Hi all,
I need some advice and a reality check.
My last relationship ended because we both felt it had become toxic and each thought the other was mean and abusive in our actions. I found him uncaring to the point of being callous about some difficulties I was having (my brother being sectioned last year, family being torn apart due to this, struggling with anxiety and his response was just 'block his texts and stop caring') and he claimed I didn't respect his boundaries and asked for too much from him and overwhelmed him. He told me he only wanted to see me 1-2 days a week and thought I texted too often and wanted to see him too often. My issue was he was always unclear about it...so I'd invite him to do something and instead of just declining, he'd show up, clearly not want to be there and then be grouchy and snappy with me. He thought I shouldn't invite him and I was pressuring him, I thought the onus was on him to say no if he didn't feel like it. We could never see eye to eye on this.
We were (and are) very attracted to each other and when things were good, we got along like a house on fire. But when we moved in together into his little flat, it was daily bickering and stress. From my perspective, he picked on everything I said and did. Everything was wrong or weird. The way I talked, the questions I asked, everything. He would get personally offended at some of the things I did to cope with my autism/ADHD, like needing to lay out clothes and pack my bag the night before I had to go somewhere in the morning, or making lists for everything, or struggling with even very small decisions. Even though he knows I have a diagnosis, he was constantly getting irritated by what he perceived as illogical or silly behaviour. He claimed I was always angry and aggro with him, I thought he was always grumpy and snappy with me. We just couldn't seem to find a way of just existing peacefully. It of course didn't help that two of us were working from home and pretty much home 24/7 in a tiny one-bed flat.
I also found his communication skills baffling...he would claim he'd been very clear with me about stuff when he absolutely wasn't at all. He spent weeks talking about us buying a house together, to the point of looking into the legal aspects and asking me if I was prepared to commit to it if he put his flat on the market....then just a few weeks later told me the relationship was pretty much over and that he was only talking about buying a house because he thought he was trapped with me and it was making the best of it! (???) He said he only wanted to buy a house to help me out and get me out of my rubbish flatshare, and that he wanted to stay where he was and clear his mortgage quickly, then after we agreed not to bother with buying a house for now and that I'd just rent a flat alone instead, he started looking at houses again, to buy by himself (!!!??) His story regarding the house thing seemed to keep changing to suit whatever his current mood was and to paint me as being in the way or in the wrong.
I decided to move out a few weeks ago because all of this was just becoming intolerable, and now we've pretty much broken up...the way he put it was, let's back off for now, get our own space back, and see what happens. He seems open to getting back together but it doesn't feel likely.
The problem is that I miss him terribly. We met for drinks the other night and it was so much fun...just like at the start of the relationship. I'm still very attracted to him (and I'm not attracted to many men), when he's on form he's funny, witty and likeable. Despite the bad points, he's reliable and never had any problem with being 'official', meeting his friends and family, etc. The thought of having to go on online dating and sift through all the crap men is soul destroying. I'm 36 and feel like it's going to be really hard to meet someone else now. I don't know what to do.