Pressure of Father's Day on marriage with 2 young kids

[disneybee]

It's been a terrible Father's Day, despite my best efforts, I helped the kids get presents and cards for DH, I slept in with them last night to give DH our bed to himself so he could get a good sleep (he's been feeling unwell recently), I did a cooked breakfast for him, helped the kids make cupcakes for him during the day and took them to meet him after work, and cooked his favourite meal for him for dinner while he watched the football.

However, I also snapped at him several times during the day and full-blown lost my patience with him this evening and was shouting at him. (Example: "Maybe you should try watching your kids instead of the football!" slamming door)

Because the kids were so excited about Fathers Day that they woke at 5:30am and despite my best efforts to get them back to sleep, they were overtired by 7:30am so DH woke up to DS (3yo) having a screaming meltdown, which set DH off in a terrible mood. While I tried to calm everyone down and get DD (5yo) to stop sulking and give DH his presents, he just kept nipping in my ear about how badly behaved our kids are. We got through breakfast with him making patronising comments to the kids about how rude they are, and me defending them, and it was a relief when he went to work.

The kids cheered up after breakfast and I spent the day at home dealing with DS's random loud tantrums - he wasn't on great form today - (he's 3, this happens, right?!) - and helped them make the cupcakes. DD was desperate to make the cupcakes and also got dressed up in her best outfit to meet her Daddy from work, bless her. I got DS to sleep in the buggy on the way to meet DH from work, bonus.

The first comment I got from him was a sarky comment about us being late (we were supposed to actually go into his work 15mins earlier, but I messaged to say we would meet him outside, because I was trying to get DS to nap in the buggy and give us all a bit of peace) - which I didn't react well to.

I just find his snippy comments unbearable when I am doing my best. Yes our kids can be badly behaved but aren't all 3 and 5yos at times??!! DH is acting like a spoilt teenager, and it was like he expected our kids to be fawning at his feet because it was Father's Day.

I feel constantly stuck in the middle between the kids and DH, and I am getting to the point where my feelings for him are really changing. It's been this way ever since my first pregnancy, and I saw a slightly selfish side to him that I had never seen before.

Now I am left in this situation where we have been together for 10 years, married for 7, two wonderful children, have built a life together, struggled like many to get through lockdown and all the financial and emotional stresses; what happens next? Am I being a bitch cos I don't have the energy to look after him as well as the kids - and I am losing the will to make the effort for him? Or is he being a twat? How can I decide which way to think.... fix this or accept we are growing apart? I've suggested we consider divorce at times and then he's always nicer to me afterwards, but I would like a candid, adult conversation with him about our situation and our options! Where can I get help???

I helped the kids get presents and cards for DH, I slept in with them last night to give DH our bed to himself so he could get a good sleep (he's been feeling unwell recently), I did a cooked breakfast for him, helped the kids make cupcakes for him during the day and took them to meet him after work, and cooked his favourite meal for him for dinner while he watched the football.

Let me guess, he did the same for you in March?

He does sound like a bit of a dick to be honest. Little kids are never going to be Instagram perfect, Father's Day or not. So I think he needs to readjust his expectations.
I'd have a serious talk about how much you have tried to do today to make it nice for him - Father's Day doesn't mean he gets to sit on his arse and do nothing. He is still meant to actively parent his kids on this day!
The early years are tough though - everybody is knackered and you do see sides to your partner that you might not have been exposed to pre kids. If you are seriously contemplating divorce then you need some couples counselling asap. This could well be fixable - it might just need some more realistic expectations and him learning to appreciate that kids are hard work and 50% of that work should be fine by him!
If he isn't willing to not be a selfish arse, then it's not a disaster to go your separate ways.

Let me guess, he did the same for you in March?

He woke me and the kids up early to shove some toast and coffee at me before he went to work, to 'tick that box', and the kids showered me with handmade drawings and Mother's Day cards and gifts which was super sweet (as well as a shop-bought card from DH).

Then we ordered takeaway that night so I wouldn't have to cook.

I have a growing resentment about his can't cook, won't cook attitude. It really brings me down, but while he is the main breadwinner and I can't get any work - partly due to being the main caregiver for the kids, as well as not getting anywhere with job applications - I feel like it's 'my job' to cook and do all the shopping and laundry and domestic crap, which really pisses me off.

I also was putting the kids to bed every night but I've put my foot down about that now - when he said he is always working, I pointed out, if we were divorced, would he never take the kids at a weekend because he was too busy working?? After that, he agreed to put the kids to bed 3 nights a week.

We have to stick to this routine rigidly - there's no scope for him noticing when I am just completely frigging exhausted by the kids, and offering to put them to bed to give me a break.

I had a go about this tonight - he just stood fast on the fact it's 'not his night' for putting the kids to bed, and made a big fuss about how he did all the dishes and tidying up while I put them to bed, even though it's Father's Day AND he was working today.

Like, just put the kids to bed then, and I'll do the dishes and tidy up?!?!?!!! I just needed a break from them by this point tonight!

Apparently I have made it 'all about me', so he says! It's always about how tired I am, when actually it's Father's Day AND he's been working AND he's tired!!!!! Like, does he have a point?! I honestly can't work out who the bigger twat is, me or him, maybe we are both twats?!

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously I would really like to go to couples counselling, just to get some perspective more than anything, I have mentioned this to DH but he just makes me feel like I am being dramatic! And points out he doesn't have time for counselling, he barely has enough time for all his work!!

But I really want to do it, my feelings for him are just becoming more and more negative over the years and I either want to either get things back on track or go our separate ways before we actually hate each other. (My parents had a terrible divorce and I never want to put my kids through such destructive emotional fallout as my siblings and I went through).

How do we go about getting counselling? Is it expensive? Are there any subsidised / NHS / charity services, or should I just look on Google for local private counsellors?

He chose to have kids. If you were working too he would be doing 50%, tired or not. And the fact is, you are not working because you are looking after the kids. You are contributing, so he doesn't get to pull the 'I'm doing more than you' card. His stuff isn't always more important than anything you are doing and feeling! By looking after the kids you are saving the family childcare fees and making his life logistically a lot easier. Life is much harder when both parents work and have to fit in everything else around that. As things stand he gets to go to work and never have to stress about what happens if the kids are sick,bit having to leave dead on the dot to get to the nursery before the extra fees for lateness kick in! Whether he sees it or not, he is having an easier life than if you were both at work and reliant on outside childcare.
If you are home during the day then it's probably reasonable that you do more domestic stuff, but that doesn't mean he is absolved of all responsibility and doesn't need to help.
The inflexibility would be a problem for me - sounds like he will only do what he absolutely has to. That's not a nice way to live.

Honestly, I don't know about the best place to access counselling. Maybe ask citizens advice or the doctor for recommendations for decent counsellors. Some are better than others and it might take a few goes to find someone you both gel with. I think you probably would have to pay for it, but again am not sure. Hopefully someone with more experience will be along on this thread.

I think Relate couples counselling is subsidised and you pay a contribution.
I completely understand why you would be so exhausted and so frustrated.
Good luck

Tired old script were the husband appears permanently dissatisfied yet refuses to contemplate counselling because his attitude is working for him and he doesn't want any light shed on his actions or behaviour. That was my marriage. My exdh would have nothing to do with counselling until I was walking out the door, by which point it was far too late for me. It really kills any positive feelings in a marriage when you feel like you are not a team.

Honestly from your OP it feels like there was a need for this to be perfect because your relationship is not working and a good day might put everything back on track.
I really don’t get this need to make a massive fuss over Mother’s Day and Father’s Day I find it all very strange.

It's all a bit much. My kids just throw their dad/me a card and some token chocolates

I would suggest you discuss and adopt this strategy to save all this pressure in future.

I feel for you about young dc's too. My youngest two will behave more badly in direct relation to my hoping they will 'fall in line', and this pushes my exdh's buttons like crazy. In his world, there is no room for children's needs and feelings, only 'behaving' and 'not behaving'. I well know the feeling of being stuck in the middle of the kids and exdh and it was a source of so much anxiety when we were together. When it came down to it, I wanted more than anything for my kids to be able to feel that they had someone in their corner. I had to take a hard look at the reality that exdh is (apparently) a grown up and can look after his own feelings.

The fact that he is nicer after you bring up divorce is disturbing. It suggests he can control himself if he so chooses. Again, he's following the script.

Thank you for your comments last night, much appreciated X

My dh loves putting our kids to bed with me, if he were the kind of man that resented them so much it was seen as nothing more than a chore, plus if he just couldn't be arsed to be part of our family in general, I'd rather be in my own than with such a deadweight.