Is this because he’s on the spectrum, or something else going on?

[Rejjyus]

Brief background, I fell for DP quite fast, I think he’s wonderful and love him a lot. We’ve only been together a year and a half and it’s been hard yards at times to communicate. I’ve read many books on the spectrum since and we have had lots of chats and things are good, but every now and then something comes up and it’s so hard.

In essence, every step of the way with DP has been a big deal. I remember right at the start when we were dating, things were regimented, ie we would meet for the day on a Saturday. Eventually he stayed over and I stayed with him...but it was a good few months in. He had to work out how it would work. Always taking into account his job. Things that wouldn’t occur to me (I’m in banking and hours/demands can be rough but still made time to see him with ease, for example). Another thing was number of nights we stayed over...it took months before he could comprehend of a way for us to spend more than one night a week together. I often wondered if he was dating others or just not interested! Once we started doing these things, he was happy with it. But it was hard yards getting to that point.

I was us to progress and have considered suggesting moving in. I’ve only hinted at it at the moment and he didn’t seem very receptive. I don’t know if I have the emotional energy to get us to the point of living together if he’s going to dig heels in like with everything else...and then do I just wait it out, hope he comes round to the idea? Will it be like this with everything?

I really do love him but I feel the things that should have been exciting and easy often haven’t been. They’ve been the centre of long conversations and considerations (mainly by him) before he will even contemplate the next step for us. This makes me sound like I’m fed up of him..I’m not. I do love him. It just makes me feel a bit shit to realise that every step of the way is so regimented and will have to come from me and I will have to be patient while he gives deep thought to whether he wants the next stage of a relationship with him. Is this normal for someone on the spectrum? In the back of my mind (maybe my own insecurity) I wonder if he just doesn’t feel the same. He says he does.

What does the spectrum have to do with it? He’s not showing you the same levels of commitment or interest in progressing the relationship: unless you enjoy these hard yards of yours then you should end it because this is how it will always be

@Shoxfordian thanks for posting in response. Things I’ve read seem to fit this way of dealing with things but after so long I hoped he would be comfortable enough to take the reins a bit.

Which spectrum?

Does he describe himself as being "on the spectrum?"

Do you whisper it when you say it?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

How do you view him now?. He is not and never has been your fixer upper or project here to potentially improve nor can you assume he is on any spectrum because you have read around the subject. You've been driving this relationship along and he seems to be very much a passenger along for the ride. As Shoxfordian has also written here, "unless you enjoy these hard yards of yours then you should end it because this is how it will always be". He is not going to change and this is who he is.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. Let each other go.

Is this a mutually supportive partnership? Because it sounds like you bend into a figure of 8 to accommodate him...

"Is this normal for someone on the spectrum?"

That is sort of like asking "is this normal for a neurotypical person?". Everyone is different.

Your partner sounds like a very different person with very different ways to my own DH (he was indeed diagnosed 'on the spectrum' at 4 years old), if that's of any interest. He was always keen for our relationship to move to the next step - moving in, engagement, marriage, now a baby on the way.

Bleugh. If he’s autistic just say that. I’m autistic, dd and ds are autistic. It’s fine to say!

Oh and no, there is no ‘normal’ for autists, just acceptable to you. So if you don’t feel his behaviour is ok for you then it’s not ok. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

This behaviour wouldn’t be normal for me (as an autist) but it may be for others, that has nothing to do with whether it’s ‘ok’ for you.

@Shoxfordian

What does the spectrum have to do with it? He’s not showing you the same levels of commitment or interest in progressing the relationship: unless you enjoy these hard yards of yours then you should end it because this is how it will always be

People on the autistic spectrum are very likely to respond differently to those things than an NT person might. That's what the spectrum has to do with it.

Is he actually autistic (with a proper diagnosis) or are you just assuming he is?

Had he actually had a diagnosis?
If not you really shouldn't try to push something like this on him .
At the end of the day we all have our quirks that doesnt necessarily mean asd

Yes he is it’s diagnosed. Definitely didn’t mean to offend anyone! Just trying to work out if it’s lack of interest or just his way of dealing with things. It does feel like I’ve driven things so far but he’s always in contact etc and does many lovely things for me. I want it to progress.

In that case your life will probably always be like this. (My youngest DS has Asperger's).

Whether it’s because he’s autistic or not, it’s behaviour which you find difficult to deal with. I couldn’t expend that amount of energy on the ‘little things’ in a relationship, which to me need to come naturally and with a sense of joy about them not apprehension. But only you know whether you can do so.

Your life with him will always be like this.

It’s only progressing because you are the main driver behind it

My DP is autistic and quite the opposite - eagerly suggested I move in quickly (granted we were already friends and it was Covid when we got together, neither of us had a car).

It doesn’t matter whether he’s on the autism spectrum or not. The only question you need to ask yourself is - can you put up with this behaviour?One trait of autism is not liking change and that’s why a step forward takes him a while to get used to. That’s the way he is.

Yes seems that way. When I had a question mark over things about six months ago he was in tears and didn’t want it to end. I do think he feels the same.

Also to add - what are all his considerations? If you ask him ´DP can we move in tomorrow’ would he say yes?’ If not what would his response be?
When his plans can’t go ahead how does he behave ?

If he is indeed very regimented to this extent I’m afraid that you may not get the support you need in case of any big life events. Like you falling ill. Life is varied and unpredictable and you need to consider whether you can shoulder that burden yourself with less than ideal support from your partner..

Christ he sounds like hard work. The whole thing sounds like an uphill struggle and I honestly wouldn't invest any more here than you already have. Reading books and books on his condition wound help at all.

I'm sure you've posted about this man before too as I recognise the scenario. Honestly, this is it. This is how he is and every single tiny step forward will have to be run by him a thousand times before he concedes an inch.

I honestly wouldn't bother

What do you want from life?

Do you want to share a life with someone, to create a home together and to have babies?

What does he want from life?

Are you goals and timescales aligned?

From the outside it feels like you are pushing water up hill on just the minutiae of life. That must be exhausting and joyless.

It doesn’t seem equal or reciprocal.

You seem to inched along but if you want a family micro managing this RS could mean you miss the boat. If it’s relevant to you I would digest that you don’t squander your precious and finite fertile years on this poor return on investment.

I would look at why you are prepared to make such personal self sacrifices and give so much for such little in return. Are you comfortable and confident with your own self worth?

*suggest not digest ....

I’ve only hinted at it at the moment and he didn’t seem very receptive

Don't hint, if you want him to understand anything, speak plainly and accurately.

Having autism means he's unlikely to be able to pick up on what you consider normal communication. Hints, inferences, looks instead of words, tone of voice meaning the opposite of the spoken words, the whole ordinary NT communication can be invisible to autistic people.

Help him and help yourself. Be direct.