Should I keep dating him or not?

[Chelinka]

Hello, I'm new here, nice to meet you all!
I need urgent advice about the situation I'm in right now.
First of all I should say that I had a lot of bad/unhealthy relationships (or even just dates), with phisical or verbal abuse. I've been in therapy for two years so feeling again well with myself I tried to date someone again.
I don't know if I'm exaggerating everything because all the stuff I've been through, that's why I would like to hear someone else's thought about it.
I'm a female and I've been through random abuse and this guy knows about it (I need to clarify that for what follows).
We've seen each other 4 times for now. I really really like him, we also spent hours talking by the phone. Everything seemed to go well for me until this fourth time. (Apart from the fact that we live 1 h by train from each other and it has been me going there 3 on 4, but take that aside.)
The 4th time I told him if it was okay for me to go to his city by train, if he had any spare time for me, otherwise I would've gone somewhere else. He told me that was okay, so I did it. After I arrived he told me "I only have one hour to stay because some urgent business came up, I have to do something with a friend and will take 2 hours because after that we'll take a beer".
I was a bit surprised but I thought that was okay, I would have gone walking in the city centee. Until it rained. It rained heavily. It was freezing cold and I only had this summer dress that doesn't cover anything at all. And I was far from the city center.
Even so, he at least gave me an umbrella and left me on a road somewhere.
I was a bit mad but waited for him to come back also because I was far from the station, otherwise I would have gone back.
After 2 hours he came back and we had dinner together, and after that he brought me to the station. It was dark because it was night and he didn't even accompany me to the platform, even if we were in a horrible zone of the city with nobody around.
So, saying all that, that's the first question: am I the weird one that, even being a girl, wouldn't do that to another person, even if that person is a guy?! Am I exaggerating because I want too much from people or is it normal to be pissed off for this kind of stuff? He's nice apart from that, but seriously this time it was a complete disappointment and I don't know if I should stop it now because I feel a terrible lack of respect... And I'm so scared about being hurt again.
Or maybe it's wrong to judge other people behavior basing our ideas from our own behaviour?!
Please help me I'm not ready for another disappointment...
Thank you for everybody who will have the patience to read, have a nice day!

Or maybe it's wrong to judge other people behavior basing our ideas from our own behaviour?!

Have you heard the saying 'you've got to love yourself'? That is the perfect example. You know what you would have done for someone in those circumstances so don't let someone treat you like shit. Raise your standards and know your worth.

Trust your instinct.
He sounds selfish. I wouldn't bother with someone who acts like that on a 4th date.

I would not carry dating this guy, 3 out of 4 times you've travelled to him an hour on the train and when you got there he didn't plan on giving you his time for the whole time you were there, left you for two hours, that's appalling treatment.

For the first date I would expect the man to travel more towards me and for other dates, travel half way or at least take turns to meeting in each other's city/town
I would expect them to stay with me for the entire date, staying just for an hour when you've travelled an hour is rubbish and expecting you to wait around for a further two while he sorts some business out Pah! I'd be off, he'd never see or hear from me again.

You know yourself you wouldn't treat someone like that so don't allow that treatment for you.

Don't risk going to horrible areas of a city where you don't feel safe, your safety is a priority and if the man your dating don't care and leaves you to wait around on a cold dark platform, he's not a respectful man worth dating.

Oh gosh, OP. I feel for you with all the trauma you must have experienced, but I don't think you are yet ready to date if you are even considering that this man's behaviour makes him a suitable dating option.

He is just not that into you, and incredibly inconsiderate to boot. The fact that you have travelled to him 3 out of 4 dates is also not acceptable - you shouldn't be going so out of your way to accommodate a practical stranger! Let men woo you, go out of their way to make an effort, make you feel special, make you feel cared for (this after all is the point of dating) - before you give them your precious time, and emotional effort.

Please drop him. The red flag isn't just that he left you alone on the platform - it's the lack of respect for your time, the lack of desire to impress you or show you a good time, and his laziness at making you travel to him each time. This doesn't make him 'nice'. Just because he isn't abusive, doesn't make him a good guy or someone you should see anymore. Love yourself enough to demand more of the men you date, and if they aren't treating you the way you treat them - they aren't right for you.

Are you saying he left you on a street far from the city centre on your own for two hours in the rain???? What on earth? No you should never see this man ever again! I would have got a bus or taxi straight back to the train station and left. I'm so sorry that your previous relationships have left you unsure as to what decent behaviour is. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. This guy is not showing the bare minimum of either.

Regardless of whether he is rude, ignorant or selfish...or a mix of both...he is sending smoke signals that you are not his priority in life. He maybe testing your boundaries to see how much you would put up with. Most people would have got the train home after he left to see his friend. If he was keen, he would have travelled to you, escorted you to the platform, cancelled his friend issue to make time for you. He clearly has no manners and you see that 4 dates in. Walk away, as there hasn't been a nuclear disaster wiping out all mankind but him. Remind yourself of self confidence and standards.

He treated you with a complete lack of respect. He left you standing in a road for 2 hours in the road waiting for him? Is that right?

You are doing all the work here and he's not that into you. Make a dignified exit and please raise your bar

The fact you need 2 ask surely answers yr question!

In the rain, not road

There's a lot to be said for basic good manners, he doesn't have any.

Cut your losses OP. Don't waste your time with this one.

"I am allowed to decide what I want."
"I am allowed to expect people will keep their word."
"I enjoy feeling safe and happy."
"People who make me uncomfortable, even if I can't put my finger on why, I choose not to let close to me. I deserve not to feel that way."

No way is that acceptable.

So rude that he made plans when he knew you were coming (beers arent work) and rude that he left you waiting in the rain.

Honestly, it sounds like you're already putting your own comfort second, to fit in with what he wants. After 4 dates it should be happy & fun, not waiting in the rain for 2h while he drinks with a mate.

The issue here is that he's shown you who he is and u still stay. Honestly look at your own actions and ask yourself if they are of someone who respects themselves. The world is full of arseholes so it's important to trust your instincts when they are speaking to you.

Hs is very rude and inconsiderate. Don't waste your time.

And before you start dating again, you need to address this:

I'm a female and I've been through random abuse and this guy knows about it (I need to clarify that for what follows). We've seen each other 4 times for now.

Why the actual hell does he know such sensitive information after four bloody dates?!

Sorry to hear everything you've been through. You deserve to be treated better than this.

I'm a bit confused about what actually happened. You've called it a 4th date and said that on 3 of the 4 occasions you've travelled to him. If this is true and you had a pre-arranged date then it's completely out of order.

However, another way of reading the post is:

*You got in touch with him and suggested you would be travelling to his city and asked him if he had spare time to see you.
*He said yes he had some spare time so you decided to travel through.
*You spent an hour together.
*He had pre-arranged to do something with a friend and told you this would take 2hrs
*You said not to worry as you were happy to wander about and wait on him

• He said fine I'll meet you again in 2hrs
• It rained and you got wet *He came back after 2 hrs as agreed and you went for dinner together *He walked you to the station in a city he was familiar with and left you to get the train. *You were unfamiliar with the station and felt uncomfortable and expected him to do more.

If this is true he hardly sounds like the catch of the year but I don't actually see much that he has done wrong other than failed to meet your expectations?

It actually sounds (from the way your post is worded) that you were keen to see him and almost imposed yourself on him. He's maybe slightly less keen but as you were willing to travel he fitted you in to his pre-arranged commitments

Every woman deserves to be treated better than this and you're right to have higher standards but you need to learn to love yourself and set the bar higher.
Next time wait until a guy asks you on a proper date and makes effort and a proper plan. Don't offer to travel to see someone and ask if they can fit you in

@Chelinka

You choose whether or not you think he treated you well, no-one else

You said ''seriously this time it was a complete disappointment''

So now you get to choose whether or not you :

1. Tell him. Say ''I wasn't happy about how you treated me, leaving me standing about for 2 hours, cold and wet. I wouldn't have made the journey if you'd told me you weren't free to see me'' And see what his response is (but if he starts blaming you, then I'd dump him straight away).
2. Tell him '' This isn't working for me. Good luck in the future, Bye''.
3. You say nothing, and see what his next move is.

I personally think it's a huge mistake telling anyone you're dating about past abusive relationships. If the guy is nice, it may put him off thinking that he's got a lot of 'proving' to do. And if the guy isn't nice, you've basically said ''I've got a history of putting up with shit treatment, so you can treat me how you like and I'll probably put up with it...................

Keep your dating history details vague, and keep your boundaries high. respect yourself, and others will treat you with respect.
Don't be afraid to say what you want, what you like, and what you're ''red lines'' are ! You and your needs/wants/desires/boundaries are equally important in a relationship !