How much to tell my children about my father ?

[disgirl2]

Hi all, I’m just wondering how much I should tell my children about my childhood, in particular my father?
Background: I have NC with him since before by children were born. He is an alcoholic and I also suspect he is a narcissist.
He would verbally, physically, financially, emotionally abuse my DM. He used coercive control and ensured she had no friends or family contact .
We lived in total fear of him. He controlled us, verbally abused us, threatened us, name calling, I could go on.
Finally DM left him when I was 17 ( 31 years ago now ) but it was probably another 10 years before she was fully rid of him, as he was persistent and still had some control over her and us.
Anyway, my DC’s obviously are curious about him. From an early age, I’ve told them he was busy ( say 3 or 4 years of age ).
As they got older, I told them we didn’t talk, that he wasn’t very nice to us and only cared for himself ( probably when they were 8/ 9 years old)
I’ve told my 17 year old and 14 year old now that he is an alcoholic and chose alcohol over his family and that he wasn’t very nice when drunk. Now that’s a bit of a lie, cos he wasn’t a nice person without alcohol either !

My dilemma is, how much more do I tell them? I don’t want them looking at my Mum through pitying eyes….. she’s a strong woman who is so good to us! I would hate them to see her as a victim but then am I doing them an injustice by not telling them the whole truth!
My DD (14) is asking a lot lately and I’ve told her a little but I have sugar coated it a bit ….. for the above reasons.
I’m so lucky to have a loving husband, who is poles apart from the man my father is ! My kids have only known love and affection ….. and I’m so thrilled for them but how much do I shelter them from my past ?
Sorry for the long rant, I’m just confused and thank you.

I say this as someone who grew up knowing grandad was a bad man who was unkind to daddy when he was small... which is why daddy now drinks has bad moods breaks things and sometimes beats us....

Your daughter also needs to learn to respect boundaries and drop it tbh...

By reliving the gory details you won't help her and you continue to give this guy power/free rent in your mind.
I found picking over the scabs of past hurts just isn't helpful.

The message is simply "he wasn't nice and treated his family (including me) very badly. He was an abusive man and it meant I had an unhappy childhood. I don't want to discuss the details and now I have my own family now and it's in the past"

They don't need to know exact details and you dont need to relive it.

You are turning this into a bit of a drama. You dont need to tell dd anything more. Stop giving his existence airtime and tell dd you would rather not discuss it anymore, you've already told her the situation and there is nothing else to say. Being mysterious about it adds to the drama and makes him sound more interesting than he is. I suggest if you want to talk about him, counselling may be helpful in talking it all through rather than your dc.

@LivingLaVidaCovid, thank you ! That’s what my instinct tells me too.
Maybe it’s because it’s “Fathers Day” that I’m thinking of this more and probably over thinking things ( I do that a lot ! )…. The sad memories come back and brings me down a bit ( even at this age ).
Thank you again, yes, probably keeping it vague is enough.

@Hughbert, I honestly am anything but a drama queen. I play my cards very close to my chest and I have been careful with what I have told my DC’s.
Maybe I’m just having a bad day and needed advice .

I wouldn't tell them any more than you've said already. Like PP I'd agree that "telling all" wouldn't be helpful at all. Talking about all the horrible details wouldn't be good for you, and also it wouldn't do the children any good either.

He isn't in their lives so I'd just keep the talk to the minimum and change the subject .

I'd take the emotion out of it too tbh. I'm NC with my dad and DD is tiny, but I plan to tell her that not all adults get on and my dad and I don't, and that's OK. He is also an alcoholic, and if she gets older and asks more I will tell her that he has an illness (alcoholism) etc. I won't be going into any detail or saying how awful a parent he was because that's unnecessary and not relevant to DD. Best to be direct and factual I think.

[quote disgirl2]@LivingLaVidaCovid, thank you ! That’s what my instinct tells me too.
Maybe it’s because it’s “Fathers Day” that I’m thinking of this more and probably over thinking things ( I do that a lot ! )…. The sad memories come back and brings me down a bit ( even at this age ).
Thank you again, yes, probably keeping it vague is enough.[/quote]
I know it's hard right.
My baggage is boxed up and in the attic for the most part but ovassionally I see a father and daughter together having a nice time I feel a twinge of sadness for what could have been.

Hold strong and be proud of the life you have now.

@starrynight21@user848272, yes, I will continue to keep it as it is. Emotional today for some reason. Thank you for replying

@LivingLaVidaCovid, funny isn’t it ? Most days I’m grand and then days like today can be difficult. I suppose DD is so close to DH that she finds it sad that I have NC with my father. Best of luck to u too and thanks again .

I don't think it's very fair to say that your DD needs to learn boundaries. For lots of people, knowing where they come from is important. He's part of her recent family tree so of course she is curious and there's nothing wrong with that. She deserves an explanation as to why he isn't involved in her life when most of her peers will have involved grandfathers. She is old enough to be told that he was abusive, physically and in other ways, and that that's why he is no longer part of your lives. Beyond that, yes it's fair enough to not share the gory details because those memories are yours (and your mum's) to share or not.

I've always thought I would just tell the truth when they are old enough to understand.

I have young kids now who wouldn't understand everything but my oldest knows that we don't see my dad because he has done some very unkind and bad things. She actually asked about prison and so , since DH and I have alwsys said we will answer all questions honestly, I said yes he did go to prison. She just asked is that because he did a bad thing? And I said yes that's right.

When they're older I will just tell them the straight facts.

I make it sound easy though don't I? It's not don't worry I hate it so much and dread to even think about doing it and explaining the whole situation, so I truly empathise.

@IWantT0BreakFree, I agree, she is curious and probably a bit sad that she has never seen her Grandad. She does understand and is a bit sad for me and herself ( only natural ) but I don’t think it’s a boundaries issue either, I’m glad she feels comfortable enough to ask me. I just want to do it the right way and be sensitive to her.
She said she’s ok with not knowing him cos she trusts my judgement….. bless her !
Thank you

@YarnOver, sorry to hear you have NC also. It’s not one bit nice but necessary for our own well-being and that of our DC’s.
I always try to give age appropriate answers, it’s just as they get older it’s hard to judge how much to tell iykwim.
Best of luck to you too, and no, it’s not easy but I also know it could be a lot worse

[quote disgirl2]@YarnOver, sorry to hear you have NC also. It’s not one bit nice but necessary for our own well-being and that of our DC’s.
I always try to give age appropriate answers, it’s just as they get older it’s hard to judge how much to tell iykwim.
Best of luck to you too, and no, it’s not easy but I also know it could be a lot worse [/quote]
It's hard to know what to say really. I don't want to lie but they're so young I also want to protect them from the nastier things in the world!!

One of your DC is nearly an adult if I've understood correctly? Would there be any worth do you think I'm asking them how much they want to know? / How much detail.

I don't think there's much risk of them seeing your Mum as a victim because you're certainly not going to paint her in that light, and would I be right in thinking that they know / see her ? I'm sure they won't think that, though I could see how you'd worry.

One thing I have done, which I don't know if you would consider, is that when my eldest DD did ask me that question and I did answer that he had been in prison, I sent a short email explaining the conversation that we had just had to DDs teacher, and pastoral care lead in school. Maybe this is because I'm a teacher myself I'm not sure .... But I just thought that if she did bring it up in school, as littler ones can tend to do... I would want them to know that I'd had that conversation. That may not be relevant as much in older children, however it may be useful to find out who can offer support in school if they did want to discuss it with anyone ?

Just ideas though, you obviously know your family and DC best! That's just what I did .

I'm in a similar situation and when the time comes I'll be telling them he's not a nice man. I don't want him having an effect on them and 'll only mention it if they ask. I'll elaborate when they're much older if it's necessary.

Thanks @YarnOver, yes my DC’s are so close to my DM, she adores them. We’re so lucky to have her in our lives, that’s why I don’t want to taint any image they have of her. She was victim but that doesn’t define her, she is also the strongest woman I know and has overcome so much in her life.
Thank you for the advice, yes, my DS is 16, so approaching adult hood. I’d like him to be a bit cautious around alcohol, not afraid of it, but to just respect limits iykwim, as my father wasn’t the only alcoholic in our family.
Thank you again for the advice

Thanks @Peach01, yes, age appropriate information is best I think. I suppose if I go into too much detail, I’m giving him power again to occupy our thoughts and time. The best of luck to you too !

My dad and mam were far from an ideal couple. Both passed before they were born. My kids in their 30s have never asked about them. My ils were fantastic gps and truly made up for any loss they ever had. Just go with the flow.

@disgirl2
I think that's a good point about occupying your thoughts. It's difficult to relive things and your happiness is so important.
One one hand I'd like them to be cautious but on the other I'd rather save them from it all.
Thank you, good luck to you also. I'm sure you'll know how much to divulge at the time.