident person. I've turned bitter and paranoid and I'm so angry yet try to keep it in check.

To be honest (and I know I'm a fine one to talk as I'm still with him) if you find out he's cheating I would leave him. The way I'm living is no way to live and as far as I'm concerned I'm not sure I can carry on feeling like this for much longer. I'm a confused sad person at the moment hoping my paranoia will pass. Don't be like me, have the strength to leave if he is cheating.

Red flags. Trust your instincts

Always always trust your instincts. They are rarely wrong.

Added to this that he is acting suspicious anyway, I think you know what is going on here. Something you wouldn't like and he wouldn't be keen to share I'd imagine.

Sorry OP, it's a tale as old as time, x

I am sorry for all you having experience this ! 😔

I questioned him on his phone again and casually asked why he's changed the password and feels the need to open the phone himself without telling me the password, when before he could go sleep & not worry I was on his phone. His reason was so horrible! Did that oh I'm a victim oh your crazy kinda fit.. he goes into this defensive mode & starts throwing attitude making out im trying to argue just to throw off the real topic & make me an issue.

He then brought up that time, he was 'sleeping' and asked for his password while he had a massive tantrum and literally didn't talk to me for hours after. I said that I literally did that on purpose to test his reaction and it said enough. He then told me, I have no right to talk to him how I like and literally put it all on me and said don't act like your some girl who is not nosey etc ..

I then said your sneaky af and your definitely hiding something. I told him don't think I don't know your not using your phone go chat to XYZ ... so I don't see.

If he's not cheating, he is up to something and tbh I don't trust him. He's very quick to always make me a problem but HE is the problem and if I'm an issues its because of him!

At our church, we have these two friends and my friens said her husband would never chat to a female colleague away from his wife. If he chats to a woman from work on the phone, he puts the phone on speaker so he can reassure his wife he ain't sneaky af.

He must feel so entitled to talk and act how he likes with me but it just ain't on.

We have been engaged for 2 years but covid kept pushing us back for marriage. Dont let me get started on all that because that's a whole other topic.

I hate the fact that I can't put a finger yet on it, but I know he is 10000% being sneaky about something!!

Forgot to mentioned we also have a child together.

If I find out he is cheating on me, I won't take any of his shit anymore because he would have damn well known what damage he will do to us all as a family.

I just hate the uncertainty!

If he was not up to something dodgy would he behave like this ?

@Notreallysure25

Hi crazemaze, I found out in little drips basically. One night my phone was dead so I picked his up. Without thinking I automatically pressed his message icon because that's where my Google icon is. Saw a message at the top sent at midnight from a girl. I went into the message as it was sent so late and found hundreds of messages, yet none were inappropriate, the sheer number of them is what bothered me. So he says theiyre just friends and I say we'll leave it at that. He says OK. To cut a long story short about a Yr later a find an old phone and go through it. ilow and behold he's been sleeping with the tart right under my nose.for months.

We are still together. He's cut off contact but I live in fear every day that he's going to contact her again. I have never got peace of mind. It's no way to live and as much as I love the man I know that if there is any contact again I will leave him. It's like I'm waiting for it to happen again, and yet before this I was a happy confident person. I've turned bitter and paranoid and I'm so angry yet try to keep it in check.

To be honest (and I know I'm a fine one to talk as I'm still with him) if you find out he's cheating I would leave him. The way I'm living is no way to live and as far as I'm concerned I'm not sure I can carry on feeling like this for much longer. I'm a confused sad person at the moment hoping my paranoia will pass. Don't be like me, have the strength to leave if he is cheating.

I am so sorry you are going through this! 😔

You are very strong and brave for giving him another chance! I hope he worships the floor you walk on and appreciate this chance he has to change and prove to you that he is worth a second shot!

I know people say time heals but when your suffering, time can go really slow and it feels as though nothing is happening. Just remember you are worth so much more and you deserve happiness.. since you have chosen to stay with him, my only advise for your sanity is to in time when you ready is to learn to forgive because that will set your emotions free and doesn't mean it excuses him.

I have major trust issues and If I am honest, I don't trust my DP either but I love him and the time we have been together and the family we have is what makes it so hard to just leave like everyone says. I really do sympathise with you and somewhat understand you.

I know people may think I am controlling but I don't like my DP to have no female friends and the women he talks to at work should be strictly work but it feels as though he doesn't give 2 shits what I want and need from him.

I wish I had someone I could talk to and it makes life hard when all emotions are bottled up. I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist because she made me see so much sense and it woke me up to a reality that I am struggling to accept.

I wish you the very best and I hope its all worth it in the end xxx

Even if he's not cheating on you this is a very very unhealthy relationship.

This is so unhealthy. I feel sorry for you both.

@Anordinarymum

If he was not up to something dodgy would he behave like this ?

No

I'm going to go out on a different limb here and ask whether it's possible he could be in trouble at work and he just doesn't want to let you know? Could he be in e-mail correspondence on his workphone with superiors relating to some midemeanour or worse at work that he doesn't want you to find out about?