Panic about fertility but only together 7 months

[Greyie]

It’s all I think about.

Relationship is good but only been together 7 months. He’s not one to rush in but we’ve said we love each other. Talked briefly about goals with marriage and family. Not set a timeline and I would feel like it would be too much to suddenly do that.

Please help me stay calm and not ruin the relationship by getting upset and stressed about this. I’m 35 (and five months!) feeling horrendous this morning.

Can you go and have a fertility MOT and get a better picture of how long you’ve got?
Is it only your age making you worry?

Do either of you have fertility issues?
Me & DP had spoke about it by then and knew we wanted that together. We were really enjoying our relationship, had an amazing social life together but we didn't have an abundance of time on our side. A year later we decided to start trying.

You need to calm down op. You don't even really know one another yet, 7 months is nothing.

If it’s only your age I recommend a fertility test just so you have more info. I got a HomeKit from Grip & it’s helped me ease that inner panic x

At a similar age I had a new boyfriend decided quite early to be upfront about wanting a baby and also not wanting to stay with someone who didn't (drunkenly around 6 or so months, a more serious conversation as it sounded like you had around 10 months)

Luckily it worked out well, it didn't feel so much of a risk based on what I had learnt about him up to that point - but I had been a long time single and happy so wasn't prepared to stay in a relationship if it didn't feel totally right

For your boyfriend what are you picking up from him about having children? Does he have kids already, close friends with kids?

@GappyValley

Can you go and have a fertility MOT and get a better picture of how long you’ve got? Is it only your age making you worry?

@GappyValley I have had scans with private consultant(not official mot) just to check out things and was told all seemed fine with no concerns. It doesn’t give me much comfort and I still obsess

@theculture

At a similar age I had a new boyfriend decided quite early to be upfront about wanting a baby and also not wanting to stay with someone who didn't (drunkenly around 6 or so months, a more serious conversation as it sounded like you had around 10 months)

Luckily it worked out well, it didn't feel so much of a risk based on what I had learnt about him up to that point - but I had been a long time single and happy so wasn't prepared to stay in a relationship if it didn't feel totally right

For your boyfriend what are you picking up from him about having children? Does he have kids already, close friends with kids?

@theculture he says all positive things about it, wants them, nearly all his friends have them, said he’d be ok if it happened by mistake as he was old enough now to deal with it. But nothing said directly like ‘let’s go this together.’ I am a massive worrier but feel at my age I have reason to be. It consumes me. I don’t think it would be sensible to tell him this as I actually genuinely have feelings for him, I spent a long time dating before I found him

*do not go

7 months is like 5 minutes really. Give it alot more time. If he was the wrong one, then you are stuck with a lifetime of having to deal with him. Just give it a bit more time, you owe that to yourself and the child you want to have.

I disagree. You DO need to have these conversations early because of your age. If he isnt serious it would be worse if you found out 2 or 3 years down the line, have to break up with him and find someone new at 37/38.

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife we have talked about it being something we want. Just haven’t talked about it being together or a timeline.

I just feel so stressed as I don’t think it’s appropriate to start talking about a timeline 7 months in. I feel like it would put pressure on. It all makes me feel a bit sick.

Then weigh up which is worse - feeling such extreme anxiety all the time or having a conversation you feel is too early to have

Would it put you a bit more at ease to at least set an internal timeline for having the conversation, say 9 or 12 months? You can then plan how to approach it etc. Sounds like you're in a good position if the relationship is going well and you have both said you want children, even if it's a bit early to definitively say whether that's together.

I agree with @TheresGotToBeMoreToLife. I am a similar age to you OP and was with someone (he is 36) for around 2.5 years until a couple of months ago (we lived together the last 7 months of our relationship). He knew I wanted marriage and kids with him (thought he wanted the same with me) but when push came to shove I realised he didn’t feel the same. I wish he had told me sooner/I had addressed the point directly earlier. He is entitled to his feelings but as I said to him just before we broke up, he has the luxury of time, unfortunately I don’t! I was also very anxious about this while in the relationship, and while my future is very uncertain, I figure I’m now in control and free to (hopefully) meet someone when I am ready, where we are both on the same page about eachother and our future. Good luck

Seven months is far too early.

If my son confided his latest girlfriend wanted children seven months in and wasn’t happy without them I’d tell him to walk away and find someone for whom he alone is good enough rather than what he can provide.

@TheresGotToBeMoreToLife

I disagree. You DO need to have these conversations early because of your age. If he isnt serious it would be worse if you found out 2 or 3 years down the line, have to break up with him and find someone new at 37/38.

I agree with this. The conversation might not be easy but there's nothing wrong with having it. DP mentioned it a few times before I had the guts to right enough. We decided kids before marriage because we didnt know how long it would take. Part of the reason we work well is because we're on the same page with things.

You've already told each other you love each other. You know he sees marriage and children in his future. It's all really positive. When you speak about it next tell him you're aware that because your age you know it might take longer and take it from there. If you're on birth control you'd need to come off that well I'm advance too.

I think in your 20's it is too early to talk but it's a different picture in your 30's and not just because of fertility

I had spent my 20's with people that were nice but not quite right and when I came to my mid 30's more clearly understood what I would like, I was much quicker moving forwards than I had been before because I knew my mind and as I say would rather be single than change too much to make it work as from experience I knew that kind of relationship would end sooner or later anyway. It seemed similar with other friends meeting people in their 30's too

It sounds positive from what you say, and think either initiating the chat again or as a PP said giving yourself a deadline (when the relationship is 9months/1year???) to have a plan to move forward in living together and discussing a baby

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Seven months is far too early.

If my son confided his latest girlfriend wanted children seven months in and wasn’t happy without them I’d tell him to walk away and find someone for whom he alone is good enough rather than what he can provide.

I think it's more about making sure the person you are with has the same wishes for their life. Not that they themselves are not enough alone. OP is allowed to want children and it is OK to make sure their partner wants the same.

Seven months is definitely not too early to have a conversation about timelines to make sure you're compatible.

Also just a bit the voice of doom - it does seen to me that it gets harder just to meet single people as you get older so splitting up and being single at 35 will not be the same at 38 if you find out further down the line that he isn't really ready for a baby

If he said he'd be OK with a mistake, then maybe you can agree that your not 'planning' a child, but not 'preventing' either. I.e. just have sex?

Would that work?

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Seven months is far too early.

If my son confided his latest girlfriend wanted children seven months in and wasn’t happy without them I’d tell him to walk away and find someone for whom he alone is good enough rather than what he can provide.

THE OP isn't saying she wants him to have kids with her right now 7 months in...she wants to know if he's serious about having kids with her in the near future. If it was my son I would be telling him not to waste her time and break up with her if he doesn't see marriage/kids with her. Men are entitled enough already and you should be teaching your son to respect the needs of women too.

@Greyie I would phrase the conversation being you want to be trying for kids with the "right guy" before you're 37 and if that doesn't align with his own timetable that's completely fine but you both have to break up now since this is a priority as kids are important to you and you don't have loads of time left. Also make.clear you want to be married beforehand. To be honest you should have had this conversation before you agreed to be exclusive with him as he would then know that being on this timetable is the condition of the relationship being serious and you won't accept being strung along for convenient sex and companionship.

At your ages at 7 months in, a man will definitely know whether he sees you as his future wife/mother of his kids. You don't need to know absolutely everything about someone to know this. If you treat dating how it should actually be I.e. getting to know someone properly, not just having fun for the sake of it, and focus on observing the traits that make someone a good spouse/match for you, you will know. If he's on the same page as you he will be happy with this, if he's not,it will scare him off, which is exactly what you want.

Whatever you do, do NOT move in with him before marriage or make him the centre of your world in any way. He doesn't deserve this until it's clear he matches what YOU need. A man who's still ambivalent about kids and still "someday" about it at 36 is a red flag tbh and I would steer well clear if kids are what you want. Such men don't do well with the reality of family life and the self sacrifice it involves. Most men who actively want marriage/kids would have already settled down by now so you need to be focusing your efforts on the men who are similar to you - actually enthusiastic about family life and want it relatively soon.

I would be really 100% upfront about this and sayvyou want to look at the situation in 6 -9 months time . As you say time isnt on your side as it’s not just getting pregnant it’s time to meet someone else etc. If he isn’t prepared to commit in 9 months or consider a baby— at that age it’s unlikely even a few more years will change things and you don’t really have that luxury

At your age and in an exclusive relationship (that by its nature means you’re not free to meet others who might want the same things as you) you’re absolutely right to want to discuss this and soon. I wouldn’t be hanging around much longer. After six months together you both know if you see yourself in it for the long haul and in your thirties you know if you want kids or marriage or not.

At 35 you’re looking at your last handful of fertile years so it would be daft to commit so seriously to any man unless you knew you were both on the same page and wanted the same things and had a rough timeframe. For example, ‘I’d like to try for my first by 37. Does that fit with your plans?’

You’re just risking wasting really crucial years on someone otherwise that you can’t get back. It takes time to meet and date and be sure about someone so if this isn’t going where you want it to you need to know now.

Personally I think women should feel empowered to be upfront about what they want in a relationship and not be afraid of scaring a man off, it’s better to know if you’re wasting your time. At 35 I’d be really panicking too if I wasn’t being clear and upfront.