Ex husband moving on, tell me to get a grip!

[Turningintoastalker]

Name changed for this as have spoken to colleagues about it IRL, but long term poster on here ELK, Mexican house thief, Pom bears etc

Please tell me to get a grip! Husband and I were together 8 years, married 6, separated 3, lived apart for 2.5 now. No children. On polite speaking terms.

Husband bought a house about 2 miles from me. I drive past the end of his road on the way to the supermarket, his house is by the junction so I can see it. Sometimes I see his van parked there as I drive past.

The other weekend I drove past and saw a car on his one space driveway, no van. I know it isn’t his as he needs the van for work and it was clean, so definitely not his! My first thought was that he he has a girlfriend who has moved in. I breezily commented on it as had my Mum in the car with me. Back home though I felt unsettled by it.

He definitely wasn’t seeing anyone else when we split up. It sounds cruel to say, but honestly he didn’t have the memory to lie successfully. He also left his phone/iPad lying about which I knew the code for and so I sneakily had a look after we split but were still in the same house.

He bought a house that needed major work doing to it and so for a year or so it was a building site. I bought a new sofa just before the first lockdown and offered him my old one but he said he still didn’t need one as his house was still barely habitable.

Obviously, on my trip to the supermarket this week, I had another look. The car and his van weren’t there. The car was back on the driveway on the return trip, no van. Honestly, I shed a tear when I got home.

As any lunatic would do, I took a late evening drive past the end of the road the other night. Van was on the driveway, there was a car the same colour as the driveway car, parked on the opposite side a bit further along. There’s lots of cars that colour though so it may or may not be the same one. Honestly, I felt my heart lift a bit when it was his van on the drive and not the car.

I was planning on asking for a divorce around autumn this year. I actually started the divorce application online last year when it was exactly 2 years since he told me he wanted out, but with Covid etc I didn’t complete the application. I have a fantasy/plan of turning up at his, looking slimmer and telling him I am going to apply for a divorce and financial consent order to formally seperate our finances (we agreed we wanted nothing further from each other after I bought him out of the house).

I want to lose weight for my health as honestly, my stomach gets in the way! I have lost about 7kg so far (I put the scales on kg setting so I didn’t cry at how many stones I weigh), but it’s still a long way off the 4/5st total need to lose. Being able to turn up telling him I want a divorce, whilst looking happy and healthy when he hasn’t seen me for a year would be perfect. Not to do the pick me dance, just to say look, I’ve flourished since you left, thanks for giving up on me.

We agreed when we split that we wanted nothing of each other’s after I bought him out of the house. I was going to ask him to pay for the divorce though as he wanted the separation, and had told him that when we split.

The appearance of the car though has made me think, quick get in there with the divorce before he does! Is it childish to want to do that? I guess it’s a being in control thing. I can’t actually apply yet (although started the application the day I saw the car) as waiting for a copy of my marriage certificate to arrive. When it does, do I just text him and tell him? I honestly don’t want to see him looking like this. Realistically, unless he is pressured into applying for a divorce by a new partner, he just wouldn’t get round to it, too much hassle, paperwork and money. So why am I feeling the pressure to do it now?

Please tell me to stop thinking about this and talk me out of more unecessary drives past his house!

So as not to drip feed - He decided he wanted out almost 3 years ago and wanted x amount of money. He sold his house, moved into mine and paid off my mortgage. The amount he wanted was less than my mortgage had been, me being a soft touch gave him a bit more than he asked for but still less than the mortgage amount.

Eventually he moved out after buying a house 8 months later. He originally didn’t see why anything should change after telling me he no longer loved me, (including sharing my bed!). I had to move his stuff into the spare room, tell him I was no longer doing his shopping, cooking etc. I even asked him to pay rent eventually (albeit less than a lodger would as his income was a third less than mine).

I hold my hands up to my part in the marriage ending, I’ve had episodes of depression since childhood (although it wasn’t diagnosed at the time). I was off work for 10 months, returned to work only because I’d lose my job if not and struggled through the next year until my sickness level reset, then ended up having a further 9 months off before returning to work. During this I had counselling, CBT and CFT and various different medications, which combined with the depression made me gain about 4 stone in weight and destroyed my libido. I’d been back at the work for 6 months when he decided he wanted out. We didn’t communicate well, he was a man of few words and certainly not about his feelings.

When he decided he wanted out, I asked if we could try marriage counselling, he said no, because he hadn’t loved me for a year. He could leave now because I was well enough and just been offered a promotion. There was also no point trying because he’d just feel the same way in 5 or 10 years time!

I overheard him (he speaks loudly, he was in the lounge I was in the bedroom) on the phone to a friend one evening shortly after, talking about me, saying I never did anything and he’d just be sat on the sofa next to me waiting to die! Had the one row we ever had with him when he hung up! I also have chronic pain and so my social life is restricted by that and also the fatigue from doing an emotionally and physically demanding job. At the end of our relationship though I was actually doing more activities etc than I had ever done - my psychiatrist had stressed that my recovery would be a synergy of medication, talking therapies and social interaction.

I had counselling after he left at which I realised that yes, I was often sat on the sofa when he came in. However, he often didn’t get home until 7 or 8pm, he obviously didn’t realise that I was relaxing after a full day at work, running the house, had probably spent an hour on my hobby etc by that point. The Coronation Street bit annoyed me as I hadn’t watched it for months due to my depression and actually watching it again was a sign I was doing better! I did point out to him though that actually if he made an effort to come home earlier as he had done at the start of our relationship we could go out and do things. If he suggested we go for an evening walk, I always went with him, but he he was getting home too late to do that. In hindsight, that was part of him checking out of the marriage, but working for himself, he’d often need to work late or check on his animals so not unusual.

He also told me that I needed to take less tablets and talk to someone, I pointed out it would have been helpful if he had talked to me when he first noticed a problem in our marriage, rather than kissing me good night, telling me he loved me and that the lack of sex was okay! I have realised that actually he’s a coward who avoids confrontation. There was a specific incident, when someone had borrowed something and returned it damaged without mentioning the damage. Rather than demand they paid for the repairs, as I would, he said they just won’t borrow anything off me again. I interpreted that as him being the bigger person, but actually he just didn’t want to confront them.

When he eventually moved out I ended up having a couple of months off as my depression kicked off again. I think it was a reaction to the end of the stress of him being there, but all is good in that respect now, despite losing my DF last year.

I’d like to be in a new relationship, but have focused on getting myself into a good headspace to start working on my weight etc. Covid had also got in the way, I’ve always hated photos of myself since childhood so OLD isn’t the best option to meet anyone.

So, yep, please tell me to get a grip!

Oh missed out the Coronation Street, thing - apparently that was what we’d be watching whilst he was waiting to die.

If you’ve managed to read all this waffle I thank you!

Oh OP. :(

I won't tell you to get a grip but I will gently suggest to you that you use whatever diverting techniques you can to stop looking for his van+car. It's not doing you any good and it's a huge distraction from what you want to do.

I get that your appearance is important to you so, focus on that. Not just your weight, whatever else makes up your appearance that you'd like to change. Hair done? Eyelash tinting? Treat yourself to some new makeup and skincare products?

I think you need a priority list. What you want to achieve - and then prioritise each thing. As it's done, or well in progress, start on the next.

It sounds to me as if you could do with some endorphin-production and get used to those on a regular basis. I promise you they'll make you feel good - and a whole lot better than you currently do.

What's your 'happy thing'? Do you like walking? Swimming? I swim 6 days a week because it really lifts my spirits - and helps with water retention. Having the resultant slim,, strong legs makes me happy.

I wouldn't look at dating right now, it doesn't sound as if you're in the right headspace for that and it would (I think) make you sadder if you're unfortunate enough to meet up with a loser when you're at your most vulnerable. Save the dating for when you can look back on your ex and what he's doing - and really not mind a bit.

It doesn't matter what your ex thinks or does now. The 'waiting to die' comment wasn't to you, it was to a friend of his and, as jolting as it was to hear it, he didn't intend you to hear that. Let it go.

Focus on you now. Only on you. Do you have real life friends whom you could commandeer for a meet up? If not then post here with your list, you'll have loads of support to cheer you on with getting it done.

You can do this,, all of it. Make yourself the project, the priority and celebrate each achievement as you get it done. You can.

Oh dear op! This all reads as if you split up three weeks ago rather than 3 years ago!

It doesn’t matter a bit what you look like when you next see him. What matters is letting him be in your past and shifting your current focus completely back to yourself - your mental & physical health, your happiness.

Work at getting fit because it will make you feel better, not to live out some fantasy scene which will never happen and is keeping you stuck in the past.

Let him go and work on yourself. You could start by finding an online exercise programme you enjoy and doing it every day. Good luck!

You really need to move on now. Finding another partner might help ...

You don't need to get a grip op, you're struggling and that's fine and normal.

I second what pp said about doing your happy thing. I spent years obsessing about my weight till I decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. I focused on finding pleasure from activities for the sake of them, eating healthily for the pleasure of how good it made me feel and ironically that was when I became a slim person.

I've also been sick now, weight gain, loss of libido and add it temporary baldness. My partner supported me, tells me I'm beautiful and asked me to marry him. So the fact he wasn't up to the job is a reflection on him not you.

I recommend instead of giving yourself a hard time for not being over it all why don't you plan three activity weekends to do over the next two months.

Gosh the sitting on the sofa waiting to die is an awful way to describe things.

In all honesty it's been 2.5 years since you lived with him. I'm picking up that you still love him?

Driving by his house is not good, but I know you have to sometimes, but please don't make a habit of this checking out who is there.

If he's seeing someone try just to be happy for him. It's been 3 years since you separated, men move on much faster, and tbh it's s been 3 years.

It's good you are getting help. You need to do this for you and not to show him. Although I did get a great thrill bumping into an ex when I was looking my absolute best, however that happy feeling soon passes, I think it's a 'look what you're missing out on".

I don't know what is best regarding the divorce, I think I'd probably concentrate on my health first and get in the right frame of mind before tackling the divorce. He may not be in a rush himself.

You will get through this, I know it's the time between now and then that's going to be so difficult. You have proved how strong you are and you can move on from him and build a happy life without him.

I'm wondering if the 'waiting to die' remark was about Coronation Street? My husband wasn't a fan and the Saturday omnibus used to get on his nerves. I stopped watching it when it got too miserable for me - and the storyline became woeful (about 10 years ago).

Thing is, OP will never know what he was referring to and I doubt he'd even remember it. It sounded to me a throwaway comment but unfortunately, OP's taken it to heart.

I understand how you're feeling ok but this behaviour is not normal. He has a right to his live his life how he wants to. I would feel very unsettled if an ex was driving past my home spying on me after 3 years, that is a bit weird to be honest. I would suggest more counselling to help you move on. I say this kindly.

This isn't healthy op it's becoming an obsession although your addressing that which is good. What steps have you made with your live going forward. I'd make a list of 5 things you wish to achieve and start working towards that. You need a focus.

Op, I think you are only now trying to process your marriage ending and maybe you need to tell the story to yourself so that you can make sense of it and maybe forgive yourself. The car has triggered the fact that he is moving on and made you reflect on your progress.

You may still love him which isn't wrong especially as he seemed to handle the separation fairly well.

Accept your feelings but make sure you don't give into temptation of checking on what he is up to..appreciate its hard when he lives close.

Take it as a sign that you are still on your healing journey..no doubt delayed by Covid as well.

How old are you?

Yep, I probably need to get my name down for more therapy.

I’m losing weight for me, not to show him, but the fantasy of doing the fuck you as opposed to the pick me dance is a great motivator to not raid the biscuit tin! I’ve lost 15lbs so far and can feel I have more energy, walking/bending is easier etc. I do a 15min exercise video each day at the moment (still on the beginner level) and have signed up for aquarobics when the pool reopens. I’ve also been reducing my opioids and have gone from 150mg oral morphine equivalent a day to 40mg. In all honesty, I’m happier now than I have been in years, even found myself dancing in the lounge the other day!

Makes it all the more irritating that I feel like this. He might be living like a hermit and the car was a courtesy one when his van was in the garage, why does it even matter to me? There’s no way I could ever get back together with him, I feel betrayed by him for lying to me for a year about his feeling for me. That ship has sailed, sunk and I’ve chucked rocks in after it!

I suspect the universe (for want of a better description) was stopping me from applying for divorce in anger that day, by hiding my marriage certificate. Waiting for a replacement copy… I haven’t seen him in over a year, when he picked up some post. I texted him when DF died out of courtesy after discussing it with DM as they had always got in well. He replied nicely and saying to let him know if I needed anything. We are amicable still so I wouldn’t just let the divorce papers arrive in the post, plus I think he should pay at least half! I probably need to just let the application sit saved for a while yet before making any decisions.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe It was his perception that I spent all day on the sofa in front of the TV. The Coronation Street bit just really annoyed me, he always asked me what had happened in it if he missed it! It was him blaming everything on me rather than recognising he wasn’t entirely blameless himself.

You're well out of it, OP. Acknowledge what happened in your marriage and put it to bed, it's over now and you have your whole life ahead of you. You're taking good and positive steps to make your life how you want it, acknowledge and celebrate each one and try to stop looking backwards. It doesn't matter now who was right or wrong back then.

@Sillawithans

I understand how you're feeling ok but this behaviour is not normal. He has a right to his live his life how he wants to. I would feel very unsettled if an ex was driving past my home spying on me after 3 years, that is a bit weird to be honest. I would suggest more counselling to help you move on. I say this kindly.

I wouldn’t say driving past his house once a week going to the supermarket and noticing a car on his drive was abnormal. His house is literally on the corner with a speed camera just by it so you have to slow down, plus if coming the other way, if someone is turning into the junction you stop right next to his house. I’ve noticed when he has a skip on the drive in the past, the same way as I do when my neighbour has one. Don’t you notice things when you drive past the house of someone you know?

Taking a trip out one evening past his house to nose, yep, hands up to that one, naughty, but I’m bloody nosey in general! I did it once, haven’t done it again.

I don’t wish any harm to him, if he’s found someone, good for him. I hope she makes him happy. He’s generally a nice enough guy. I was just questioning my gut reaction to it knowing that that isn’t how I want to feel.

I think the solitude of Covid leads to too much rumination/navel gazing. Living alone and working full time from home certainly doesn’t help. I miss not going to my usual crafty classes, or even just a mooch around the shops on my own. I did go to a workshop a couple of weeks ago and have booked on some more but unfortunately they’re not for a few months yet.

I’m probably just jealous. My libido has returned, determined to make up for lost time! Probably peri/menopausal, given I’m in my late 40s. I probably just need to find a fuck buddy to distract me!

Thanks for all your thoughts, they have been helpful to hear.

Yep, me again.

Just popping by to say that I haven’t done any random drivebys! The initial surprise/shock has worn off and I’m not phased or bothered by it at all now.

Still waiting for the copy of my marriage certificate, but the divorce application is filled out and saved (for 6 months apparently), so I can proceed with it whenever I feel ready.

Weight loss is still progressing - lost 8kg now. Learning to be happy in my own skin again, pondering about beating my photo phobia (in the days of photo booths before digital cameras I evaded having a work ID for 7 years due to my hatred of photos) to try OLD in the future.

You're really not over him are you? Loose weight for yourself, not because you have some creepy fantasy about turning up in his doorstep all botoxed up. Seriously, move on and stop dragging the divorce out for what so far sound like rather spurious reasons.

@Hanger0n did you read the same update as I did? Congratulations on your weight loss OP and its lovely to hear that you are now unphased by the car and you haven't been for any more drive bys x

Ach op. You sound obsessed by him. I’m glad you’re loosing weight and feeling good. Are you really suddenly not bothered if he has a girlfriend! It’s been three years now. Both of you should move on, and it would be normal for him to be with someone else.

My heart is breaking for you.
Is there another way you can avoid seeing the house?
It's too painful. You sound lovely and 15 pounds is amazing. I think you will meet someone soon. No ones life is perfect. Not his. Not this new woman (if that's so)
Remember that

Try and be kinder to yourself.

@Hanger0n - thank you for the biggest laugh I’ve had in ages, me botoxed up. I don’t even own a lipstick!

Yep, totally not bothered, if I bumped into him in the pub with tongue down someone’s throat, would just be glad it wasn’t me! I realised that whilst I’d accepted the marriage was over I hadn’t given the thought of him doing anything else with his life any headspace, because my head wasn’t thinking about ever being in another relationship at that point.. I probably blame a pandemic whilst working in care for a lot of that!

That and finances, (£550 plus a solicitor for a financial consent order takes some saving up for on my my income), means that sorting out a divorce has taken some time. Getting the wheels turning on that again was a knee jerk reaction. I physically can’t do anything about it as I still haven’t got a copy of my marriage certificate yet. But actually, reading threads on here, shows the divorce process is stressful and emotional, no matter what your relationship is/was like. I’m therefore going to start proceedings when I have the right headspace to do so, whether that’s next week or next year. If he decides to start proceedings before he can cough up for it and I’ll spend my savings on some therapy!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a fantasy, it doesn’t mean I’ll do it, but it’s a great motivator to keep losing weight! I’m losing weight for me and my health - my depression medications made me gain 3 stone which is quite normal according to my GP! I’m losing weight so I don’t end up with type 2 diabetes or heart disease. If it means I look fabulous as a side effect then that’s one side effect I’ll put up with!