Help me not f*ck this up? Please :(

[Hjytu]

I’m mid 30s and although I’ve had a couple of good relationships, most have been utter car crashes. Abusers, silent treatment, list is endless.

I took a break and then met someone new a few months ago. I am head over heels but have been uncharacteristically cautious. We’ve taken things slowly, only recently had sex after 5 months. He’s everything I wanted in someone and he makes me very happy. I can’t really believe I met him. I keep that bit to myself

I’m starting to become really anxious. I’ve got anxiety generally and have a history of self sabotage which I work on weekly in therapy.

Anxiety is starting to get bad again and I’m seeing him tonight but know he has a really busy week coming up (has an interview) so I suspect we won’t arrange the next time we’ll see each other like we usually would. I know I will react badly to the uncertainty here. I struggle with managing these things, any advice would be amazing

You sound like you know your issues and what is logic. Print out what you’ve written here and read it when feeling anxious? You know things are going well. You know he’s got a lot going on this week that will take up his spare time. You know your anxiety might sabotage this. Keep that in your head and make yourself think back on all the good things that have happened in the relationship that show he clearly likes you?

@Honeyroar thanks, making a list of the good bits is definitely a good idea. I can just tell the moment he says he’s not sure which day we can next meet I will be in anxiety overdrive and will possibly say something like oh maybe we should break up etc. I want to manage my reactions better, I just don’t know why I’m like this

Would it be helpful OP if you took control of the situation and said I know you have a busy week, let's not meet then, how about X date instead?

@AOwlAOwlAOwl

Would it be helpful OP if you took control of the situation and said I know you have a busy week, let's not meet then, how about X date instead?

I think that’s a really good idea.

@AOwlAOwlAOwl yes it would but runs the risk of him saying he can’t do a certain date I suggest and he’s the relaxed sort who will say let’s have a think and leave it open ended. To be fair he knows I don’t like this and usually we make arrangements fixed because of this, but I’m aware he’s under stres this week so he won’t necessarily be able to say yes for certain to a suggestion.

Sounds so silly doesn’t it. I know I’m being silly.

I might say I could come over on x date, let’s see how it goes, otherwise see you on y date which I know is definite (but a while away). Doing that still leaves me unsure about x though, and I react terribly to uncertainty :( hate myself sometimes for this

The anxiety is just so bad today :(

Does he know about the anxiety? Because at some point he will need to, if he doesn't already.

I experience low level anxiety/insecurity when dating and if it hits, I literally prevent myself contacting them. I put my phone where I can't see it, make myself go for a drive or something until the feelings pass. Could that work?

Have you posted about this before op? Where you felt he was in a bad mood and sent him loads of messages until he threatened to break up with you?

You've posted before OP about saying 'lets just break up'.

What have you done since those posts to address your anxiety?
Have you spoken to your GP about medication or counselling or approached a private Counsellor?

We can help you on here but ultimately your anxiety in relationships is deep rooted and needs unpicking.

Also there is no need to change your nane each time you post,people will try to help no matter how many times you post on the same subject plus it helps keep all your posts together.

I recognise the way you write OP. Have you written about this before? Its sounding very familiar with you feeling "silly" with your reactions. Have you managed to get help with your anxiety? As other posters have said it might be a good idea to just make sure you get a firm up on the next date. There is no harm in asking. I hope you are getting help as you cant go on getting yourself in a real state over imagined processes of the relationship. It makes it a real struggle for you when you should be full of excitement seeing him, not dread.

Yes I’ve posted before. Sorry. Still struggling a bit. I’m not the poster @Hsurbbrb mentions though. Luckily my partner is really understanding. I’ve just not expressed to him how bad the anxiety is as I feel like it comes across as clingy. And the reality is I’m independent I just have huge issues where this uncertainty creeps in. I hate it :(

@SortingItOut this is only my second post, I thought everyone name changed with a new post. Wasn’t trying to do anything weird!

[quote Hjytu]@Honeyroar thanks, making a list of the good bits is definitely a good idea. I can just tell the moment he says he’s not sure which day we can next meet I will be in anxiety overdrive and will possibly say something like oh maybe we should break up etc. I want to manage my reactions better, I just don’t know why I’m like this[/quote]

How about trying to imagine if you couldn't do a particular day and he was the one saying "oh let's break up then." Maybe thinking about it from that point of view could help you to stop yourself in your tracks before you sabotage it.

Perhaps looking at how the potential results of your anxiety issues might feel for the person on the receiving end could help you. One of the problems with anxiety and fear is that they can dominate us, so we get into the position where we are spending far too much time looking inward, and not enough time looking outwards. And looking inwards to that extent can exaggerate the importance of things which are actually quite small.

I do hope you manage to get whatever help you need to stop your anxiety being in charge. There is a good section on fear in a book called Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert. Very amusingly written, she concludes by using the analogy of taking a road trip - where she says Fear can and will come along for the ride, BUT will not be allowed to be in charge of the map or the music!

We had a big chat and he’s reassured me. I wish I’d been more open sooner! Just need to be a bit more strict with myself now I think.

Honestly I think you are doing well facing your issues head on. All I can really add is you do genuinely deserve this happiness. I hope it continues to go from strength to strength for you

@Dervel thank you so much