How to be ‘ready’ to leave, but still work on the relationship?

[The6thQueen]

My husband cheated. I want to stay and work on it. Happened for two months this year, I’ve known about it for about two months.
The advice on here (and from my therapist) is to be ok to leave if things go wrong. But how do I do this? How do I invest in a relationship and be ready to leave it at the same time?

I think it's maybe getting to a point where if you stay, you stay because you want to, not out of need? So making sure you have your own support network, your own interests outside the relationship, ensuring you know how you'd survive financially and practically? So it's not fear keeping you there, but if you stay it's because he's bringing you happiness.

I’m sorry to hear this OP.

My first thought was; it’s HIM who needs to invest in the relationship and make effort firstly. Secondly, I guess it would be wise with some success indicators; what do you need from your DH? More communication, more alone time, more help, etc. Set goals for the relationship that must be met within a reasonable timeframe. If not, you are both aware that you can walk. The emotional side of it is more complicated I guess.

Best of luck.

Thanks @category12, I see what you mean.
I think I’m about there with those things (finances to be sorted imminently!). But what happens if it’s fear of hurt, of the pain of losing him that’s holding me back? How do I manage this and still stay in love, not pull away too much?

Thanks @minniemouseshouses. It’s communication I need from him. He has several mental health issues (and plain old issues) that are making that hard though.

@The6thQueen

Thanks *@category12*, I see what you mean. I think I’m about there with those things (finances to be sorted imminently!). But what happens if it’s fear of hurt, of the pain of losing him that’s holding me back? How do I manage this and still stay in love, not pull away too much?

Well, he's got to do some work here - if you're pulling away, he needs to be patient and loving and reassuring, and prove he's there for you. It's not about you feigning being OK because you're scared your real emotions will drive him away. It's only been 2 months, he's got a lot of work to do.

He sounds hard work to be honest. Are you sure it’s not just fear of going through a split that is stopping you? Do you have kids?

I’m not pulling away I don’t think. I’m hurting a lot and get frustrated and we argue. That’s hard.
I’m just not sure how to ‘build this life for myself’ where I’d be ok to walk away if I was not happy, but still be fully committed to making this work. To me being ready to walk away implies I’m pulling away from him. I don’t know how to balance the two?
I’m not sure if I'm even making sense?

@Tombstone81 I am afraid of splitting yes. But I love him and think we could be good together.
We have two kids (7 and 10).

The kids complicates it. If you think it can work then just take your time. You will know if it’s a goer or not soon enough. It’s horrible though. I’ve been there.

I think you're overthinking it tbh.

It's really early days, you don't know how you will feel down the line and you're going to have a lot of ups and downs.

Do you feel he's committed to making it work? What is he doing to help you?

Use this time to build yourself up. Don't put any demands on yourself concerning staying or leaving, you have been through a great deal and need time to overcome the betrayal and trauma he has caused you.

Just as if he had beaten you up physically, you need to repair whilst living with your offender.
Now that's hard, to be able to recieve remorse from someone who actively sought to cause you a greal deal of pain is utterly confusing.

See what he does, what he offers, make him do the work, don't try to work him out and why he did it. Look after you, put yourself first, be selfish and try to re-build your confidence.
You may find your confidence does not return whilst living with him, so if you cannot forgive, give yourself the gift of time.

You can change your mind at any point 5 months or 5 years down the line, he deserves no timetable for you returning to the loyal happy devoted wife you used to be.

Oh and if you fancy starting out with someone else in the meantime, do so, he deserves no fair warning of your future relationships, he lost that entitlement the day he betrayed you.

Good luck, may you grow stronger.
x

I’m a mess, he’s a mess. I don’t know if this is salvageable.

I’m sick of fighting.

Then stop the fighting, drop the rope.

It is doing you no favours and making you ill.
Your personality is shouting out a person who is not happy to accept this betrayal that he has inflicted on you yet you are clinging on to the life you thought you deserved/expected to have.

That is a fight within yourself and can only be resolved when you let go and accept one decision or another. We cannot tell you what to do, we cannot make you a forgiving person or a revengeful person who dishes some shit back onto him.

Time will help you gain strength but sometimes it can make the indicision worse have you thought about councelling to help you see things clearer.

I think that's pretty unfair tbh - they're only 2 months on from discovery of the affair - far too early to either expect the fighting to have stopped or for OP to know whether she can come to terms with what he did.

I’m seeing a therapist. She’s been wonderful.
Most of the time I know what I want. I’m just sick of the emotions. I want things to be easy.

Unfortunately that's impossible, you're stuck with the emotional roller-coaster. You can't fast-forward through it.

Why do you think you could be good together if he's cheated on you?

The6thQueen I am so very sorry

It is early days. Some days you will feel like you can get through it and other days you will want to up and leave. It will be a journey that you cannot run through or avoid the lows. You will have to go through the pain - unfortunately there is no way around it. Be good to you in the meantime.

I remember the anger, helplessness, despair and having no control over my emotions from one hour to the next.

As others have advised, deal with your finances, do a budget, seek advice to better understand what position you will be in should you choose to leave.

Do not pressure yourself or berate yourself when you feel you are going back and forth on your words or actions. There is no timeline on leaving, absolutely none. The ball is in your court.

onthedunes
I took it that my dh's ONS gave me the green light to have an affair. Made me feel desired, attractive and wanted at a time I so desperately needed it. I admit it played havoc with my mental health and caused me to question my own lack of morals and values.

@Faith50 thank you for your kind words. They are what my therapist tells me regularly.

I’m so so tired. I love him very much @TheWaif and believe he loves me too. He is human, he makes mistake. I believe he truest regrets it and shows remorse. I’m
Not excusing him at all. But I do want to try. I want to do that for me and for my children.

I’m also a mess. Everyday is a struggle, my emotions are all over the place. He has quite serious mental health issues as well as alcohol addiction. High expressed emotion is not good for either of us, but I am so up and down. I just want things to be easy.

Sorry for the typos

Him being an alcoholic alone is reason enough to end this marriage. Don't raise your children in this environment. It really shouldn't be this hard, op. Your marriage is a disaster.

That’s a bit harsh @Aquamarine1029, you have no idea what my marriage is like!

He is working on the alcohol and has made massive steps forward with the help of his therapist. He is also working on his mental health. He gave me the gift of time to work through many of my issues - he lived with a pretty much sexless marriage for 10 years. I’m not saying his behaviour is my fault, but I will give him time and patience to sort himself out. Just like he gave me.

That’s a bit harsh @Aquamarine1029, you have no idea what my marriage is like!

I’m a mess, he’s a mess. I don’t know if this is salvageable.

I’m sick of fighting.

Those are your words, not mine. Your husband is an alcoholic, has serious mental health issues, and he's cheating, so anyone can see that your marriage is far from adequate. My biggest concern is your children. It must be very hard for them to cope with all of this dysfunction.

@Aquamarine1029 I’m too tired to fight. Thanks for your input. Sorry I don’t find it helpful.

Maybe some time apart would benefit both of you? Maybe he could stay with family for a few weeks, let you get some headspace.