Struggling with my mum

[rosieg90]

Hi all, for many years I’ve felt like there’s something stopping me being vulnerable and loving with my mum. And I don’t know what it is.

We are very different people - she’s overly sensitive and needy. She constantly needs reassurance and praise for doing things. She desperately wants us to be “best friends” and says I’m not how daughters should be with their mum. She wants those adoring social media posts etc but it’s just not me.

I live away from home with my family and especially since having my little boy, she feels very sorry for herself not being close by. We see each other about 10 times a year for entire weekends and sometimes holiday together but when she’s not with us she gets jealous when I spend time with others - especially the in laws. This has really heightened since having my son.

I understand it must be hard for her but I have my own life and I find it hard that she gets jealous and down about the fact she isn’t around all the time. I feel she relies on me for a social life and her happiness even though she lives with my dad.

It’s got to the point now that I’m struggling to deal with this. Can anyone shed some light on my situation or give me some advice.

You must feel over whelmed and suffocated. Your mum is being mentally manipulative making you feel guilty - you are a grown up with a family of your own. It is selfish of her especially when she has a husband - are they happily married / do things together?

It varies so much from person to person and area to area doesn't it.

I have quite a hands-off mum and would love a closer relationship. Where I now live people would think it unusual to only see your mum once a month as people here often live close to family. I'm the other way as I sometimes feel I'm the only one that doesn't have a mum who asks after the child/does the odd school run or has my children over for tea! Lots of people here have mums that are very involved in their lives. Conversely when I lived in London most people had moved away from home and it was less common!

They might not be being emotionally manipulative but rather whistful that they are not able to do more. It's hard to know from one post. I would be sad at not being able to be around a lot for my grandkids as I'd hope to be able to be there for my daughters/grandkids.

All relationships are different. You don't need to be any more involved than you want to be though!

Thank you for replying.

I want her in my life. She is a good person but I need her to change and appreciate how she makes me feel. She feels very sorry for herself. I try to explain and she apologies and says she needs to change but I know it will happen over and over again.

I need her to understand that even if I lived back in my home town I wouldn't see her every single day. But she thinks we would. But I like my own space so I couldn't have that.

I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that When she's not visiting us she doesn't have much of a social life and deep down I know she isn't 100% happy with my dad.

Her happiness is basically on my shoulders as she tells me that she's only truly happy when she's spending time with us.

@starsigns28

You must feel over whelmed and suffocated. Your mum is being mentally manipulative making you feel guilty - you are a grown up with a family of your own. It is selfish of her especially when she has a husband - are they happily married / do things together?

Thank you for replying.

I want her in my life. She is a good person but I need her to change and appreciate how she makes me feel. She feels very sorry for herself. I try to explain and she apologies and says she needs to change but I know it will happen over and over again.

I need her to understand that even if I lived back in my home town I wouldn't see her every single day. But she thinks we would. But I like my own space so I couldn't have that.

I think a lot of it boils down to the fact that When she's not visiting us she doesn't have much of a social life and deep down I know she isn't 100% happy with my dad.

Her happiness is basically on my shoulders as she tells me that she's only truly happy when she's spending time with us.

Thank you for replying.

Yes there’s a definite guilt there in that she would like to do more. And I appreciate I’m lucky to have her in my life. It’s just difficult because I feel like I’m treading on eggshells with her most of the time. Her happiness is on my shoulders.

"She is a good person but I need her to change and appreciate how she makes me feel".

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not and your mother here is no different. If this was from a friend too, you would have moved on. I would suggest you look again at your boundaries here with regards to your mother and for that matter your dad too because they are too low. You do not mention much re him; what is he like towards you?.

She is not the good person you think she is and is making you responsible for her own happiness. You need to fully accept that she will not change nor will appreciate ever how you fell. On some level too doing this to you works for her.

"She feels very sorry for herself. I try to explain and she apologies and says she needs to change but I know it will happen over and over again"

You need to get off that merry go around before it causes you further emotional pain. She is getting some sort of emotional fix from you and you need to withdraw. I doubt very much she actually wants her life to improve or any form of solution; behaving like this towards you works for her.

You also need to start putting your own self first and realise that she is the parent and you are the child; its not the other way around here. You are in no way responsible for her happiness and never have been either. You should not be expected to take care of her or feel at all guilty for having a life of your own.

Treading on eggshells is to my mind anyway code for living in fear.

Drop the rope she holds out to you and stop picking it up. She will do this to you for as long as you at all allow it.

@rosieg90

Thank you for replying.

Yes there’s a definite guilt there in that she would like to do more. And I appreciate I’m lucky to have her in my life. It’s just difficult because I feel like I’m treading on eggshells with her most of the time. Her happiness is on my shoulders.

This is why you are not able to be loving and vulnerable with your mum - I feel like I’m treading on eggshells most of the time.

I have a similar dynamic with my own mum. I cannot be vulnerable with her either. She overreacts and, like your mum, is the one who ends up needs reassuring. I know I will never get reassurance from her, or a calm response when something in my life goes to shit, so I would never allow myself to be vulnerable around her. Been there, done that.

I live close by, but don’t see her every day. She has a good relationship with my children. They see her maybe once a week. I do, to an extent, tolerate her for the sake of my children.

It’s sad though, I would have loved a mum who I could have had a close relationship with. But that’s the way it is for me, I can’t force something that’s not there. I’ve made my peace with it.

If my mum were jealous though, or needy, that would be the icing on the cake for me. I couldn’t deal with that at all. Life is exhausting enough without being made responsible for the feelings of another adult.

Vivi0

re your comment:-
"I do, to an extent, tolerate her for the sake of my children".

Why is that?. Your own fear, obligation and guilt?. Children need emotionally healthy grandparents and your mother could well start doing similar to them as she has done to you. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up so is she really a good grandparent figure to them now?.

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far.

A lot of it rings true and it’s got to the point where it needs to be permanently addressed. The issue is with her not me, even though she often questions why I am the way I am with her.

For those asking, My dad is a good and very tolerant man but he has put my mum through stress over the years for reasons I won’t go into (no cheating or anything). But I know she can’t be easy to live with either.

I want to repair this for good. I want her in my life but she needs to change. She has issues from her own childhood too which she needs to address going forward because I think that has a lot to do with the way she is.

I'm really curious, why is her happiness your responsibility? You can't make anyone happy, you can empathize but it is something they must do for themselves.

You say she needs to change but does she want to? If yes, then I'd help her find a counselor but if she doesn't...you can't make anyone change. All you can change your behaviour and thoughts.

My mum does some of these things like the jealousy of in laws etc but it's her thing not mine. She's just expressing she wishes she could see her gc often like my in laws do...in a really annoying and unhealthy way!

I want to repair this for good. I want her in my life but she needs to change.

Although this is an admirable sentiment what you want and what you
are getting here are two very different things. You cannot heal her pain.

There are legitimate ways that we can support our mothers that do not deplete us emotionally. And then there are other ways that our mothers may ask for support that are not appropriate, that may violate our boundaries, and keep us stuck in a cycle of guilt, exhaustion, and self-doubt. We may comply with inappropriate demands or behaviours out of love and compassion, but it is not sustainable if our basic well-being is increasingly diminished.

"She has issues from her own childhood too which she needs to address going forward because I think that has a lot to do with the way she is".

Indeed but the only person who can address that is her own self and she does not want to do so. She has not done this to date either.

While a mother’s pain—derived from a lack of personhood and respect in society—is real and valid, you are not responsible for healing or soothing it. You can’t save your mother from this pain because you didn’t cause it nor are you the resolution. Using you in such a manner is unacceptable and puts an intolerable pressure on you. Again you would not have tolerated this from a friend.

Maybe she needs to undertake some sort of counseling or therapy to help her deal with any unresolved issues from the past. It might be worthwhile you suggesting this although I can see it would be difficult.

We cant change how others feel. But you can make clear your own boundaries and what you are happy with discussing/not discussing etc.

I haven't the best relationship with my own mother (she has mental health issues) and I'm finding some of these repsonses really helpful!

I know its helped me to accept the mother I have rather than the one I wanted or would like. It is really tricky.

My relationship with my DM is tricky, so I do empathise. Thankfully, she is busy with her own projects, so she isn’t asking to be around all the time. But she will sometimes say something about how she’s never going out anywhere and would like to see her DGDs.

Our relationship is complicated by the fact that she didn’t keep my DSis and me safe as children, and we were sexually abused by our F and others.

I accept that she didn’t know about it, and she was genuinely distraught when we told her, but it’s still a cause of resentment for me. She bursts into tears if I bring it up and says that she doesn’t want me to ruin her time with her DGDs.

She’s very good at turning on the ‘waterworks’, so I get what you mean about feeling manipulated. It’s strange, too, as she wasn’t like this when we were growing up; she was emotionally distant and we never developed a close bond as a result.

I’m sorry to say this, but your DM isn’t likely to change, people generally don’t. I’ve stopped hoping that mine will change, she’s 81 now so that’s even more the case with her.