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Original poster

What to do

17 replies

MermaidDreams83 · 20/06/2021 19:53

Hi, I've been with my husband since I was 16, married 11 years, two children 8 and a 3 year old.
I want to leave, I want to do this on my own because I know i can. But the guilt on the Children is immense.
My father died last year, my aunty is terminal it's made me think life is too short. We've not shared a bed since last summer, and I don't miss it. He sleeps in the sitting room, it's his domain, no one allowed in. Which is frustrating it would be so nice to open the doors and let the children have the full house to enjoy, but at same time I don't want him back in bedroom.
He left work when I had my eldest became a stay at home dad, he's now working two days on a weekend, the rest of the days he does school pick up etc but that's about it. I feel I'm not the same person as I was at 16 and he is. I pay for everything, all bills mortgage etc and have done since we moved here about 7 years ago but his name on mortgage too,
I've debt, im with stepchange paying off every month.
I guess my question is, where do I go from here? I don't have money to go to a solicitor, it's expensive right? I don't want to lose house I feel it's mine but at same time don't want him to leave with nothing? Any advice is appreciated

OP posts:
tortoiselover100 · 20/06/2021 20:10

So he looked after the children allowing you to return to full time work and you consider the house 'Yours'??

Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 20/06/2021 20:28

Well yes, we were not living in the house when we had our first, and he left his job to be a stay at him dad cause he hated it so it benefited everyone, like I said I would give him something I just don't know where to start... 😐

OP posts:
bellalou1234 · 20/06/2021 20:34

Will the plan you've got with step change affect your credit rating? Just for getting a mortgage or rental on your own.. the marriage sounds dead and no way to live for you or your children. I would cut my losses start getting stuff in order. Do you have friends or family as support?

Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 20/06/2021 20:37

I think it would affect my credit rating for sure. I've got a good support network, if we sold the house I'd move in with my mam, I could rent somewhere. What I mean is I could afford it, it would be tight but I could

OP posts:
LittleBirdBlu · 20/06/2021 20:38

The house isn't yours. Your husband gave up his job to look after the children while you went to work. It is no different if the roles are reversed. It sounds da like he is the main carer of the children too, so legally he could fight you to keep the kids and could make it so that you have to leave with him staying in the house with the children.

Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 20/06/2021 20:42

Thanks, he is not the main caregiver, I work flexibly, I dress the kids every morning, get them ready for school, nursery. I pick them up most days, I work around my children. I'm lucky enough to have a role that does that. I certainly don't mean to come across unfairly thou which is why I posted for advice. The role in looking after the children is not 50/50 and he would admit that too.

OP posts:
category12 · 20/06/2021 20:58

@MermaidDreams83

Thanks, he is not the main caregiver, I work flexibly, I dress the kids every morning, get them ready for school, nursery. I pick them up most days, I work around my children. I'm lucky enough to have a role that does that. I certainly don't mean to come across unfairly thou which is why I posted for advice. The role in looking after the children is not 50/50 and he would admit that too.
You may want to make sure you can prove that before you make any announcements. All bets are off, once he realises you're serious about splitting. Someone quite reasonable normally can sometimes change towards you radically during a split.

He's got a claim on half of everything.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 20/06/2021 21:01

You don't want him to leave with nothing?

Why? You can be sure he wouldn't give a shit about your needs. Ditch this idiot, offer nothing. He is a waste of space and life is too short.

Dacquoise · 20/06/2021 21:03

From a divorce point of view the starting point would be 50/50 which would likely mean you would have to sell the house and start again. You may also be looking at needing to support him financially until he gets back into full time work as he will need accommodation and somewhere for your children to stay with him.

Have you thought about attending mediation to go through this together? If you can sort it out without going to court you will save yourself a fortune.

category12 · 20/06/2021 21:07

They're married and have been for 11 years - he has a claim on the marital assets and home rights to live in their shared property.

She can tell him to bugger off, and it's possible he'll just meekly toddle off and leave her with everything, but not very probable. Hmm

kiddo5467 · 20/06/2021 21:26

You're making out like he's scrounged off you for years with you paying for everything. However, it's not that different from many families when the wife stays at home to raise the kids when they're young.

If a woman was to post on here that her husband was leaving her as he no longer loved her everyone would be telling her to "take him to the cleaners", to her her Ducks in a row (all the MN sayings) and everyone would be telling her she's been bringing up HIS kids while he worked so she was entitled to 50%

Why should this situation be any different?

QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 04:26

Leave OP, take your kids and leave.

Just for refusing anyone access to the Living Room I'd be leaving FFS.

Think of yourself and the kids. Get the hell out and start over.

🌸

Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 21/06/2021 07:02

@Dacquoise

From a divorce point of view the starting point would be 50/50 which would likely mean you would have to sell the house and start again. You may also be looking at needing to support him financially until he gets back into full time work as he will need accommodation and somewhere for your children to stay with him.

Have you thought about attending mediation to go through this together? If you can sort it out without going to court you will save yourself a fortune.

No I haven't looked into mediation but I will thank you 🙏
OP posts:
Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 21/06/2021 07:04

@kiddo5467

You're making out like he's scrounged off you for years with you paying for everything. However, it's not that different from many families when the wife stays at home to raise the kids when they're young.

If a woman was to post on here that her husband was leaving her as he no longer loved her everyone would be telling her to "take him to the cleaners", to her her Ducks in a row (all the MN sayings) and everyone would be telling her she's been bringing up HIS kids while he worked so she was entitled to 50%

Why should this situation be any different?

I understand where you are coming from, however usually the person who stays at home to raises the children does just that, but in my case it isn't, I'm also responsible for 90% of the housework. It's really not a clear 50/50 share of all workloads and responsibilities. I don't want to do anything that is deemed unfairly to husband which is why I posted. Literally no idea where to start etc
OP posts:
Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 21/06/2021 07:06

@QueenBee52

Leave OP, take your kids and leave.

Just for refusing anyone access to the Living Room I'd be leaving FFS.

Think of yourself and the kids. Get the hell out and start over.

🌸

Thanks, the sitting room is ridiculous. I can't remember how it got to this point, though it's his bedroom I guess now too. So sad it's like this, we don't spend any time together once children are in bed we go our separate ways and he goes back to the sitting room
OP posts:
Original poster
MermaidDreams83 · 21/06/2021 07:07

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

You don't want him to leave with nothing?

Why? You can be sure he wouldn't give a shit about your needs. Ditch this idiot, offer nothing. He is a waste of space and life is too short.

I guess because we've been together for 21 years, married 11. I'd like to think we can do this amicably and fairly with our children at the forefront of our care always.
OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 21/06/2021 15:16

Get yourself organised @MermaidDreams83 and good legal advice and leave with the kids as soon as you are able 🌸

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