Husband becoming even more selfish as he gets older.

[CustardSquirrel]

Long time user but regular name changer. Have in the last 10 years been ready to leave on a few occasions , last time was 3 weeks ago. H has always put his own interests before me ( though not usually DC ) . Yet another incident today - I need to get uniform ready for work, have a visitor staying, I am told that getting my shit together for work must be done after visitor leaves, which is the day after I'm back in work because it " looks unwelcoming"
I'm just over it all now, he will ( and has) put anyone and everyone before me. Neighbour swore in my face whilst drunk - DH all pally with him the next day.
I was assaulted at work by a service user - he came to A and E and asked what I did to set them off whilst my lip was bleeding and my eye was swelling. No sympathy.
Have 1adult DC with MH issues, it's the only thing keeping me here at this very moment.
BUT........
He also makes me laugh, makes me a cuppa every morning, ect & probably has social anxiety that explains some of his batshittedness. He is selfish, I earned an extra £1000 last month killing myself with overtime , he happily bought stuff he needed ( joint account, he is on a fixed income) then grilled me on a prescription charge ( my BP tablets needed to be changed ) , that was the catalyst for the bags being packed 3 weeks ago. Also I'm 50 & have a nice home & dont want to walk away from all that. So basically not quite bad enough to leave but really crap. I've tried talking to him, he agrees , promises to change then...... it all happens again. Just feel stuck atm

God, why are you still with him? You only get one life - don't waste the rest of yours on this horrible man. I know it takes courage to leave - I did it. But I bet you don't regret it when you're free of him.

Don't leave but kick off divorce proceedings.

Speak to a solicitor and find out your options. It won't be nice living together whilst it all goes through, but the sooner you start the sooner it'll be over

It is bad enough to leave. I can’t imagine my Dh being anything but hostile to anyone who swore in my face and he would freak out if I came home with a black eye. Questioning how much your prescription charges are when you have been doing overtime. Honestly, it’s not worth it for a cup of tea in the morning. I have social anxiety (as in clinically diagnosed) it definitely doesn’t make me an arsehole.

Stop minimising. Don’t leave your house, do your damndest to get him out instead.

I have gone down the solicitor route once before & it ended up with DC self harming. Cant go there again.

He isn't going to change. You're 50, I assume he's a similar age, you could have 40 years of this ahead of you. How do you feel about that?

What would have happened if you'd said "WTF, I am doing my uniform now"; "WTF, you spent xxx on yourself and you're berating me over a prescription charge when I earned that money?" "WTF, getting assaulted was my fault?". I am guessing he will sulk/flounce or similar.

Honestly, just work out your next steps and move. Alternatively I read a really useful book something like "too good to go too bad to stay" which really helped.

FWIW XDH and I both found wonderful new partners after we split at your age and will live happily ever after.

I will definitely get the book. I dont take this all passively btw, and he is older than me, retired.

Time to open your own bank account to have your salary paid into for a start. Do it quickly before next payday. Then just put your share of the bill money into the joint account.

Spending your hard earned overtime on his own frills and fancies without a thought is not ok.

Do you think your dh's behaviour could play into your dc's MH problems? I mean, it seems unlikely to me that someone so undermining wouldn't be the same with the dc.

Asking you what you'd done to provoke someone to assault you and being matey with people who verbally abuse you isn't minor stuff, OP - it's fucking awful.

I think it's time that you make the jump - yes, there will be upheaval and upset, but your dc is an adult, you can't go on being emotionally blackmailed into maintaining the status quo. Get extra support in place for them during the transition and follow through.

I do realise how fucked up this is, I've also considered that it may be the beginnings of dementia, especially the neighbour thing. But it's not like this all the time, he isn't a pantomime villain, it's not clear cut. I'm going to get some rl advice for sure.

I have said to him that I know that he will take anyone's side against me in an argument & he acted all offended until I reminded him of when he has done just that then he gets all upset.

What a disloyal twat he is.

What's the point if he doesn't have your back.
What does he actually do for you? It sounds totally one sided and until you show him you mean buisness he will never get that he's a pathetic loser of a partner.

You say you love your home, just stop doing anything for him, tell him thats reserved for people who care for you.
He's an arsehole who has put everyone before you, christ what that does to your confidence.
Get used to exerting the same treatment towoards him, he doesn't deserve your loyalty or love.
Toughen up and whilst you get used to feeling separate, you may find you don't actually need this albatros round your neck.
Why live with your enemy ?

No, of course he's not - very few people are awful all the time, most people have good points and most relationships, even abusive ones, have good times.

But does a cup of tea in the morning and laughter really outweigh all the crap, and do you want the next 20 - 30 years to continue like this, possibly getting worse?

You could get a teasmade and listen to Rhod Gilbert.

@Onthedunes your post has given me food for thought.

Buy yourself a Teasmaid and a Fawlty Towers box set and ditch the selfish pig. He only gets upset when you threaten to split because he knows his life will be made more difficult and uncomfortable - he really doesn't care about you or your happiness. You're only 50! You don't have to put up with this.

Why do you have to be the one to leave?

I'm around the same age as you op and like hell would I put up with that. I'm willing to bet dh behaviour impacting dc mh too!

So you'd be doing you both a favour

Get him gone

I would certainly open up my own bank account and have my wages paid in there. I'm buggered if he'd be spending the money I'd grafted for on himself. I understand that you don't want to start again at 50 with 50% of your house and trying to get a mortgage to buy something alone.

However, I'm not convinced that's a good enough reason to spend (possibly) another 30 odd years with someone who sounds selfish.

Even if you don't want to leave just yet or are still mulling it over. Id get your salary
Paid into your own account. Then transfer the basic salary into the joint and keep your overtime earnings for yourself or a % of to start to build your own nest egg.

Wanting financial independence and your own non scrutinised money in a marriage is acceptable even for someone committed to staying.

So with the joint account, I insisted on it 5 years ago, before he retired as he was earning 1/2 of my earnings but had ££££ more per month to spend on himself because he only paid a few DD, 's.

And I was left in my overdraft/ broke until pay day. So, financially abusive as well. Joint account was meant to give us both equal access to money.

A relationship shouldn't be a constant battle to be treated properly.

It has worked until this month. I am actually starting to think that there could be cognitive changes. His dad had dementia.

I know category12, but its years between these incidents. But I have to address the fact that I am very unhappy and feel totally unvalued.

And 5 years ago what was behind his behaviour?

He might be getting worse, but he's not exactly starting from a high point to begin with.

Maybe he does have cognitive changes, my husband also did, but it's funny isn't it how it's not made him softer, more understanding and less financially grabbing ?

He knows what he's doing, stop making excuses for him, selfish is what selfish does.

Start putting yourself first and sod the fall out and consequenses, if he moans, just say sorry about that didn't realise I'd hurt you and move on to the next scenario you can take back control of.

Stop him using you.
He is treating like a doormat, nd on top of that he has not protected you.
Unforgivable.

He has merely ramped up the power and control against you over the years. He knows what he is doing here and its all deliberate in intent. Such men hate women, all of them. You ascribing possible cognitive changes and or dementia to him is basically you burying you head in the sand by trying to excuse his abusive behaviour towards you. I would also think that he is in large part a cause of your adult child’s mental health issues.