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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling unsure. Don't know what to do.

3 replies

StalkTheCelery · 20/06/2021 23:02

I don't know what to do.

Me and H get on really, really well most of the time and, even though I really don't like him right now, I do love him. He can be really kind and generous most of the time.

But the way he is with me sometimes just makes me so unsure about carrying on. I feel like I plan what I'd do sometimes in my head if I left. That can't be right can it?

The biggest thing is I feel so underappreciated. He is self employed and his business is absolute top priority. I come way down after it. If I ever said it was us or the business (I wouldn't but hypothetically) I know without a hesitation it wouldn't be us.

I help him with it and have done since day one. It's never good enough and I'm sick of being told I have this "opportunity" because of him (there was murmurings of me working with him part time instead of going back to work after maternity) as if I should be so lucky when I've been there since day one and have always, always supported him. I don't mean it in the sense of blowing my own trumpet but without my help at the start I honestly don't believe he'd be where he is. He doesn't see it. He forgets it all so easily. I'm supposed to be grateful for all his hard work when he never appreciates anything of mine.

When he is stressed with work, I feel like he thinks looking after our baby is nothing at all and I should be able to do that whilst also doing everything for his business too and if I don't manage it I'm just not "trying hard enough".

When he gets stressed out with work he speaks to me like an employee and we end up having big big rows where I can end up being quite nasty because I just find it so frustrating and I genuinely feel trapped by it (on maternity currently, couldn't afford bills without him on SMP).

But then it's not like this all the time. I'd say 95% of our relationship is good.

OP posts:
Therebythedoor · 22/06/2021 10:00

But it's the 5% that is the issue. If he can't respect your input and effort what would happen if you were to withdraw it completely? Maybe he needs to be given a reason to sit up and assess how supportive you have been. When you return to work will you have the time to be supporting his business?

Therebythedoor · 22/06/2021 10:17

I meant to say that it absolutely can be right to be assessing your situation. The 5% is 100% affecting the other 95% of your relationship - enough to cause you to question everything and whether to carry on, or not. Personally, I wouldn't give up my work independence to go work for him, under any circumstances. Because, by the sound of it, you would be working for him not with him. He may only have muttered about it, but he doesn't sound like a good boss.

ILoveShula · 22/06/2021 10:56

He probably thinks that If you are female, looking after a baby is like playing with a dolly, but is a herculean task if you are male.

Don't give up your job.

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