Best friendship that is falling apart at the seams

EarthSight · 22/06/2021 10:04

but I honestly think her (unspoken) treatment of me stinks. She doesn’t reply to WA for days if at all, she’s always busy if I suggest even a walk, we never do social stuff, and doesn’t seem to want her kids to see mine. Presents go ignored / family crises not checked in on- when I really try to make an effort for her things.

I'm not sure which part you're not getting here. Your apparent 'best friend' seems to have moved on, is barely your friend, but you still regard her as your best friend?? It's a bit like a guy still referring to his ex as his girlfriend, pouting that she doesn't appreciate his gifts and that she's not checking in on him, when she moved on ages ago and even has had a different boyfriend for a while now. She still maybe cares about him and checks in every now and again, but he's hurt because she's not there for family events and doesn't want to go for a walk with him - you are this ex boyfriend. Unfortunately you haven't had the closure of a break-up and have never had anyone say to your face - I just don't enjoy spending time with you, so you're hanging on.

Her treatment of you doesn't stink because she's clearly moved on. You though seem to have the impression that she signed a blood pact of loyalty with you and is not holding up. She is not obliged to be friends with you, to be loyal to you, or anything else OP. I'm afraid doing stuff for other people isn't enough - they need to actually enjoy your company. Your blindness to this again makes you sound like the type of guy who complains 'But I do so much for her. Last week I drive her to a concert, I give her flowers, I give her gifts like jewellery....but I guess no one likes nice guys, eh'? It's not just about appreciating generosity - someone needs to find your personality appealing to be around, and that is highly variable. She's quiet and shy, yes? Some people find that really dull and draining, but others would find that endearing and delightful. Maybe you need to accept that she's moved on since she was 4 years old, and stop attempting to entwining your life with hers. Move on, and find another friend.

EarthSight · 22/06/2021 10:10

but I honestly think her (unspoken) treatment of me stinks. She doesn’t reply to WA for days if at all, she’s always busy if I suggest even a walk, we never do social stuff, and doesn’t seem to want her kids to see mine. Presents go ignored / family crises not checked in on- when I really try to make an effort for her things

I still can't get over this quote. I cannot believe that you don't seem to be getting the message after all of that. She just wants you to leave her alone. Maybe a short, friendly What's App interaction every now and again, but nothing more.

What does she need to do to get this message through to you??

MrsOwly · 22/06/2021 10:21

It sounds like in her eyes you're not as close friends as you used to be.

These things happen in life, friendships change.

I'd let it go.

Maverick197 · 22/06/2021 11:05

I've been through something similar and it really hurts. Like you say, it's hard to accept when your lives have been entwined for so long. My BF and I became BFs at the age of 10, we were neighbours and walked to school together, did everything together, she became a part of my family and I a part of hers. We were bridesmaids at each others weddings, we are godparents to each others children. She really was the very bestest of best friends I have ever had. I am now in my late 40s and I noticed that she started to contact me less and less about 10 years ago. I had moved to a different part of the country and so we saw less of each other, but would still call and write long emails and meet at least once a year.
As we got older my BF started to move in different circles and became more bohemian and all her new friends were musicians, artists and actors. Whenever I met her new friends I stuck our like a sore thumb as I was the only one not covered in tattoos and piercings. I, on the other hand, started to make different kinds of friends in the running circles and joined a running club. I think I just wasn't cool enough for her anymore.
I have been sending Christmas cards and birthday messages every year and most years I would get a reply, but over the past years it hasn't been more than just one of two sentences. I sent her a message during the lockdown to see if she was ok, also to let her know that my mum had a stroke as my BF and mum were always close. I never received a response even though I can see that the message has been read.
I have come to the conclusion that she has moved on and no longer wants to be my friend. It hurts and I still think about her a lot, but I have somehow come to terms with it. I think it helps that I have made some good new friends too.
It really hurt when my dad recently asked how my BF is doing and I just couldn't admit that we are no longer in contact, so I just said that she's fine. Sometimes when I have a bad day and feel low I feel like a failure that I couldn't keep this friendship going and I can't help but blame myself, am I really that insignificant to her that she can just drop me out of her life like that yet I pine for her? Did I get our friendship wrong all along, is there something wrong with me? It has made me question whether I misjudge people and how they feel about me.

But most of the time I can just accept that it's the classic "we just grew apart" scenario and it's nothing to do with me. We change as we grow older and sometimes the people we associate with change dramatically and our old friends no longer fit into our new lives.

Paramaribo · 22/06/2021 11:36

his sound really hurtful OP

I think that you are tormenting yourself now by continuing with the things you are and also damaging and possibility or a re-kindling of this relationship in the future (from both ends).

I would completely stop now - I wouldn't contact her at all (no messages/birthday wishes/Christmas cards - nothing) unless she contacts you. Delete your messages between you (I'm not suggesting blocking - just don't have them there as a reminder).

She's not a friend to you now. Concentrate on the people who are showing real friendship with you now - you don't deserve to be treated like this.

Paramaribo · 22/06/2021 11:38

Apologies for my poor editing !

DGFB · 22/06/2021 11:42

This sounds so hurtful but I agree you just need to let it go. Friendships do change, concentrate on the new friends you have and see

ThePlantsitter · 22/06/2021 11:42

It depends where you get information about her other social life. If it's social media don't assume it's accurate.

I think trying to have an intense and honest conversation about this is the worst thing to do. I'm not sure you have to accept the friendship is over as it may not be but you should definitely keep communication light, casual and undemanding if you want to stay in touch. Chat, don't talk. And if she doesn't respond to that well maybe the friendship is over but also maybe it's just paused - I'm not sure friendships of this length just end in the way people are talking about. It's hard but it will be OK one way or the other.

Ohmygoshandfolly · 22/06/2021 11:42

She’s gradually phased you out of her life and as sad as it is, you now need to do the same. Stop sending gifts and stop contacting her.

Jonjojobs123 · 22/06/2021 13:51

@EarthSight. God your not holding any prisoners

NeedNewKnees · 22/06/2021 14:05

@EarthSightis harsh but she has a point. This isn't a friendship anymore.

She's moved on; you're trying to resurect what you had. I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to let go of it all - leave contact to her, reduce it to a Christmas card. It's sad when friends drift apart but it's all too common.

Triffid1 · 22/06/2021 14:13

It sounds like she's moved on. It is sad, but sometimes it's the way it goes. Personally, in a situation like this where you've been friends for such a long time, I'd be inclined to ask directly, "Have I done something to upset you or is it just that life is different these days" because I guess there's a chance she's drifted away because of something you didn't realise you were doing. But it sounds like it's time to move on.

Where it gets complicated is when these friendships are suddenly resurrected. The person gets in touch, suggests a day out, you have a glorious time and think everything i fine again... only to find they never contact you again.

Also, the old MN mantra of "when someone shows you who they are, believe them" is relevant. If she can't be bothered to acknowledge gifts or your family, then she's not really a very nice person anyway. A few years ago I had a very therapeutic purge of a number of so-called family friends when I came to realise that these people didn't give two hoots about me or my family.

EarthSight · 22/06/2021 14:48

@NeedNewKnees I think the reason why I was more brutally honest than usual is because the OP said 'her treatment of me stinks'.

When I read on, I thought I was going to read about the usual scenarios that pop up on here, and usually I'm more patient or kindly supportive of them in asserting their boundaries, saying 'no' to piss-takers and moving on. However the main crime here, the way that her friend has behaved in a 'stinking' manner that the OP feels unable to 'call her out' on, is that the friend quite clearly doesn't want to be friends back with her and hasn't communicated this directly. I can understand why the OP would feel hurt about the lack of communication and closure in particular, but I can also understand why her friend would freeze her out in this way. It would naturally open a complex conversation about the way they feel, possibly cause an nasty argument and give the OP the chance to resurrect a relationship the friend has no interest in. I think we should give people closure whenever possible so they can move on, but in a small circle of friends or community the friend might not want to cause drama. Plus, it's very hard for most people to sit down with a friend and be told why their ingrained personality traits is not something they want to be around anymore.

Original poster

Bunsyduff · 22/06/2021 15:08

Thanks all so much for taking the time.. I really appreciate it, truly.

Friendships hurt, don’t they! I hope everyone who has been through this is ok. @Maverick197 thanks for sharing and I hope you’re ok.
@EarthSight your comments made me catch my breath, but I really appreciate your honesty. I honestly am not ( I hope!) acting like a hideous ex still expecting stuff- and certainly not around my friend!- but maybe airing it here sounded that way. I apologise. But losing a really deep friendship is f’ing hard. I hope I didn’t come across as entitled, because I certainly didn’t intend to.
@ThePlantsitter my mum says the same and @Triffid1 you sound v wise!
Thanks to everyone. Much appreciated. 🙏

OP posts:

Sunflower1970 · 22/06/2021 22:00

@EarthSight

but I honestly think her (unspoken) treatment of me stinks. She doesn’t reply to WA for days if at all, she’s always busy if I suggest even a walk, we never do social stuff, and doesn’t seem to want her kids to see mine. Presents go ignored / family crises not checked in on- when I really try to make an effort for her things.

I'm not sure which part you're not getting here. Your apparent 'best friend' seems to have moved on, is barely your friend, but you still regard her as your best friend?? It's a bit like a guy still referring to his ex as his girlfriend, pouting that she doesn't appreciate his gifts and that she's not checking in on him, when she moved on ages ago and even has had a different boyfriend for a while now. She still maybe cares about him and checks in every now and again, but he's hurt because she's not there for family events and doesn't want to go for a walk with him - you are this ex boyfriend. Unfortunately you haven't had the closure of a break-up and have never had anyone say to your face - I just don't enjoy spending time with you, so you're hanging on.

Her treatment of you doesn't stink because she's clearly moved on. You though seem to have the impression that she signed a blood pact of loyalty with you and is not holding up. She is not obliged to be friends with you, to be loyal to you, or anything else OP. I'm afraid doing stuff for other people isn't enough - they need to actually enjoy your company. Your blindness to this again makes you sound like the type of guy who complains 'But I do so much for her. Last week I drive her to a concert, I give her flowers, I give her gifts like jewellery....but I guess no one likes nice guys, eh'? It's not just about appreciating generosity - someone needs to find your personality appealing to be around, and that is highly variable. She's quiet and shy, yes? Some people find that really dull and draining, but others would find that endearing and delightful. Maybe you need to accept that she's moved on since she was 4 years old, and stop attempting to entwining your life with hers. Move on, and find another friend.

Harsh! this is 36 years of friendship and it is really upsetting. OP isn’t a mad stalker, she is just being ‘phased out’ with no closure. OP I would concentrate on your other lovely friends and family - your friendship obviously means more to you than it does to her. You sound a nice person and hope you can move on from this xx

Original poster

Bunsyduff · 23/06/2021 10:51

Thanks so much @Sunflower1970. I hope I am... and to be fair to @EarthSight ( as I mulled on this last night!) there have been a few incidents that I didn’t refer to that would qualify for stinky... am def not a mad stalker or a coercive controller- sorry if it read that way.
Thanks for your kind words. Xxx

OP posts:

Spandrel · 23/06/2021 11:01

@EarthSight has been blunt, but I think her point stands. The OP is calling something a ‘best friendship’ which has clearly long stopped being so for her former best friend, and is being aggrieved by the ex-friend no longer behaving like the best friend she still views her as — when it sounds as if the friend is in fact trying to communicate as clearly as possible that she no longer regards the friendship as close.

I think that what the OP regards as ‘being a good friend’ — checking in, messaging, suggesting their children play, suggesting they meet — are now experienced by her former friend as annoyances.

OP, you’re clearly upset about the end of a friendship, but it mayreflower after a hiatus, if you both want that. Also, do you really want her to actually say ‘Look, it’s no longer working for me’?

Flippittyflopperty · 23/06/2021 11:07

I took a step back when a friend did this. It’s weird, when we do meet (I let her contact me mainly) she will often make noises that I’m her oldest and best friend. But it doesn’t feel that way and I’ve moved on and made other friends. I’m very non-confrontational. I take it for what it is and now, a few years on, we have a nice but more distant relationship. She was quite mean from time to time back then but since I distanced and left her to it a bit, we are ok again.
When I think of people who I know would have my back, she’s not on the list. But we didn’t fall out, just moved apart. It hurt at the time but I’m absolutely fine with it now.

sausagesandbeans77 · 25/06/2021 06:11

@EarthSight

but I honestly think her (unspoken) treatment of me stinks. She doesn’t reply to WA for days if at all, she’s always busy if I suggest even a walk, we never do social stuff, and doesn’t seem to want her kids to see mine. Presents go ignored / family crises not checked in on- when I really try to make an effort for her things

I still can't get over this quote. I cannot believe that you don't seem to be getting the message after all of that. She just wants you to leave her alone. Maybe a short, friendly What's App interaction every now and again, but nothing more.

What does she need to do to get this message through to you??

Well that was blunt but probably true! And I empathise. I agree move on and enjoy your other friends. Quite often people in life disappoint us. If she ever does contact you do same.

Dogoodfeelgood · 25/06/2021 06:36

Wow some of the comments are super harsh, you’re not at all equivalent to an ex boyfriend who won’t get the message because you haven’t “broken up”!! I’ve also had a long term friend ghost me like this, see her constantly posting screen shots of face time conversations she has with newer friends children but never manages to call me etc… it’s just one of those things unfortunately. People move on. I think having a heart to heart wouldn’t really result in much except risking an argument but I’ve also had someone die recently that I let fade out and will always regret not trying harder to let them know how important they are to me. And there is always that niggle that maybe you’ve done something that could be repaired with an open conversation isn’t there. I think especially when you live in different towns/countries it’s so easy to drift apart and doesn’t reflect on anyone’s friendship feelings, similarly life changes and you find yourself needing different types of relationship and support and also too busy to put the time into all the relationships you’ve ever formed with people. Maybe just catching up for a wine or inviting her over for dinner and cocktails or something would be better? Then you can have maybe a nice catch up every 6 months or so for old times sake without requiring active day to day friendship from her. I have a few friends who suggest walks with me and I find a walk with a friend so dull and really not a good use of my time, but if they messaged to say they had an amazing bottle of wine and a fab cheese with my name on it I might be much more tempted! Maybe her kids don’t get on with yours and it’s too awkward for her to explain? It’s possible that the effort you see her making with friends is just her attending interesting invites to things she’s interested in, rather than relationship effort being driven by her per se. So maybe if you want to see her you should think of something fun and interesting for you to do as women without the kids - a show, fab new restaurant etc.