Bad situation, need some advice

[shedoesnotreallyseeme]

My relationship has been quite bad for years. Even at the start there were huge red flags, but I accepted my husband's framing of these incidents as 'rows' we could make up from and we also had some good times. I was in love and trusted the idea that it takes two to argue or create bad situations. We had two kids and by him being busy/out a lot and me being invested in the kids we had some longer patches of peace.

It has taken me a long time to think through what's actually happening, but I have realised that a lot of it has been abuse. I am strong minded and have not been afraid to react by arguing with him or to telling him he is wrong in his behaviour. But the catalyst events have been what I now see as abusive. Mostly it is to do with being frightening with his unpredictable emotions and putting fear and bad moods onto lots of things. Silent treatment, suddenly snapping and other behaviours which are scary for their irrationality. The way he behaves knocks me off my stability 100%. I cannot concentrate, become nervous to sleep, it greatly affects me. He still behaves like this at moments when he's stressed and it is reducing my quality of life. Even now I am typing this, with a low feeling in my stomach, rather than doing the exciting work opportunity I was given.

A year ago or so I began to articulate my thoughts on this to him, and said I needed him to change it. I did use the words emotional abuse and have tried to describe in great detail what happens and why it is wrong, and that it is not just a two person row. He is intelligent and I had hoped once I'd explained it he would decide to change, but apart from some scattered attempts, he has not. I'm now wondering if I should have told him at all, as it all feels even scarier since he says it is nonsense.

I need some help on the situation now. I had for years always lied to friends that things were good, but I've now started to open up to a few people that things are bad. But the emotional toll on me of doing this has been huge. It is as if by admitting the real story I suddenly feel unsafe, or as if I have gone mad. I have some good friends but no real support network, and as I said nobody knows how things have been, they all think he is very charming and kind (as he is very good at laying this on, he's very clever). It is like there are two realities, and I can still see the reality in which I am wrong about this, that it is me causing the rows and so on.

Do you think I was wrong to mention it to him in such clear terms, or does anyone have any insight on this? What I wanted was for him to take me seriously and do something to change. I do not want to get divorced and I really do not want him to look after the children on his own. He is ok with them in a surface way but he makes no emotional connection with them unless it is in adoration of him, and that leaves them very empty.

I just need some help.

It's domestic violence and that comes in many forms. Don't rely on friends to tell you the truth. Sometimes people feel they are damned if they do, damned if they don't in terms of telling you the truth or giving relationship advice to friends. Why not get some counselling. It will bring perspective using someone who is neutral but also experienced in abuse therapy. It may give you the courage and validation to leave a bad situation.

Abusers are very good at charming the birds out of the trees when they are with other people, and nobody would have a clue what really goes on behind closed doors. I'm sorry you are going through this, hopefully some posters will be along with good advice for you.

Unfortunately this sort of thing is one of the reasons joint therapy isn't recommended where there is abuse, because the abusive person will often turn it around on the other person. He was never going to have a lightbulb moment and change, because this way of being works for him.

If you split, would he really want the children that much? You may think you are able to shield them by staying, but actually it means there's no safe space from him, they're always in the abusive environment 100% of the time - and you are not able to show them an alternative to this "normal" and are effectively saying it's OK to live like this.

Also, the damage it is doing to you means they're not getting the best of you.

If you split, you could provide an emotionally safe home for them and show them this is not OK and not normal.

Thank you for these helpful replies

@shedoesnotreallyseeme

In your post, you say that you do not want to divorce and you do not want him to look after the children on his own...............so what is it that you do want ?

If what you are looking for is a magic formula that will change your H's behaviour, then I'm afraid you'd have more luck in finding fairies at the bottom of your garden

The best advice anyone can give you is to have counselling, so that you can get help in realizing the truth of the situation you are in, and which you are forcing both yourself and your children to endure.

Until you can see how harmful and damaging living in this unstable and frightening environment is, and that leaving and being able to live in a calm and predictable environment really is the only remedy, nothing will change...................

You will spend the coming months/years scrabbling around trying to ensure nothing is done/said which might 'set him off'.
Holidays will be occasions fraught with real fear, because being together 24/7 will result in you and your DC being 'on guard' the entire time...................

You will have no way of stopping the DC's inevitable mental health problems, and often the way they try to 'resolve' this, is by aligning with the abuser.............so, your DC will begin to treat you the same as your H does, and he will encourage it !..................

Your future, and your DC's future is very, very bleak............

I can see why you think staying will help and protect the children. At first it seems clear that if you're there, you can supervise.. support even shield them.
But they will not be oblivious to his way. His abuse. So by them continuing to live this way, they are far more exposed to this behaviour, witnessing and being subjected to.
If you were to leave and live separately from H, yes they might spend some time with him but they will have time away from him too, space from him, and observe an environment where noone behaves as he does. That will stand them in far better stead.

You need to get yourself and DC away from an abuser. He won't change.

How long have you been together?

The pp's are right in statting he will not change.
Nothing you say will alter his way of thinking, you could be the greatest pychoanalyst and you would not be able to make him understand, even though you say he is intellegent.
Why?

Because he loves it the way it is, why wouldn't he, he probably doesn't even recognise he's onto a good thing anymore as his selfishness is so engrained.
It is abuse, recognise this.

Now you don't want the marriage to end, so yes you could try getting him to councelling but I guarentee it won't work.
It's like taking the red pill for women, you spend your life pandering to them, their moods, their everything and think you deserve some recompence in the way of love and respect, you state your case and it falls upon deaf ears.
What actually happens and this is hard to stomach, is the more you demand to be heard the more they dish out the abuse and try to put you back in the box.
So many women get to a certain age and start trying to enforce boundaries or decide they are worth more. Usually at this time the males then decide they are unloved , unapreciated and need ouside love in the relationship because you have 'changed".
Happens all the time.

So it depends do you have the balls to stand your ground because he will not change without a fight. Alternatively you could think about just not going into battle and deciding to cut your loses and find someone who has a capacity for reasoning.

Read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. You’ll no doubt find your OH in the pages. Sadly a lot of people with the traits you mention cannot change. I feel for you, it’s a tough call when you have kids to leave… but you only have one life. Having left my emotionally abusive ex my life is transformed. Looking back the level of fear I had on a daily basis was huge. I normalised it, now I wonder how I could have ever lived like that.

Please read the book… x

It is actually very simple. In order to provide any meaningful opportunity to your children to recover from the damage of spending their formative years in an abusive home or to provide any meaningful level of protection from his future abuse - you have to leave him. That's it.

What your children need - to be removed from this damaging environment - is more important than what you want.

Part of your recovery from the abuse will be coming out of denial and facing the fact that your children have not been protected and have been damaged. That's a simple fact, it's not up for debate and you will have to face it in order to change things. I know it is uncomfortable to face but it is necessary in order to move forward.

There is nothing special or unique about your situation. It is standard abuse, standard effects, standard damage, standard damage to children, standard denial about that damage.

What I wanted was for him to take me seriously and do something to change

Same mistake almost all abuse victims make. Again nothing unique or unusual there. Was never going to happen because abuse is a deliberate choice based on feeling entitled to behave that way. "Explaining" and asking them to change never works. Now you know.

So what matters now is that you do the right thing and start planning your exit. Speak to Women's Aid, speak to the DV support team at your local authority, speak to a solicitor with experience in DV matters, enrol on the Freedom Programme course, look at therapy for you and your children for after you've left and have started the healing process.

Do not tell him your plans. Do not try and use them as leverage to change him - it won't work. Make sure you discuss exiting safely with Women's Aid.

You may think you are able to shield them by staying, but actually it means there's no safe space from him, they're always in the abusive environment 100% of the time

Which will have damaged and will continue to damage the development of their central nervous system. On top of all the psychological damage.

You may think you are able to shield them by staying, but actually it means there's no safe space from him, they're always in the abusive environment 100% of the time

I agree with this. I hear victims of abuse saying they don't want their dc to go to the abusers house eow due to this, however by staying they are putting their dc in an abusive situation every day.

Womens Aid?

Stop talking to him about this. Let him think you've gone quiet.
You tried to let him know what he needed to do to make things right - he hasn't done it, opportunity lost.

Not wanting to divorce - I felt that too. I let that feeling cost me time, money and emotional wellbeing. Your relationship isn't working because your husband is abusive. You and your children are already suffering.

So, get your ducks in a row, as mners often advise. Firstly, speak firmly to yourself. You can't change a man who refuses to change. You can put yourself and your children out of his reach, for some of the time at least. How old are your children? Get some legal advice about getting out of the marriage. Work out where you are going to live. Keep all your plans to yourself until they are fixed in place. Then leave. No matter what he promises.

I think PPs have said most of what I am thinking. I would add that he will never understand your point of view and I do not believe he will ever change - he is getting everything he wants by abusing you so why would he. If he does go to counselling it will likely be for show - he won't actually want to change. You can only control yourself so I would suggest getting counselling for you and this will help you decide what to do (I hope decide to leave him). For me, it wasn't until I made the decision to leave my exh that I saw all the abuse for what it was and it took a lot of therapy for me to come out the other side. A big part of this was accepting that he doesn't think he has done anything wrong and I will never get an apology from him. It used to drive me mad but I've accepted it now.

I guess the problem is, if you say it outloud. Then all of a sudden it’s real. And that’s a scary place

But it is real, it will catch up with you. It always does. It will take a toll on you in years to come physically and mentally.

Tell everyone you trust, it was so hard to tell anyone when I did, I felt like I was admitting to lying to them and myself all in one go. Once it was out there was no putting it back.

Abusers rely on shame and secrecy.

I have found all the replies really helpful, thank you