House choice

[Heyelp]

My DH lives abroad because that is where his kids are. I live in the U.K. because that is where mine are. We are second time married. At some point we will live together between the two countries. About 3 years ago I sold my U.K. house because DH told me it was too small for him (he was right). So we bought a house in the U.K. together. So far so good. I have always struggled a bit with going to live in his country but now it is growing on me more and I am starting to feel more at home there. I went there recently and have seen different areas of the city he lives in and mentioned to him that maybe we could sell his house and buy one for the two of us. His house is nice but just not where I can see myself. It needs quite a bit of renovation and before we spend the money renovating it I wanted to mention that maybe we could buy somewhere else together for our future life. He is now really cross and unhappy with me and said he is happy and feels safe where he is and wants to stay put. So that’s that. End of story. Don’t really know why I am writing here. Just to get other people’s perspective I guess.

If he isn't willing to sell his house and buy one with you , then I wouldn't be moving country with my children to be with him.

So you sold a house that was 100% yours and bought a house that is 50% yours and now he won’t sell his 100% house to share one with you, I would be worried op.

It sounds like he was happy to tell you to sell your house but he’s not interested in making the same compromise for you to be happy

He shouldn’t be cross with you about it either

Is he usually like this?

So I wouldn’t move my kids there. My kids would leave home soon and then we would retire and spend our time between the U.K. and his country. It’s just that if his country becomes my home for some of the time I would like a house that I really would like to live in. It sounds spoilt because his house is good enough - just not what I would choose and doesn’t feel like our home - he bought it for himself before we met. He says that is where he feels safe and happy and he is not moving.

We wouldn’t buy together in his country together. He owns that house 100% and would own the new house 100%. But the money side is not really an issue. We made a good purchase together on our new house in the U.K. - so even if I own 50% of it, it was a good investment and I didn’t lose money IYSWIM. Plus in his will, this house will pass to me eventually 100%. So money is not the issue. It’s more the compromise from him around us living together in a house I also love. But as I say - is that a bit spoilt of me and I just suck up that this is his house and he loves it and that’s where I will be living in future.

@Shoxfordian yes he gets cross at me and says nothing is good enough for me. He is happy there and feels safe and he doesn’t want to move.

Is he unwilling to compromise because he owns the house abroad 100%, therefore doesn't see why you should have a say in it? The house in the UK was jointly purchased therefore he thought he should have a say in it. It suggests an attitude of separateness despite the marriage. Do you both hold the same views on this?

I am wondering if he sees his investments as his despite your marriage, which should mean 50/50 on all things. Also are the laws the same as UK regarding divorce and wills?

I mention wills because they can be changed at any time and you may not be aware of it. Don't want to be negative about it but I am wondering why the finances are so separate.

Is it the area or house you don't like, or both? And is it the area or house that makes him feel safe, or both? There could possibly be a compromise of buying a nicer house in the same area?

@Dacquoise so it is his house abroad but it will eventually become our home for half the time. He just sees me moving into his home as he is happy there. He will let me have a say in the renovation for sure but the renovation won’t solve how I think about the house. Moneywise it’s not an issue. He is very generous and I am well looked after in the will. Everything in the U.K. will eventually go to me and my kids and everything in his country to his. That’s the split. So even if he owns half the house here it will all come to my kids eventually.

@letitgogogo so it’s a bit of both. I live in London and he doesn’t even live in the capital city of his smaller country. So firstly I would even have chosen the capital city but realise he wants to stay in this smaller city because it’s where his kids are (altho they have nearly left home). But I am emotionally ok with moving to that city it’s just that I would choose somewhere more central. There is a really beautiful part more central where I would look. In addition his house is very very tall and skinny. With multiple small floors and very very steep stairs. And I am a keen gardener and there is a small courtyard but such that you would never even sit out there. And the decoration isn’t what I would have chosen. Fittings etc. We have chosen everything together in the U.K. but he obviously did his alone. Just not what I would have chosen. Just doesn’t feel like my home. So he says it is the house that makes him feel safe as at the moment he is alone a lot of the time and this is his safety and comfort.

I think that sounds reasonable though. It is his house. He lives there on his own most of the time. You only visit. Maybe one day if you decide to move there full-time, it would be a different conversation as it would then be a house for both of you.

Dh and I lived in different countries for a few years early in our relationship. I was renting, but still, it never even occurred to me to ask dh's option about where I lived. It wasn't his home. He wasn't on the tenancy. I similarly didn't give any input on where he lived at the time. When we moved to live in the same country, then we looked for a house that suited both of us and that we were both equally financially invested in.

@mindutopia yep I do see what you mean. I will be living there tho 50% of my time in a few years. Thing is - shall we renovate it first and then when I come to live there then we sell and buy something for us. I don’t think he even wants the latter judging by what he is saying eg he sees me living in that house. Anyway maybe I leave it for now anyway as will be a few years away yet.

You aren’t moving to his country yet for several years. So I think he takes you complaining about his house as some sort of personal attack. On his taste and on himself by extension.

You are also trying to solve/plan too many future steps in one go, today. You haven’t moved, and who knows what life will be like when you get to the point in the future when move is possible.
In addition - he knows the city where he lives better than you. You have ‘seen’ some area you liked but you don’t really know what it’s like to live there. Or what his life currently is - and whether his neighbourhood is better suited for him now.

Generally - you keep going on about not being the one who picked the place. About not feeling at home. But it does to me sound a bit spoiled. Home is clearly not where the heart is for you.

You sold your U.K. home because it was too small. I have a feeling if it weren’t too small - he would not have insisted on selling.

Anyway, in the short term - I’d just renovate the house as it increases value. And then see how life goes.

All of it, btw, feels a bit strange. How did the two of you end up in a relationship/marriage that is set up with all these unresolved complications?

@MMmomDD yep you are right. I need to chill a bit and stop trying to solve too many things at once. In regards to relationship - it is both of our second marriages and we are prioritising our kids for now until they leave home. That does cause a few complications but is worth it for them.

@Heyelp
Tbh I completely see his point. He's the one living there not you, and also it's his adult kids' family home, even if they don't live there, because he's their dad .

What struck me is that you said you want a house in his country for the "two of you." But what about his kids ,or his parents/other family, they may wish to visit and he may want to be near them. Why be so precious about a house in a country that you don't even know well yourself and up until recently weren't even sure about. A lot of other cultures are more family orientated, so a home is not just for them, but for wider family to feel connected with/freely visit and stay in as they please.

Be aware that British people are very insular compared to many other cultures so make sure before you move there you know what the dynamic is with his family and how they interact/visit/stay because he may not take kindly to you trying to block this or change the dynamic because you want turn it into more of a "just the two of us" scenario.

It makes sense to wait until you're ready to move there half the time, to decide what to do. If it suits him now and he's the one mostly living there then it's fine for now.

@Sakurami yep. I will wait.

@SarahDarah so his house is not his kids family home. Their family home is their mums home. That’s where they spend the majority of their time. And his parents passed away so they are no longer in the equation either. And the home we would buy for us would be in the same city so no location issue for his kids.

But anyway - for now sit tight and don’t get ahead of myself. Thanks all