Telling brothers children the truth

[extratimes]

My brother had two kids with a woman he was seeing twenty years ago approximately . It was a casual relationship and she was sleeping with others at that time also so everybody knew where they stood .
The relationship broke down after the birth of their second child and then all hell broke loose . Ther is a massive backstory , too much to go into at the moment but they shared care 50/50 and he also paid maintenance.
Basically his children have litttle or no time for him .
They decided on their teens that they wanted to be at home in their mums house . Eldest boy was kicked out by mother and moved in with member of my family . He has anorexia, self harms and abuses alcohol.
It has come to light that there was much violence and aggression in the home , alcohol and drug abuse . My brother never knew any of this and is eaten up with guilt. My nephew still refuses to discuss it .
My brothers ex has made some dangerous and unfounded allegations down through the years about my brother . He applied for full custody but did not get it . He tried so much to get his children out of their environment , even before he knew the extent .
The kids have heard toxic lies through the years . They do not know that their dad did everything he could with the knowledge he had at that time , to protect theM.
She told kids that he abandoned them , refused to pay for their food etc etc.
Do they need to know truth now or is this further damaging to them ?
My brother is broken because of this and I need to know in your opinion what is in the best interest of my niece and nephew .

If the children were living 50-50 until their teens,and then decided to live with their mother at that point, it seems unlikely that She told kids that he abandoned them .

How could she tell the kids that your DB abandoned them, when they themselves chose to live with their mother ? Something doesn't add up.

Sorry I meant when they were born

Stay out of this. You only know his version of the story. And it's not your buisness to get involved in.

You say he applied for full custody even before he knew what was going on...so as far as he was concerned things were not that bad for them and yet he still wanted to take the kids from their mum? Why? Sounds like spite to me.

I agree with pp, theres more too this.

But its irrelevant now as the kids are teens and can make up their own minds.

Support your brother by being kind. But other than that, stay well out of it.

Are you sure you know the full story? Even if their mother blocked contact, surely the DC would have some memory of overhearing him turning up to the house to collect them for the contact and being told to get lost by their mother? And surely he then applied for contact through court, and contact centre visits would have been arranged? If he went through legal channels to try to obtain residency, why wasn’t he awarded some contact? Are you sure he even tried very hard at all?

He could write a letter setting out all the attempts he made to obtain contact. As they’re now adults, he could include copies of bank statements demonstrating he paid maintenance to their mother regularly. He could include copies of the legal docs where he pursued getting contact arranged. He can write that he understands they may still not want a relationship, but that it’s important they know he never abandoned them.

Please just draw a line under the past, do not get involved in he said, she said.
Work on getting help, support and treatment for your nephew.

I have been very involved all through their lives so factually This is correct .
I think the letter is a good idea with proof of application for custody / bank transactions . I did wonder of it would damage them further. Not my decision but do not want to advise incorrectly . He does not want them
Further damaged or hurt but is suffering greatly

There is a danger that if he doesn’t tell them soon enough then they may really feel abandoned by both parents. At least if he tells them , even if they don’t believe him it will keep that question alive and leave a window cracked. I think it will hurt in the immediate situation as it basically shows their mother has lied to them but he’s between a rock and a hard place. All he can do is show that he has fought for them, he is still fighting for them and always will be there when they are ready. Good luck - so sad.

I think you need to stay out of it and he needs to continue to support and try to connect with his kids whatever way he feels able now. I didn't have a close relationship with my dad. He genuinely wasn't a very nice person. I remember when I got to 18. He decided he would continue to pay some maintenance for me (he had never paid the full court ordered amount, but did pay a small amount), but he made a big song and dance about what he did pay and that he would only send it to my bank account because he didn't trust my mum. And he sent be proof of payments because he didn't believe my mum had ever spent that money on me. The only thing it accomplished was that it confirmed he was an even bigger twat that I already thought he was!

I think if his children made the choice not to have a relationship with him as teens, there is probably more to this story - at least from their perspective. You may know the facts, but there is some pain and resentment on their part. He wasn't as good of a father as he should have been and that's evident by the trauma they have experienced and the aftermath of that now. That pain is only going to be made worse if he turns up now with copies of bank statements and court records. It's going to strain their relationship more and is all a little too late really. Whether he did those things back then or not probably doesn't matter. Because the impact on their lives has been what it is and they're the ones having to live with the consequences of all of it. He would be much better off focussing on healing the relationship now, providing for them financially and emotionally, and supporting them to get help for their physical and mental health issues. That's what will really help them and also hopefully eventually heal that relationship in time.