Would you find it 'acceptable' for your DP to be messaging women on 'kink' boards?

[CoffeeAtMidnight]

I found a strange username/password to what looks like a BDSM board on my iPad's password manager a few hours ago, logged in, and found out that the account clearly belonged to DP. I'm not proud of this but I snooped through his account and, posts aside, found hundreds of PMs mainly from his 2 'subs' who has him listed as their 'master' on their profiles. Almost all of these messages were sexual and quite a few contained explicit pictures too. From what I've read, they have no intention of meeting IRL and he's never even seen one of their faces. I know it's just online so it falls in the realm of fantasy but it still feels like cheating.

No I would not find this acceptable

I can't believe you even have to ask. The answer is definitely not acceptable

No. I’d consider that an affair.

Ah, this sounds like Fetlife.

I would definitely consider it an affair and would act accordingly. Screenshot, as well...

No.

Not even remotely acceptable.

Yes, this is cheating. Your Partner is having sexual experiences with other women.

Of course not.

Mainly from his two subs.
Did you know about his BDSM fetish and him keeping submissives?

No

It's cheating. End of, no further discussion needed. This would be a deal breaker for me.

Uhm just realised my answer might be misinterpreted...

Of course I wouldn’t find it acceptable.

No, it's not acceptable. Yes it's cheating.

Were you unaware of his kinks?

Short answer: No.

Long answer: Helllll no!

It feels like a betrayal because it is one, op. Its cheating, end of.

My ex cheated on me physically and it's stupid but a part of me thinks this is 'less bad' since it's not 'real'. That's not right though is it? Couldn't sleep last night and this shit headache is not helping.

Whether anyone else would find it acceptable or not is irrelevant. It is your life and your Husband.
Do you find it acceptable?

From your last update I'd say you've made this less bad in your head because your ex physically cheated.

It's not less bad. It's equally bad in a different way.

When I found out about my ex husbands online life, I had to defend my position a lot. This really helped:

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/202102/so-you-think-you-weren-t-cheating

" The most important finding of our research was that when it comes to the negative effects of one partner being romantic or sexual outside a supposedly monogamous relationship, tech-based and in-the-flesh behaviors are no different. The lying, the secrets, the emotional distancing, and the pain of learning about the betrayal feel exactly the same to the betrayed partner."

And even if you can square it in your head, you still need to talk to him about the BDSM aspect, if you were to have a healthy and honest intimate relationship going forward.

This is shit for you, it really is. What you're facing is huge so take your time.

Definitely not acceptable, this is cheating.

Horrid. Get rid.

Its a no from me

Wait until you're headache passes and you get a goodnight's sleep. You need time to think and digest how you feel.

You know what I find sad? That you're posting here probably because you don't know what to think, you need support, and you need to check that you're not being unreasonable. You have the right not to be ok with his actions. Why would it be ok that he's having sexual interactions with other women? They might be online, but they're still interactions.

I assume his BDSM life is not a shock to you? Some won't like me saying this, but there's a reason why doms like being doms, particularly males. They enjoy dominating the partners they're mean to love, enjoy inflicting pain as well as pleasure. Anyone who thinks these personality traits don't leak out of the bedroom is naive or foolish. I know that some women won't like hearing it because they like being submissive in bed and have therefore found a suitable partner to cater to that. There are plenty of horrible men who aren't into BDSM, but I'm saying this because too many women bury their heads in the sand because they don't want to acknowledge why their apparently lovely partners enjoy sexually degrading women and don't want to think those traits don't effect their relationship in other ways.

My ex did much the same and his family tried to convince me it was just a fantasy and that he hadn't cheated. I suspect that he didn't actually stick his dick in anyone else - mostly because he couldn't get it up. But as far as I was concerned it was cheating just as much as if he had been screwing other people

Of course not!

If it's not cheating why isn't he being honest and open about it with you?