When is the end of the road in a relationship?

[Wishingandwishing]

I have been with my husband for 10 years now, married for almost 7 and have a 6 year old.
We were early 20s when we met and I think I settled for his sensibleness and the stability (I had an abusive father and went off the rails into a bit of a wild child before him) we bought a house together very early on and all our money has gone on one thing or another over the years we never have any spare, partly because we both earn relatively low wages, which is unlikely to change dramatically.

The main reason for posting is I think I've come to the end of the road, I am no longer physically attracted to him and I'm not sure I love him anymore either, I feel as I've Grown older and know myself so much more than I did back then I can see how our beliefs (feminism/ethical etc) are different and this grates on me.

He is a kind man and I sometimes which he was the opposite so I would have a reason to leave him. It just feels so wrong to break up our child's stability just because I feel ungrateful /unhappy with my lot in life.

I have told him I'm unhappy, he thinks we can fix it, I'm not sure I even want to now.
If we did split the harsh fact of money being even tighter and not being able to own a shoe box for a house is a major factor in me staying put, I know this is unfair on him though.
Please can anyone give me any words of wisdom, I'm really struggling with the weight of this on my shoulders.
So as not to drip feed we are both on anti depressants, I do believe a lot of my reasons for being on them are from my general unhappiness.

Please give my head a wobble and tell me the grass isn't greener and I will overcome this feeling.

I’ve been there, I’m not 100% sure I am out of the woods, but I decided to stay in the end. I doubt my decision a lot of the time. No answers here, just sympathy.

Thank you for your reply sorry to hear you have been through the same thing. It sucks doesn't it.
Can I ask did you tell him how you felt and if so did anything change?

Having been through a traumatic divorce I'd really say to anyone wondering if they were unhappy enough to leave to do everything in their power to check it can't be saved. At least then you're minimising any regrets you have and guilt for splitting up the family.

I'd recommend counselling if both willing but I'd also focus on yourself.
Too often we wait for others to make us happy but actually what can you do for yourself to improve yours?
It could be be hobbies, different job, seeing more or less of friends. I think once you become more satisfied with other areas of your life you will see your relationship status more clearly in that it either improves or you'll know you need to end things.

Please don't use him for money and a bigger house. He deserves to be loved.

I was in your marriage. I left. My exh was kind in many ways but I just wasn't happy with what our life was. It made me miserable and depressed. He didn't want it to change, I did, desperately and eventually I decided to leave so I could live the life I knew I wanted. This was after years of trying to make myself happy with what I had, always hoping he would come round to my way of thinking and try out new things, there were many promises that never came to be and eventually I reached breaking point and left. It wasn't about grass being greener, although I spent a long time afterward I left worrying if it was, it was about me needing more from my life, and that not being compatible with what he wanted from life and at the end of the day life is too short for that.
However, we didn't have children which made it much easier and our separation was very amicable, with us still being on decent terms with each other.
What would you do if you left that would be different/make you happier?

You don't need a "reason" to leave him. No blame should attach to either of you. It's just one of those things. Can you live with him for the next 50 years, if you're already depressed? I just told my Exdp that I wasn't happy and had to go. Not his fault. We're still friends.

Stay. Like that is my complete gut reaction from reading. If he is a nice man he is much better than many out there. Secondly, if you are feeling down it is so easy to blame on the relationship (done this and got burnt big time). Thirdly, antidepressants and unhappiness will be killing your sex drive. Fourthly he we wants to work on it which means a lot.

Right now look at improving things together. Try to build in an activity for you alone each week- a fitness class, walk with a friend, book club. Whatever. Secondly, start going on dates again - whether dinner, a drink, or a picnic, or just something free together. Whether once a month or week. Also, make sure each month you have something fun with your son as a family - even if free trip to the park. But seeing them laughing together will help. Finally, talk and communicate. Will you both be more attracted if you did some more exercise? Could you do this as a couple project? Do you need more help round the house? What are you not happy about and what can you do about it? Could you look for a new job? Could you both apply for a course or some training or take it in turns to qualify in something new?

Finally, your child’s happiness might be everything here. Even if you can’t fix your marriage. If your husband is kind and you could live happily as friends if need be, do it. Divorce messes kids up. Quite simply. And if he is kind, it probably won’t make your life better either.

On a final note - the grass is not greener, if he’s kind you’ve got a good ones and from experience antidepressants will be making this worse and you could look back in a few years and think”I can’t believe I considered that”.

Good luck but if you work together I’m sure you’ll find a route through. Take care ❤️

you have one life, and you will be dead forever when it happens.

if your husband knows how unhappy you are and is doing sod all to work with you, what on earth will change?

people advising you to get hobbies and interests are suggesting you effectively build a separate life outside the marriage while still in it.

if you have daughters, what lessons are they learning from burying yourself alive for everyone else’s sake? what are your sons learning?

only you know if this can get better. it cannot change in any way by ignoring it or hoping things will work themselves out.

things do not work themselves out. people work things out.
if you do decide,after all that you want to leave the marriage, that is fine. people don’t make that choice lightly. you do not need an airtight case with irrefutable proofs - wanting to leave is enough. wanti g to live an authentic life is enough.

what lessons are they learning

That long-term relationships with kids should be treated a bit more seriously than a disposable novelty, where you can go “bored now” and just leave without even having to reflect upon the reason/cause?

what are your sons learning?

That maybe it’ll be okay, actually, got them to dump their hard working future wives for a girl half their age because otherwise they’d be “burying themselves”?

Not saying anyone should be a martyr. But other PPs have raised valid points that suggest there could be other forces at play and those are worth investigating.

I wonder if the unhappiness caused by your abusive childhood is effecting how you view your relationship...your post had stuck a cord with me because my ex was in a similar position to you OP and basically decided he wasn’t happy and thought the grass was greener elsewhere. The way he behaved ultimately caused irreparable damage to our relationship...I think you need to get to the bottom of why you’re not happy before you make any hasty decisions.

If your husband thinks he can fix it ask him how and perhaps ask yourself if you could try to fix it as well.
It sounds a bit hopeless but it's surely worth a bit of effort before you finally decide to split ?

Thank you for the replies, they've been great to give a different perspective.
I have had a discussion with him since yesterday and told him exactly how I feel and that his constant negativity for everything is really getting me down.
I feel like his mother having to remind him constantly to do things (contact his family, book Dr's appointments for himself, even brush his teeth lately etc etc) and it's worn me down over a long period of time.
He's told me he's suicidal although would never do anything.
I have told him we need to change dramatically as I'm sure I'm no Saint in this marriage either, but that I can't say that I can definitely get things back, but we need to give it six months to see where things go.
I feel a bit better for getting it out there to him just how down its made me and I've changed as a person I don't even like myself much anymore.
I also feel major guilt that I've broken his world, but it was always going to fall to me as the stronger one of the two of us.

Personally, I believe that in the absence of abuse/infidelity, marriage vows should be honoured and you should work on it. Love can be rebuilt and most problems can be resolved through open communication if both partners are willing to do so. However, I know this is an unpopular opinion on Mumsnet and indeed the wider world, but I don't feel the pursuit of 'happiness' is particularly helpful as it's so subjective and no-one can, in any case, be happy all the time.

I stayed until the kids had left, and had lives of their own. Rightly or wrongly, , I wanted them bought it in the stability of a family. I did develop my own hobbies and friends, along with a challenging job. The years soon pass, and it wasn’t all bad anyway.

Germaine Greer once said that when men find themselves in a hole, they get out. When women find themselves in a hole, they grow flowers in it.

Be careful of trying to squeeze yourself into a hole for the benefit of everyone else. You may drive yourself and everyone else crazy.
It’s easier said than done tho. Good luck x

What is it you want op? Can the things be found with your dh?

If it's financial then that's not his fault, can you go back to collage and qualify for something you're interested in that you can earn money with. Start to try and climb the ladder.

If you're leaving because your dh is lazy or Unhygienic then discuss this with him

Is it that you've no hobbies etc?

You can't change him, but giving him the opportunity to do something about it is only fair/ him saying he's now suicidal is emotional blackmail tho

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher

what lessons are they learning

That long-term relationships with kids should be treated a bit more seriously than a disposable novelty, where you can go “bored now” and just leave without even having to reflect upon the reason/cause?

what are your sons learning?

That maybe it’ll be okay, actually, got them to dump their hard working future wives for a girl half their age because otherwise they’d be “burying themselves”?

Not saying anyone should be a martyr. But other PPs have raised valid points that suggest there could be other forces at play and those are worth investigating.

Agree with this 100%

As others have said, sounds like the classic case of someone blaming their spouse for their own unhappiness. It's completely unrealistic and impossible for one person to fulfill you over the course of your lifetime and is a very unfair pressure to put on somebody. That's not the purpose of marriage.

Genuinely kind men are like gold dust, especially from middle age onwards. Easy for OP to take him for granted since she was fortunate enough to marry him. OP if you break up with him, very high likelihood he will be snapped up by another woman, who will also be step-mum to your son who he will spend time living with and being shaped by. How do you feel.about that?

Its not always as easy as developing more of a life for yourself whilst in a relationship— it really depends on the partner— some people are very much into you ‘being around’ an awful lot for company or not that keen on being seen as the constant childcare or make it a ‘big deal’ if you have spells doing something ‘just for you’ — it really shouldn’t be this way — and it’s not that healthy -but it very often is exactly like this in my experience and applies to both sexes

@TossaCoinToYerWitcher

You raise some valid points - personally I believe marriage vows are not just about committing to one another, but also firming up your commitment to make it work. This means digging deep sometimes; and yes, doing some hard, honest self-work to ascertain if the problems or difficulties lie elsewhere, outside the confines of the relationship. In all cases where children are involved this commitment becomes so important.

Despite this, I’m often on the fence when it comes to posts about whether someone should stay in a marriage or not; my parents had an unhappy marriage & fought all the time. I remember the sounds of raised voices, feelings of real hostility between them & horrible, scary arguments. They stayed together, but even as a little child I acutely remember thinking “why don’t they split up?”

With the clear eyes of a child I saw two desperately sad, frustrated people who were trapped together. It did disturb me, & in similar scenarios I do wonder whether it’s best to raise children in a similar environment. But the OP’s situation doesn’t sound anything like this; so I would suggest a proportionate response is needed, looking honestly at what you feel & whether you can work things out x

Dear OP, I am sorry to hear that this is how you feel. I wish that there was a magic wand we can wave to make things better but there is not. Of course, when it comes to marriage, especially if there are children involved we should always do our best to make things better before we start thinking of divorce. Having said that, I strongly believe that we all know ourselves the best and once we start thinking of divorce this should be your cue that the time has come. Also, I do not think anyone should stay married if they are unhappy in the marriage, for whatever reasons. Some of us live in abusive relationships and some simply grew apart, either way it is hard to stay in a relationship that does not give you joy, that does not fulfill your needs, and no, love does not come back. Once it is gone, it is gone forever.

It seems to me that your husband is not an abusive person so you should be able to talk to him about this. I suggest be honest about how you feel and see if you can together come up with the plan as to how to end this marriage as painlessly as possible. If you can afford it I would suggest you get some counselling (not couples but individual), as this will definitely help you come to terms with how you feel and what you want from life. It helped me for sure.
Wishing you all the best.

Hi OP, from what you've described of your DH, he seems like quite hard work. Just because he isn't cheating or beating you, doesn't mean he's making your life easy or happy. Being constantly negative, expecting you to do all the emotional labour, not being fulfilled with life himself - these are all quite heavy burdens to place both on your, and also your children.

If he's willing to work at things, do you think it would require him to have a personality change i.e has he always been this way? Or is it just life has caused some of these problems, and they can be resolved by him? Because I believe that we feed off the energy of those closest to us, and it cannot be good for your children to have two unhappy/depressed parents - do you think you would feel more at peace, happier without him in your life?

Definitely try to work things through, but it feels like you both need some quite drastic changes? Is there any way either of you could change jobs, or move somewhere with more opportunities? Could you both take on a hobby together?

Thank you everyone for the great advise, its definitely helpful for me.

@todaysdilemma this is his personality although he has got much worse over the years, he's an introvert and I am an extravert, it feels sometimes like he pulls me into his shell rather than me pulling him out of his, which then leads me to feel like I've lost a chunk of my personality.
I'm a different person at work when I feel more like myself and he just never sees that side of me. It's like I take on the role of mum when I'm home doing things for everyone and it's drained the life out of me.
I sometimes feel like I've got a split personality.
Not trying to blame this on him, just an explanation of how it seems to me

I've sat him down, explaining my huge bug bares about the constant negativity (Road rage type outbusts in the car that literally solve nothing/personal hygiene etc)
I feel like asking him to change those things isn't too much to ask when people say you shouldn't change someone else.

I've had a really productive day in the house today, I'm hopeful that he's listening to what I've told him and will try and work on things.
I am sure there's things about me that I need to change so in the interests of fairness I've asked him to write them down if it's easier. (think this will get forgotten to be honest) should I remind him?

I sometimes think he doesn't really have a lot going on in his head, ie. Other than sports nothing really interests him. I'm the complete opposite and always thinking /striving to better myself. He's been in the same job he hates for years because he is uncomfortable with change. I move on if I'm not in the right place. I've tried helping him look for jobs he just never follows through with it.

Thanks all for listening to me, I feel like it's helping get it off my mind

This is such a hard question and I often feel in the same place as you do. I have been with dh for 15 years, married 8. We have a 7 year old and an almost 2 year old.

At the moment, I just don’t really feel the love. I’m not really attracted to him and we just spend our lives annoying each other. I think we are more like friends these days and that’s on me I think as he’d have sex in a second.

Anyway, I find it difficult to separate the rest of my life from our relationship in that this past year has been hard so who knows if our relationship is the cause of my unhappiness or just a symptom of it.

I’m trying to make lots of other changes that I am in charge of and don’t have to destroy him in the hope that this will make things better as the marriage ending would be a last resort.
I’ve recently lost 3 1/2 stone (baby weight plus lockdown weight), I’ve changed my job and I’m trying to find ways to be with friends more. I want to go out dancing and giggling with my friends to feel free from the “mum” life I lead at the moment.
Since I had my 2nd child I’ve become solely a mum, I’ve lost myself and my identity and I need to get that back. Be allowed some time away from being a mum, to be carefree and me, without the responsibility.
Dh doesn’t do socialising, he’s a nerdy gamer but he’s happy with that. He’d happily not speak to other humans again, but I’m quite a social butterfly once I get over my complete fear of inadequacy and the idea that I’m not good enough for anyone.

I’d definitely like dh to lose weight, but I’m not sure if that’s something you can really ask someone to do, even though I might find him more attractive if he did.

I think my dh is similar in that he will sit in a job he hates until he’s forced out, whereas I drive the change.
I’ve told him we have issues with communication as I just don’t know what he feels/thinks about anything. I don’t think that he can think our relationship is ok at the moment, but he’d either say it was or just that things will get better. There’s no drive from him to talk and make things better.

I really hope that you are able to find a way to being happy. I don’t think anyone can have the answer except you, but I’d suggest trying to find things that make you happy (hobbies/friends etc) as you might just need space away from the relationship so the energy returns. And if that doesn’t help, then you’ve set yourself up for being able to be happy by yourself.

@Mardybum249 thank you for your reply, this is exactly my situation!
I hope you are OK, you sound very much like me.
I will definitely look to get my sparkle back by going out and socialising, getting a bit of a life for myself and see if it helps.

@wishingandwishing it's the only thing that you can control until you decide if you think separating is the right move.

I look around and feel I am unhappy and the right thing to do is move on, but then I think to myself that I grew up dreaming of the fairytale, that epic love story that I'm not sure exists.

Potentially my relationship is the same as others, it's just I don't see it and dream of that epic tale of love. Relationships take work, they can get boring, it's the same person forever, why would I think it was always going to be that honeymoon period.

With kids involved too, it's not worth destroying unless I am sure, and quite clearly I'm not.
My dh is one of the good guys, I think. He doesn't go out drinking, he loves his kids, he's not abusive, he tells me he loves me etc.
But we've had and still have issues.
Communication isn't his strong point, and in our 2nd year and then in our 9th year there were indiscretions on his part that I think have stayed with me and maybe always will.
I have mental health issues (confidence and anxiety based due to being made to feel unwanted and inadequate by my peers in those important years as a child)
He's had mental health issues.
We stuck by each other, supported each other, so he's generally I'd say he's a good person.
I just don't feel that spark anymore, so am focusing on myself, my confidence, my spark for myself.