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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he just being nice or is there more to it?

6 replies

Lorelai101 · 21/06/2021 22:31

My ex's best friend.
They also work together.
I only know him through my ex, who I was with for about 18 months. He's not a 'mutual' friend or anything.
He messaged me a bit after the break up, checking I was ok, but then I blocked his number as I didn't want that link there to my ex. Then he got in touch over social media and we've been chatting a bit. I don't understand why he's talking to me. If my ex knew I'm pretty sure they would no longer be friends. So it seems pretty risky on his part, to be talking to me. I don't know if he just feels sorry for me or what.
He knows a lot about my relationship with my ex. I do try not to get into any of that with him but I do find it a comfort that he knows about certain things. I find it hard to open up to people so friends don't really know a lot of stuff that has gone on with me. But because he already knows, I feel I can be more myself with him.
I feel he maybe goes beyond bring a friend sometimes. (If I could even call us friends). For example, the other night I couldn't sleep. It was about 3am. He was awake too and could see I was online so he messaged me. The next morning, when I got back from the school run, he dropped off coffee and breakfast. It's about a 20 min drive out of his way to get here. He didn't want to stay or anything. Just dropped off the breakfast and coffee, said he thought I might need it as I didn't sleep well. It was incredibly sweet of him and I was really touched, but it seems a bit much. To him it seems like no big deal... so maybe I'm just reading too much into it...?
He's not what I would describe as my 'type' at all. I'm not over my ex. But I find myself drawn to him, thinking about him a lot. Looking forward to his messages. I'm probably just flattered by his attention. Nothing is going to happen between us.
Should I tell him I don't think we should talk anymore? Or am I being dramatic and making a big deal about someone genuinely looking out for me and just being nice.

In my head I can just see this spiralling.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/06/2021 22:35

At a minimum, he's hoping for an easy shag.

bullyingadvice2017 · 21/06/2021 22:45

Talk to him about it?
I married an ex's best mate.... went down like a ton of shit at the time. People get over it tho.

Lorelai101 · 21/06/2021 23:16

You think he might just be after sex? I'm not sure. He doesn't really seem like that, but I don't know him all that well...
I don't want a relationship with him. Or anyone. I think he knows that (hmmm.. maybe he is just after a shag!!)
I don't know how to talk to him about it. I can't ask if he has feelings for me cos I'd sound pretty arrogant. Asking why he's being nice sounds pathetic. Asking what he wants out of this sounds rude....

OP posts:
xsquared · 21/06/2021 23:53

You already blocked his number and then he got in touch with you through social media. That's very persistent of him and not respecting your wish not to be contacted by him.

How do you know he is genuinely looking out for you if he barely knows you? I would be very wary.

Lorelai101 · 22/06/2021 09:30

I don't know he's being genuine. That's what I'm concerned about. I don't understand what his intentions are. But also, I know I have issues and maybe I'm just being overly suspicious of someone who is just trying to be nice.
I do enjoy talking to him. He seems kind and supportive. Its never anything deep or overly personal. I don't want to throw that away for nothing. But equally I don't want to get sucked into some stupid game, if that's what this is and end up hurt. I feel like he's already got so far under my skin in that I look forward to his messages, he's on my mind a lot. I dont want to get to that place where I feel like he's got that power over me. I think I need to put some distance between us and cool things off a bit.
I don't think we can be friends because it's too messy.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 22/06/2021 09:33

What kind of man was your ex? A horrible guy tends to have horrible friends and decent guys tend to have decent friends.

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