Toxic inlaws, need perspective please

[PartridgeFeather]

Long backstory which I might start a different thread for, but the situation is:

Yesterday my three DCs went to see their paternal grandparents. DD(17) only went because her dad (their son) is critically ill in hospital and his outcome/recovery is very uncertain; despite her dad having been highly abusive to her & having had EMDR therapy because of it, she wanted to show solidarity.

Unlike her siblings, DD hasn't seen ILs at all for 2 years, as they are verbally abusive, bullying, narcissistic, money-obsessed and generally unpleasant to be around. I have nothing to do with them. And now there is something else.

DD typical teen girl. Dresses normally and is perfectly normal weight. Yesterday she was greeted - after 2 years - not with hello how are you but with a barrage of personal comments from her grandfather (who is 80) "you've lost weight" "you're too thin" etc. etc. but also very obvious stares/allusions to her chest/figure (covered by high neck t-shirt). This was in front of her grandmother, uncle and siblings.

No questions about how she''s been, how her exams went, how she's feeling, not much talk about their dad either.

THEN before they left, he took her aside out of earshot of the others and said (exact words) "Your tits have grown, the boys will like that. Don't tell your grandmother I said that".

She came home very upset and obviously won't be going there again. I feel sick. How do I protect my youngest child, also a girl and will shortly be going through puberty, from this pondlife? How do I raise my son as a decent man when his own grandfather, who he is fond of, is a filthy lech?

Anything I say or do, even through my lawyer, is denied, minimised or laughed at in this culture, which is so misogynistic it's unbelievable. I'm not living here voluntarily, but legally there's nothing I can do at the moment.

Any words of wisdom gratefully received. She's been in a bad place with having to deal with these people over the years, I don't want her to relapse.

Your poor DD, sounds like her instincts to go NC were entirely correct. Probably time to return to that state for her and the remainder of her siblings. Meanwhile tell your DD to completely disregard what that old toad said.

What the previous respondent wrote.

Keep ALL your children well away from their abusive grandparents. You already stay away from them for good reason. They like your children because they are a good source of narcissistic supply and are used and spat out accordingly.

If these people are too toxic for YOU to deal with, its the same deal for the children as well. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive like these people you describe.

I know. You are both completely right. However, in this awful culture they're living in, nobody wants to know. They all, even the lawyers, just pretend it doesn't happen. Restraining orders and no-visitation orders just don't happen here.

Where exactly are you a continent would suffice.

Abuse and neglect has been documented in many cultures since time immemorial.

You may be wrong here about no-one in authority wanting to know - but you know and you can and should protect your children from such malign abusive influences like their grandparents. Your children rely on you to show them good judgment. You stay away from these people as it is and your children need to do the same.

Europe. Previous safeguarding issues I flagged up resulted in the father flatly denying it all, reciting a pack of lies in court, nobody investigating, me being made to pay him maintenance and him retaining primary custody. Any kind of going NC here is seen as not cooperating.

Who cares what other people would think?. Those that matter do not mind and those that mind do not matter.

Who brought your kids to these people? You’re already staying away from these people and your kids need to stay away from them as well. Their now ill father is abusive which is not altogether surprising given how his parents, particularly the grandfather here, behaves. He learnt how to abuse others from them.

Fuck them. Surely they cannot come to your house without your permission so you just don't send your kids to see them. Has your Dh ignored previous issues too? Block them and do not organise for your kids to see them again.

Stay away from them is all you can do.

Will you be able to leave if your ex dies?

If so, hope that he doesn't and you can get your children away from them.

Your FIL is slime.

I care what my kids think. My son still loves his dad and is close to his uncle. All my attempts over the years to remove him from them have ended in disaster, because anything less than serious physical violence by a parent is just brushed aside. Obviously the father, being a prize narc, is (was) skilled at turning on the charm and hoodwinking. In this small community, most people including 2 of the DCs think he's great, and that I am the bad parent for daring to challenge their father.

Thanks everyone for your replies. @billy1966 no I can't leave, as DS is 16, the education system is completely different from the UK plus he's said he'd rather live with his grandparents than move to the UK (he doesn't know the extent of the grandfather's vileness). He is fragile and defiant, it's taken me months to get back on proper speaking terms with him. So much damage to undo 😔.