Advice needed about living arrangements

[Ceebeegee]

I've been with DP for over two years now and we have talked about future living arrangements, which we disagree on. I'm struggling to think clearly and reach a compromise. My DP thinks my reluctance to move in together is a sign that I am not committed to the relationship, but I think he isn't really considering what a big step it is to move in together/buy a house together.

DP lives with his two adult children (both mid-twenties). No sign of them moving out any time soon, one is going back to Uni next year and staying at home, the other has no job or prospects so is a long way off from moving out. Which is fine, it's a happy home for the three of them.
I live with my son, who is 9 (an only child).

DP wants us to live together in the next year or two.
I don't want to, because of the disruption/upheaval to my son. But more importantly....I don't want my son to be living with practically strangers. He has met DP, and we quite regularly spend time together now (he didnt meet him until 5 months into our relationship). However, my son has met my DP's children only three or four times in two years. So living with them is absolutley out of the question isn't it? Or am I being unreasonable? I just can't bear the thought of my sons home being uprooted and finding himself living with two adults who has only met a handful of times. Plus, I can't imagine two twenty-somethings will be thrilled with the idea of sharing their home with a 9 year old kid.

Am i being unreasonable in insisting that moving in together is off the cards until my son is much older, and if DP feels strongly enough to end the relationship because of my non commitment, so be it ? There's the door.

You are being completely reasonable. I admire you prioritising your DS to the extent that his wellbeing is being put above your relationship with DP. 💐

You are being completely reasonable to say you want to prioritise your son.

You are, however, being a bit unreasonable in deciding that your DP's children are "two adult strangers". The point is that if you move in, in effect, they will be your step children and step siblings to your son. ie they'd be family. The key is whether or not you can all get to the point where you see each other as family.

Surely the answer here is to spend time together, get a sense of how it would work and decide. Eg, if the adult children regularly have parties etc, it may well be that you don't want to bring DS there as it just makes things more complicated.

I totally agree with you OP that this would not work to your benefit and I think it's great you are putting your son first, rightly so. I definitely wouldn't do it.

What I am interested in is as to why it appeals to your partner, for the same reasons it doesn't appeal to you, why does he think his children would be ok with this?

@Ceebeegee I think firstly, I think it's great you are putting your son first. I think 9 is still very young and they still ned their mum emotionally and yes, I do think making him live with three adults (two of which are practically strangers) is a huge upheaval for him. And honestly, I think if you feel inside that this is not the right move for you both, then stick to it!

My DCs are 13 and 11 and though they seem very grown up, they are still children really. I am dating a man with no DC and we have been dating a year. I can't see him moving in with us or us four all moving in together. They have met and spent some time together but I do try and keep our lives separate for now. I really enjoy doing adult date stuff with him. And because my DCs are older and their Dad is in the picture, I have plenty of time to spend with my boyfriend. I never understood this whole rush to blend families! It's really nice to keep dating and keep things fresh.

I can definitely see us getting a little place together when the DCs are independent (and I will put in some financial ringfence around their inheritance!). He chose not to have children so why should I subject mine to his full-time? There's no need. My boyfriend knows what the score is. Ideally he would like us to live together in the near future but I can't see it. I might change my mind but I might not. At the moment, things work. Keep to your boundaries! And trust your instinct.

Good luck!

Totally right about this. Glad the idea is to buy together rather than just you moving in, as that would potentially leave you financially vulnerable.
I'd say, if he's serious about the future, then he should be making steps to encourage his adult DC to fly the nest. You are being very understanding, my son is 17, but if by mid 20's he's no job and stuck at home with no end in sight, I'd be highly disappointed and be doing my utmost as a parent to rectify that.
Say you'll move in when his DC have moved out, it will do them all some good to have a shove in the right direction by the looks of it. If DP would rather end things than support his DC's to be independent rather than making it too cosy at home, you have your answer and you are better off out of it.

I think you're being reasonable and a good mum too. I have been married 4 years and still do not live with my DH, because I've always put my DD first and her continuity in living arrangements. Rightly or wrongly that's the way it is.

I think it does show a priority of commitment which is not in the favour of your relationship and your DP is correctly sensing that, but, so what? Your son is still young, his are grown up.

YANBU putting your son first is the right thing to do.

Thank you for your replies. It's reassuring to know I'm not being unreasonable. I'm sure you know what it's like, when you over think you sometimes can't see the forest for the trees.

@2me2u2u2me I have asked him why is so keen, he says he wants us to a family unit, we can spend more time together, save money by combining two households etc...

@TwoBoysTooMany76 great post, I can relate to it.

@Opentooffers honestly I can't see his kids flying the nest any time soon. His daughter is going back to Uni for a new degree but is staying home based indefinitly. His son isn't working (and doesn't seem to have any intention of doing so), and his dad doesn't seem too bothered. He's very soft on them. (I agree with you, I have a strong work ethic and would be kicking my son up the proverbial if he didn't have any job or training/further education ). But I like your idea of saying I will move in once his children have flown the nest. That buys me at least 10 years lol !

I'm with everyone else - yanbu to prioritise your son.

I do too. This wouldn’t benefit any of the children, or you.

If he’s that bothered it’s a natural end. Sad but these things happen. Hopefully he’ll respect your view and you can carry on dating without cohabiting.

This is a hill to die on. You’re completely right.

I totally get where you're coming from. We're getting married next year but are keeping our separate houses as neither of us want to uproot our respective children from their schools and friends, and we can't afford to buy a house that would house us all (9 of us). The aim is to sell up and buy something together when they've flown the nest (several years time). But for now 'living apart together' as I think its called 🤓

Yanbu at all

It’s almost like going and living in a house share with him, rather than a safe familiar home with his Mum!

I've only met his son about 5 or 6 times myself, and I wouldn't want to move in just me if I didn't have my son .

It's just going to be a difficult conversation but one that needs to be had. I dont want it sound like I'm making him chose between me and his kids (although isn't that what I'm asking ?) , especially when I'm not compromising and I'm chosing my son over him .

Also.....his son has been banned from driving (he was caught DUI) . So the more I think about it , the more certain I am that my son isn't living in that environment.

Mumsnet is wonderful for getting things off your chest , thanks everyone

@Ceebeegee His son does not sound like a good role model for your son. You really do not want yourself or your son walking on eggshells in your own house. Also, I think if you are faced with his 'parenting' (or rather the lack of it!) day in and day out, you will go a bit mad and resentful. I had someone lived with me for a few months (I blame my poor judgement then on post-marriage trauma!) when my DCs were little and he expected my DCs to behave but his DD (who visited occasionally) could do whatever she liked?!! Nothing kills the love or passion faster than a man who cannot discipline their own children but insists on other people's behaving...

Through therapy, I have also realised that having my own home has made me feel incredibly secure. And the pandemic has really driven that home for me. I would not be in a hurry to give that up for anyone!

Agree with prioritising your DS.
Also, I wouldn’t want to move in with my DP and other adults. Agree with a previous poster saying it sounds like a house share.
That’s not my idea of developing my relationship. And also not something I’d choose for my DS.

How would it work financially? Do his dc pay their way?
How would the household work load be split?
Would you be considered the housekeeper?
All that even before how your dc would feel. Big change for him.

Your son is one thing but surely there is no way you would get on with living with his adult children? That sounds a disaster waiting to happen .

Love the idea of saying you will move in when they have flown the nest.

I think you are fantastic for putting your sons well-being first and not trying to push your partner to have his children move out.

If your relationship is meant to be he’ll wait until you and your son are ready. If not, better to know now .