How to stop thinking my awful ex husband is still ‘the one’?

Umberellatheweatha · 22/06/2021 12:59

This is going to sound cheesy af but I try to think if it as life is a journey and theres lots of different destinations and people along the way. Some people stay on the bus with us for a while but ultimately we all get off at the last stop alone.

I don't believe there is a 'one' for us. Only some people that stay on the journey with us for a bit longer than others.

Besides, if anything, it seems that bastard should have been flung off your bus a few stops sooner.

MorrisZapp · 22/06/2021 13:03

@Umberellatheweatha

This is going to sound cheesy af but I try to think if it as life is a journey and theres lots of different destinations and people along the way. Some people stay on the bus with us for a while but ultimately we all get off at the last stop alone.

I don't believe there is a 'one' for us. Only some people that stay on the journey with us for a bit longer than others.

Besides, if anything, it seems that bastard should have been flung off your bus a few stops sooner.

Perfect.

FeistySheep · 22/06/2021 13:15

I'm trying to put myself in your shoes and think 'if my good husband who I love phenomenally suddenly changed in the future and became a total tit, how would I get over this love I have for him'? The answer is I don't know if I could either OP! So I do get you.

I think that one way might be to actively choose to consider your rational brain as superior to your feelings (which are often out of your control). Take charge, tell your feelings that you are running the show, and they can back off. Every time they stick their head up, just squash them back down. I've not been in your shoes exactly, but have applied this process to unwanted feelings about other things, and it does work eventually. The feelings went away.

He might have been 'your one' - ie you felt he was perfectly matched to you. But that doesn't mean there aren't other 'ones' out there. Try to get over the idea that it was in any way your fault (from your description it definitely wasn't), and if you want to meet someone else in the future, hold on to hope that you might just find another 'your one' (a real one this time)!

Cowbells · 22/06/2021 13:22

Try very clearly spelling the whole process out to yourself:

Because I am a loving loyal person, I assumed he was, and so my deep love for him was based on that assumption. I was wrong. He was a shallow selfish immature man who couldn't handle a home life where he was no longer the sole, central object of my attentions and affections once we had children.

So yes, I will never love like that again because I will never love someone blindly again. But clearly I have the capacity to love. I'll just be very choosy and check someone out first before I give my heart to them. That's very cool and wise of me to have learned from the experience and not become bitter.

Something like that. Healthy, kind, honest self-talk of the type a loving friend would say to you.

Crikeyalmighty · 22/06/2021 15:26

Someone kindly once said to me there isn’t such a thing as ‘the one’ what there is though is ‘the one’ for that point in life. There can be quite a few ‘the ones’ if you choose there to be so . Life changes, people can and do in many cases change and what you perceive as ‘the one’ can change too.

BichonFrizz · 22/06/2021 15:30

@Umberellatheweatha

This is going to sound cheesy af but I try to think if it as life is a journey and theres lots of different destinations and people along the way. Some people stay on the bus with us for a while but ultimately we all get off at the last stop alone.

I don't believe there is a 'one' for us. Only some people that stay on the journey with us for a bit longer than others.

Besides, if anything, it seems that bastard should have been flung off your bus a few stops sooner.

It doesn't sound cheesy. It sounds like a really wonderful way of framing things to me

Original poster

Ritor · 22/06/2021 16:43

@Umberellatheweatha

This is going to sound cheesy af but I try to think if it as life is a journey and theres lots of different destinations and people along the way. Some people stay on the bus with us for a while but ultimately we all get off at the last stop alone.

I don't believe there is a 'one' for us. Only some people that stay on the journey with us for a bit longer than others.

Besides, if anything, it seems that bastard should have been flung off your bus a few stops sooner.

Thank you for this. I can understand how this is such a nice way to think about it but even reading that makes me feel sad because I think why couldn’t he have stayed on a bit longer?

I feel so sad that I have to pave out a new life and no matter what it’s not the life I wanted (being with my children’s father as a family forever).

OP posts:

Original poster

Ritor · 22/06/2021 16:44

@Cowbells

Try very clearly spelling the whole process out to yourself:

Because I am a loving loyal person, I assumed he was, and so my deep love for him was based on that assumption. I was wrong. He was a shallow selfish immature man who couldn't handle a home life where he was no longer the sole, central object of my attentions and affections once we had children.

So yes, I will never love like that again because I will never love someone blindly again. But clearly I have the capacity to love. I'll just be very choosy and check someone out first before I give my heart to them. That's very cool and wise of me to have learned from the experience and not become bitter.

Something like that. Healthy, kind, honest self-talk of the type a loving friend would say to you.

Thank you for this. Sometimes I wish I had someone in real life to say these things to me as I do find it hard to self talk like this

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 22/06/2021 16:47

@Ritor

I feel ridiculous even writing this as my ex husband was so horrible to me. We were together 10 years with two young children via IVF. We broke up 1.5 years ago, he walked out out of the blue saying he didn’t want this life anymore. Turns out he had been on dating apps for the past 2 years (this he admitted to). The lies he told looking back is so hard to get my head around, it included work trips away that weren’t really work where he couldn’t answer the phone to his kids due ro being so ‘busy’, pretending to see grieving friends when really he was out with other women, I didn’t doubt his stories once.

Before the break up we weren’t getting on, I didn’t feel cared for at all and asked him if he still loved me as I didn’t feel it. He always reassured me in that moment that he did, but at the time of the break up he said he hasn’t loved me for a while so the feelings I had were right.

We went to counselling at my request before the break up and he said all the right things there, that he knew he didn’t appreciate me enough, knew he was horrible to me at times etc but now says he just said what he knew he ‘should’ say in the sessions.

What I struggle with now is that I really loved him, I really thought this was it for me, if a soulmate existed then I really believed it was him. Before we had children our marriage was really good, with a lot of love and time for eachother. I was able to recognise that having two young children of course impacted on that and I used to try so hard to make me and him feel like a united team working together for our family instead of at odds with one another.

Despite all what he has done to me, I can’t imagine ever loving anyone like that again, and I beat myself up thinking what could I have done differently to stop it ending how it did. Rationally I know he’s an awful person if he could treat me and our children like that but I find myself triggered when I watch tv shows where people are in love or anything similar to that and I think “my person got away”. Probably sounds ridiculous but I want to be able to get into the mindset that actually he did me a favour by leaving me but I don’t know how.

I understand how that feels op. I feel the same about a similarly awful ex, who I used to think of as 'my person'.

He's an utter shit, but I don't think I'll ever love that completely and deeply ever again. Maybe that's a good thing.

MrsBobDylan · 22/06/2021 20:08

I think you would really benefit from some counselling op. I love my husband but if he revealed himself to be someone who could make a lifelong commitment via marriage and children, only to decide he 'didn't want that life' a few years in, I couldn't love him.

I think what you are grieving and missing is the 'future forward' stuff - going on holidays as a family, celebrating your children's achievements together, sharing a home and building a family.

It's not him you are missing, it's having someone to share your life with. And the good news is that - when you feel ready - there are lots of fantastic men out there who will love and cherish you and want to travel the same path as you.

Your ex helped you make your beautiful kids, that was his purpose in your life. He was a shit partner and one day you will be glad he bailed early I promise.

Taliskerskye · 22/06/2021 21:14

He let you down. If you had of stayed you would end up feeling resentful.
So you’re missing what you hoped your future would be. Not what it actually would have been.

Can you separate the 2? Counselling?

It’s so hard to stop thinking about the what ifs. And in all honesty talking therapy and time are basically the only things. You’ll get there when you’re ready.

Sometimes I find it really hard to read things like “oh 2 months later I found my Dh, you can to”

Because there really is no time frame of dealing with grief. Which is what this is.

I’ve lost people through death and through them leaving me. And my dp leaving me was the hardest to deal with by far. So cut yourself some slack. It’s HARD.

Whatonearth07957 · 24/06/2021 18:57

You had your time and your DC with him, he's a different person now and mentally you need to say goodbye to what might have been. Think happily on the good years and look forward rather than backwards now. Don't dwell and compare. Live your life independently.

GrandmasCat · 24/06/2021 19:02

I think you need to put a list together of the times he was not nice, ignored you and made you feel unloved.

Then go back to the list everytime you miss him because believe me the man you married is not the same you split of from, the nice one was gone years before the split. If you continue to idealise him/focus on his long gone positives, you will never be able to move on.

Fireflygal · 24/06/2021 19:32

@Cowbells, very wise and a lovely update.

Op, your ex blindsided you and as I had a similar experience I think I can relate to the shock of the discovery phase. I also think the speed of separation has meant you are taking responsibility for tbe relationship ending when the likelihood is it's your Ex's fault. His pattern may not yet be apparent but 10 years down the line it will become more obvious. Any one who lies so easily does not change.

Are you aware of the idealise, devalue and discard cycle? The idealise phase is when you believe you are soulmates, it is the best relationship you have ever had and you truly believe you have found the one however it is always followed by the devalue stage, where you spend time trying to get back to the soulmate stage. Finally there is the discard, usually at the worse possible time, often very unexpected and usually the deceit becomes apparent.

If this this was the pattern in your relationship then there isn't "closure" and as a result recovery takes longer.

I was constantly blindsided by Ex's lies that made me rethink everything about our relationship and I had to question my naivety. It was like a jigsaw puzzle where pieces kept falling into place and the picture in my head differed signifcantly to reality. I think the term is cognitive dissonance.

I have struggled with "why me?" And my only answer is perhaps the lesson is one I needed to learn. I was too trusting and loved someome without proper "due diligence". I didn't trust my instincts at times...was that similar for you?

Write down all the ways he lied or was horrible to you. Is he really worthy of your love?

Wearywithteens · 24/06/2021 19:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Bluebellsinthesnow · 24/06/2021 20:25

You are normal. You have been hurt. You are processing stuff. Remembering the better times. Thinking why cant he be the man I fell for? Why can't he be who I thought he was. Believe me I understand. I've recently had to cut someone out my life that I absolutely adored until march. I thought we'd spend the rest of our lives together. But then I learned he was a cheat. A liar. Living in the past with his. Overall a selfish angry man who had Alot of sides. But I still feel like I'll never fall so hard again. Love as Intensely. For me he was someone I just adored and loved with all I had. There was nobody else for me. Absolutely nobody. Wed always talk about how neither of us would ever cheat and how loyality meant so much. He was able to lie through his teeth to me .

I don't have the answer. I believe some things stay with us for a long time. We just have to carry it. It's horrible. I wish I could wake up and not think of him and the times I thought I had him and he had me. I thought we had eachothers backs. It's so sad when you've lost someone you hoped would protect you and support you.

I get where you are coming from. It's because you loved him truly and with honesty. He was the flawed one.