No intimacy v/s a nice family life

[PostmanPatandhiscat]

I’ve been with my dp about 4 years and I’m struggling to decide If the grass is always greener on the other side .

He works really hard and is trying to move up within his role at work but at the detriment of our relationship. He’s working 60-66 hours a week (I work about 30 hours and take on all the house work etc )
but He sleeps on the sofa most nights , he maybe sleeps in bed once a fortnight ... he says because he gets more sleep on the sofa because my snoring keeps him awake . (In reality he worries about work so much , I even find him up at random times of the night making notes to himself about work so that he can sleep )

There is zero intimacy between us . Nothing . No kisses , no cuddles , sex probably once a fortnight but I feel nothing for him lately so I have stopped enjoying it because I can’t see the point . My sex drive before him was through the roof and now , I’ve been rejected so many times that I don’t even try anymore .

He falls asleep eating his tea most nights because he’s so tired doing so many hours of physically hard work .I don’t even ask him now about coming to bed . I just go to bed yet he moans if I don’t say goodnight and he will give me a peck but that’s the most I get , then he will moan that he’s sorry he’s tired .

I have had so many conversations with him about this . I’ve cried , screamed , I’ve threatened so many times to split up with him , I’ve told him maybe I should get a fk buddy to give me everything he can’t and he just tells me to go ahead . Yet if I’m messaging someone on my phone he’s always acting paranoid about what I’m doing . I’m not messaging anyone , usually just my kids .
He is the least bit controlling person though . I can do whatever I want , he’s so laid back .
A couple of months ago he admitted we needed to spend more time on our relationship and that he didn’t want to lose me so he would try harder but since then nothing at all has changed . Yet if he has a week off work he’s like a different person .

Outside of the intimacy part of our relationship everything is completely fine . I can do what I want when I want . We’ve got a nice life together . We are about to move into a bigger house because I have a bit of a situation with my children , where they don’t live with me . He’s supported me completely with that . He’s built up a nice bond with my Son especially and has been through assessments with me to get him home . He’s completely been my rock throughout the last few years (he doesn’t have children himself and mine are 17 and 14 , he’s 33 btw so he’s taking on a lot of responsibility considering their ages) he’s really tried hard to make us a family , considering the situation . Then this year my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer he’s supported me and my family completely . He was amazing with my Dad and couldn’t help them enough earlier in the year .

So now is the dilemma . I’m 37 , do I really want to live without intimacy forever . It’s not just sex . Lying together , cuddles on the sofa . There’s nothing . I can’t remember the last time we kissed each other without sex being involved . He won’t even sit next to me on the sofa to eat his tea .
This weekend all we’ve done is bicker because we have spent time together and the elephant is in the room .

I just feel like I could be with someone else who I could be having loads of good sex with , I could be crazily in love feelings wise but then not all men would want to take on my situation with my kids.
He’s a hard working guy , trying to make a nice life for us and my kids is what he says .
But I have needs too !!! I feel like it’s only going to be so long til I go looking elsewhere for someone to give me what he’s not ! And that worries me a little because I’ve got a really nice life that is about to change dramatically with my children coming home yet am I being selfish also wanting that life to include sleeping in the same bed as the person who I’m creating this life with ?
I’m actually lonely , I literally feel like I need someone on the side for the sex and intimacy I crave . But am I selfish in needing that or do I support my dp and our family we are building at the detriment of my own feelings ? I feel trapped by the fact my kids have been through so much . He’s stepping up and being the figure in their lives they need but I’m not happy :(
Is intimacy as important in a relationship as everything else ?

He's got his priorities wrong hasn't he ? You need to take some control over the situation and tell him he values his job more than his family and he will lose you over it. I expect you already have done but he probably isn't listening.
Make him hear you. Tell him what will happen if this continues.

The thing is, the lack of intimacy does upset you this much, it’s very unlikely to get better, and it is reasonable to want that in your life. You can’t decide to not find this upsetting anymore. I think there’s the tendency to think ‘well the grass isn’t greener and he is a great in other ways’ but actually this is hugely upsetting you and the other mitigating factors aren’t enough. You’re young, don’t waste these years in a situation that isn’t going to improve. Disclaimer - I’m the sad voice of experience of waiting and getting older in this situation.

Hes sooo work focused because he says he’s got no qualifications and has worked really hard to get where he is but then he acts like he’s going to be the ceo of a massive enterprise. He had his first day of being in charge yesterday of the warehouse and even though we spent the majority of Sunday night arguing , mainly coz the bond between us gone , he text me yesterday morning saying “you could’ve wished me good luck this morning “
It’s like our arguments don’t ever register with him .
I am convinced he’s got adhd so doesn’t have a functioning brain like most people (his family have a lot of learning difficulties ) so sometimes I do try my best to understand that his behaviour is because of his own issues . I know he hasn’t had the easiest upbringing and I think he mostly wants to prove to everyone that he can make something of his life but I keep telling him the way he’s going he’s going to be doing it as a single guy and without me and my kids .
I’ve applied for the house in just my name and I’ve decided I’m moving in on my own , he can keep the flat we are in atm until he can prove how much he wants our relationship to work .

The thing is, he can be a really nice guy and have really good reasons for being the way he is - but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

You say no intimacy v nice family life but it isn't nice at all OP

I think my boundaries are a bit messed up and coz of my past issues with relationships I guess I keep thinking “I could have someone a hell of a lot worse “ I was single for quite a while before this relationship and I’m quite an independent person and because he lets me be independent I sometimes worry incase I meet someone next time who tries to change me .

But I’m fully aware too that just because he’s not a bad guy doesn’t mean I’m happy , I’m far from happy :( I keep thinking but I deserve someone for ME ! Someone to make ME feel loved and wanted not just someone who wants to look after my kids and buy them nice trainers .

Is he working these hours to provide the money for the bigger house or are you able to provide the upgrade with your hours? Or in other words, is he expected to be the primary breadwinner while you work a reduced schedule? If so, that is a lot of pressure on a relationship. Things might be better if you equalized your hours.

Hey listen to yourself OP !
"I'm quite an independent person because he lets me be independent"

You are not independent at all.

He's working all hours to get promotion and more money, to buy a bigger home for your kids.
While you work 30 hours a week. Maybe if you worked full time, he could ease back on the hours now he has his promotion.

Feel like I’m reading about my own life … I’m only 28 and he’s 38 he’s been married before but had no kids now we have two
Kids of our own we sleep in different rooms I tell him it’s because of they new baby and before that I said I couldn’t get comfy because of my pregnant tummy but really it’s because I really don’t want to be sexual with him he doesn’t fulfill my emotional needs at all so I don’t get turned on by him nor do I want to kiss him and be sexual or close we still laugh together we have a stunning house and I don’t have to work because he has a good job not that working bothered me I’d happily go back to work if it meant we got the spark back but that’s not the issue I lay awake thinking I’m only 28 what if I’m
Lucky enough to live till I’m 88 does that mean another 60 years sleeping in different beds not ever been touched again ??!!

Tbh he doesn’t mind as long as I have a job . I did manage to get more hours last year , but I don’t think he minds me working less because then I can’t moan about how little he does at home . He has his jobs which he likes to do , I don’t cook at all , he gets home and does tea every night so it balances up where I do all the household chores . It does work quite well.

He pays for all the bills and the big things and my wages we basically live on throughout the month. Food , electric , petrol , kids stuff . My pay date changes aswell every month so sometimes I will pay certain bills depending when they are due . He usually transfers to me the remainder of his wages after he’s paid everything on payday , because he’s rubbish with money and would fritter it away . Whereas I try to make sure we have money to get through the month . He’s not actually earning a massive amount because it’s just a manual warehouse job and once he’s paid tax , Nat insurance and pension it’s just enough to see us through til I get paid . I don’t even think it’s all about the money , he says it is , but I think he does it for his own self achievement . When he has a week off for example he’s all over the place . He can’t sleep , he’s awake most of the night so I think work keeps his head focused .

I think in his head he’s perfectly happy . He doesn’t really moan about anything . He likes our life as it is , but he doesn’t seem to get that I need intimacy in it !

Whether he minds or not is not relevant. You want him to be at home more. If you earn more money then he would be able to. Rather than moaning at him, you could take some of the responsibility yourself.

He sounds great, working hard to get out of a dead end job he doesn't want to be stuck in all his life. Good for him.

@Mintjulia it’s not actually like that at all . If I worked full time that would mean he would still do all these hours , he does them coz he wants too , he CHOOSES to put the hours in . No one forces him too but himself . He has it in his own head that he’s a failure and he’s always trying to prove to himself he’s not and lately the more people at work are telling him he could be warehouse manager one day , the harder he’s trying to do it .
I work in retail , it’s almost impossible to get a full time job in retail atm , I started off on a 15 hour contract and have managed to double that which I worked hard to get by doing any shifts I could , dropping everything at last minute to cover shifts and by grabbing any hours I could get . Even now if there’s any overtime I never say no , and I’m one of a handful of staff (in a team of 60 ) who are completely fully flexible . If I could get more hours I would .last week I worked my day off to get 5 extra hours . It’s not about me just letting him take on more hours for me and my kids . Companies are cutting hours all over at the minute .

So are you moving soon and will your children live with you in the new bigger house?
There will be even less intimacy then. How will they be about seeing your partner sleep on the sofa every night?

That is another concern is showing my kids how a normal relationship should be , but that’s difficult when he sleeps on the sofa . I think for a while he would want to put a front on and pretend things are fine , but I suspect it will just slip into his old ways .
He admits himself he’s like a naughty child and we do have a bit of a Mother and Son relationship in that he needs treating like a child . He has always been like this . He’s lived with his Sister before and she admits he’s a nightmare to live with because it’s like having a child . So he has always been the way he is . I think the sleeping on the sofa thing is a massive rut he can’t get out of . He has to sleep with the tv on which I hate , otherwise his mind goes mad .
When I’m around his family they don’t do intimacy though at all . He tried to hug his mum the other day to say goodbye to her and she was like “what are you doing , get off and laughed at him “ whereas my family are really close and we say I love you to each other all the time and hugs and are really warm people . I’ve tried and so far I’m failing in bringing this into my relationship with him .

@Micemakingclothes

Is he working these hours to provide the money for the bigger house or are you able to provide the upgrade with your hours? Or in other words, is he expected to be the primary breadwinner while you work a reduced schedule? If so, that is a lot of pressure on a relationship. Things might be better if you equalized your hours.

Yes, exactly. And he's working himself sick in a manual.job to provide for kids who aren't even his!! How many men would do that. Plus the OP has driven him out of their bedroom due to her snoring (if anyone has lived with a snorer they know how hard it can be to live with them).

To be honest, sounds best if they break up. In his shoes I'd be too utterly exhausted (and probably resentful) to do anything either. He should find another woman who won't run him to the ground providing for her family. He would have more energy and headspace for the new relationship.

Have a read of the post over in Divorce, her account of intimacy after years of none with her ex is wonderful. I'm not saying LTB but it's food for thought if attempts at fixing it aren't happening.

@Anordinarymum

Hey listen to yourself OP ! "I'm quite an independent person because he lets me be independent"

You are not independent at all.

Yeah.

It sounds as though he is being used financially. As the saying goes, "He who pays the piper, calls the tune."

Benefiting by his hard work while simultaneously griping about it is not admirable.

Outside of the intimacy part of our relationship everything is completely fine . I can do what I want when I want . We’ve got a nice life together . We are about to move into a bigger house because I have a bit of a situation with my children , where they don’t live with me . He’s supported me completely with that . He’s built up a nice bond with my Son especially and has been through assessments with me to get him home . He’s completely been my rock throughout the last few years (he doesn’t have children himself and mine are 17 and 14 , he’s 33 btw so he’s taking on a lot of responsibility considering their ages) he’s really tried hard to make us a family , considering the situation . Then this year my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer he’s supported me and my family completely . He was amazing with my Dad and couldn’t help them enough earlier in the year .

If you want to quit the relationship that’s your choice of course, but I don’t think you will find many men willing to take on the above.

Intimacy does goes both ways, you could kiss and cuddle and try to him feel wanted as well
Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope your Dad is okay

Its your life.
Its odd he sleeps on the Sofa.

How would things be financially if he left?
I am sure if you do leave you’ll have plenty of sex but finding emotional and practical support - pretty slim.

And few men of your age will want to take on a woman with teenagers and there is probably baggage if they haven't been living with you

I think you need a brutally frank conversation

OP he's a workaholic. Do you come from a background of dependency for example, drugs or drink or even workaholism? He's a neglectful partner who is obsessed with work. You're in exactly the same position if he was doing anything compulsively such as drinking or gambling.

He's indifferent to you and your needs. Anyone would be hurt by a partner who sleeps on the sofa and doesn't want to have sex with them as it's a rejection. He falls asleep at dinner! When do you spend time together or get the opportunity to talk, to connect?

You're spoken to him and nothing has changed so I would decide how to move forward. You could just live with him while lowering your expectations and lead a single life. You could leave. You could try to open up the relationship but you're not looking for sex, you're looking for a partner. You sound lonely. Perhaps get some advice on separation and take it from there.