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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another should I stay or should I go thread

4 replies

TreeSmuggler · 22/06/2021 12:12

Just like the title says really. I've been with my DH for 6 years, married for 4. We had a bit of a rocky start, he would often say things that weren't nice (I'm ugly, greedy, that sort of thing), then we would fight about it and he'd say "OK I'm leaving". I'm embarrassed to say I really loved him at the time so I begged him to come back (I know!) and he always did. As I said I really loved him but I admit I was also sick of being single and felt I was getting older and wanted a relationship and children. He never had much of a sex drive and there was little intimacy by way of hugs etc.

Anyway after we got married he behaved a lot better and we got along well.

We've just bought a house, I paid 80% of the very substantial deposit with money I saved from before we met. (He is responsible with money but spent most of his life travelling so had no savings.) Since we've moved, he has set up in the spare bedroom. After we put our dc to bed at 7.30pm, he does not speak another word to me for the rest of the night. He has given up any pretence of intimacy, there is nothing at all and obviously no sex.

I have asked him twice what's going on and said honestly I'm not willing to continue like this long term. He just said "what can I do". Because I regret how I acted in the past, I'm not really willing to beg him, fawn over him or whatever.

What is going on here? It isn't an affair, he isn't interested in sex for one, two he doesn't leave the house except for work and we work at the same place. He has no friends. I feel like I've been used to buy him a house. But surely he'd want to keep up the act for a few months at least? Is this it for me for life? On the other hand I think, you knew it wasn't a perfect relationship from the beginning, but you wanted children, which I did get. Have I made my bed and now I have to lie in it?

OP posts:
TreeSmuggler · 22/06/2021 12:13

Our dc are 1 and 3.

OP posts:
SeeYouInFive · 22/06/2021 12:15

How do you own the house? Is it as joint tenants or as tenants in common?

RandomMess · 22/06/2021 12:16

End it now whilst they are young.

Can you evidence you are primary carer or do you both work full time?

You need to set up the divorce petition and have your ducks in a row. He could claim to be primary parent to have the DC stay with him in the house.

updownroundandround · 22/06/2021 12:38

@TreeSmuggler

It was never really a loving, supportive relationship, but it's now gone downwards beyond even a mutually 'respectful' relationship.
I'd go so far as to say that you've both now embarked upon a purely ''transactional'' relationship.

I think you need to see a solicitor for advice first. ( You can usually get an hour free consultation initially, which can be in person or online) Then get your financial things in order. Try to save as much as you can in the meantime.

Then simply take it from there, one step at a time. The solicitor will tell you the appropriate steps to take and give you the advice you need to be able to separate/ divorce your H.

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