Feel sick with worry

[HopefulWanderer]

name change for this as I'm a regular poster

My DH has always struggled with depression. It's something I thought I'd made my peace with years ago. He handles it best he can and is good at talking to me about it when he's having a bad day. I support him through everything.

We have two DC. Occasionally I struggle with the stress of handling DC plus being aware of his moods when he's bad. Todsy has been awful. Eldest DC couldn't go to nursery due to ear infection, youngest has the preceding cold too (I'm on mat leave), I feel rotten and he's been in a grump all day. I feel like I've been walking on eggshells and every conversation we've had he's snapped at me been rude to the eldest DC etc.

I basically just snapped and said that if he didn't get better at managing his behaviour around DC on bad days I would eventually be forced to leave as I have to protect them from how it feels to be on the wrong end of his misery. He's never aggressive just miserable and everything he says is a criticism on those days.

I love him so much and never intended to cause him pain but honestly he does need to recognise that while I support him he's got to behave neutrally around the children however horrific he's feeling inside. And frankly I wish he'd try a bit harder for me too as it affects my happiness.

I should say on good days/weeks he's an amazing dad. I just wish I could have that husband all the time.

I feel awful that I've been so abrupt and worried it might make him feel over the edge... ( a family member of mine took their own life so that's often in the back of my mine)

How is he handling it?
Has he seen a GP and sought help?

Maybe it's something he needs to hear. You do need to put your dc's well-being first - it's not OK for him to behave that way to them.

And it's that thing of you having to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help others - this is dragging you down too.

What help is he getting with his depression? Maybe he needs a review of his medication.

It sounds like there is no respite for you and you can’t take time out if you are tired, fed up etc. DH’s depression trumps everything else, it seems, and I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to point that out. I hope you can both work together to manage his depression and how that impacts you and I wonder, has he a formal diagnosis, does he need a medical review?

As to the issue of him taking his own life, you are not, and cannot be, responsible for the choices he makes. If he has suicidal thoughts and feels like acting on them sometimes, Thera a thing he needs to tell his doctor/health professional. And if you don’t know whether he dies ir not, ask him. You won’t give him the thoughts if he isn’t having them, and may help him get support if he is.

Depression doesn't mean you have to treat others badly, I suffer with depression and never felt the need to take it out on my husband or my children.

No human being's moods should trump anothers. In my mind his depression could be a mask to cover his abuse. Inflicting his moods from his stress should be addressed and he should make an appointment with his GP.

Your priority as a mother is to protect your children from his behaviour, they are more important than him, they have no voice compared to a grown adult who can make different choices in how he chooses to deal with his depression.

I hope he can get some help, but definitly, you are right to question how you should as a family be going forward.
Make your children's envoiroment easier and happier.

You had every right to say that. His depression doesn’t give him the right to be rude or unkind.

You probably need to say these things more, not less.

Depression is not an excuse to abuse people.

The stress of walking on eggshells like you describe - which will be the case for the children too - damages the developing central nervous system in children.

You absolutely should be looking seriously at leaving him to protect them. As it stands, they can never feel secure or relax because they never know when they're going to get snappy/critical/mean dad instead of decent-human-being dad. That is hugely damaging to children.

Thank you everyone - you are all right, I do need to say it more.

He's in therapy and has been on and off for years. I'm very aware that his depression is the legacy of bad parenting and he too is aware of that and keen not to repeat it.

DC are too young to notice any of this yet but I fully agree they will and I absolutely meant what I said about leaving. He's usually very good at not showing any of it in front of the DC - funnily enough we've had previous arguments about the fact that he's been good at being positive around DC even on the worst days and yet can't do the same specifically for me, his wife.

Anyway, he went for a walk this evening and came back and apologised. And i apologised for shouting instead of sitting him down and having that conversation calmly.

But I do mean what I say about leaving to protect the DC if this behaviour becomes the norm and he did seem to listen and recognise that I'm right.

I really hate that his bad days have no obvious cause or trigger (that I can see at least) so I find it hard to understand why one day is so good and another so bad, often in the same week. But I guess that's not how mental health works.

He's never been suicidal, and I don't think he'd ever do that. It's just obviously it did happen unexpectedly in my family and so it's often there in the back of my mind.

For those saying abuse, it's not - he has no control over me in any form (I call him out on stuff all the time, my walking on eggshells stuff was just today really as I didn't want to be dealing with that as I felt too ill and my attention was all on poorly DC) and he is clearly in genuine pain on bad days.

It's true though that his mental health seems to take priority above all else for him, so if he's having a bad day I definitely get a load more of the family/house/DC routine dumped on me and I do feel resentful about that.

He's not on any medication at the moment and has not found it helpful in the past (he got a lot of side effects).

I will suggest that maybe it's time to review that and try a different one again.

When he has a bad day he needs to deal with it by telling you so you can minimise the effect he has upon you. Does he have strategies to use when things are bad ?

it kind of is abuse when you are made to feel bad all of the time. He should see his GP and try different medication

He does do that @Anordinarymum and normally our strategies work quite well. Just Today I guess it went wrong as three people in the house were ill too. I feel like maybe I'm putting more into keeping the bad days going than I realised as today I just couldn't and it was terrible as a result. And I just snapped in response to the extra emotional load I guess

Can I ask you if he is like this with other people as well ?

Yes he is - he struggles to contain it at work and has had work issues over it before

Thing is, if his depression is the result of his childhood, he is revisiting that on his own children. Your entire household revolves around what his mood is. That's pretty powerful.

If he's been having therapy for years but not making progress, maybe he needs to try a different form? Maybe if it's linked to trauma, EMDR, if he hasn't tried it.

I'll look into that thanks.

My view is that it's mainly now exacerbated by his sleep issues - snoring and apnea - which GP isn't interested in as he's had past surgery (before we met). I know sleep deprivation really affects my mood personally and I don't suffer with depression.

He is planning to go private to discuss that but we can't afford it at the moment