Our weekends are so depressing and we have no friends

[Glitteryfox]

Does anybody else struggle with weekends? For various reasons, both my husband and I have almost no friends and our lives just feel a bit empty and depressing.

I had my first child at a very young age and had to drop out of uni. I had a large friendship group before that but all of those friends left to go to uni so I didn’t really have any friends anymore. I live on a deprived council estate so they didn’t come back and this sounds awful, but I’ve struggled to meet anybody I have much in common with since. My eldest is thirteen now and it’s still much the same. I have a friend from school I’m still in contact with but she lives far away and I have a couple of acquaintances. I don’t feel entirely comfortable with these acquaintances because of some big differences in opinion etc, but I’ve kind of glossed over it just to have somebody to talk to every now and then. I think I dwell too much on the differences and it wouldn’t be such a big deal if I had plenty of friends, but it seems that I’m always compromising and hanging around with people I can’t entirely be myself around because it’s all I’ve got.

My husband also had a large friendship group when I first met him, but has lost touch with all of them. He’s not particularly socially confident and hasn’t made any new friends since. They all turned out to be massive racists. Weirdly enough, most people I meet and chat to turn out to be racist or prejudiced in some way. I don’t know how this happens so often, but it seems really common in the area we live, and I’m just never going to be able to be friends with a people with such different values to mine.

The only people we really see are my parents/sister and my husband’s brother and wife. I chat to neighbours and things, but they’re still just acquaintances. My husband lost his job just before COVID and we struggled badly for six months before I found a full time job. I had hoped that going to work might open up an avenue of socialising, but it’s not that kind of workplace, so it won’t happen. I occasionally get a few minutes of small talk in with people as they walk through my office, but it’ll never be more than that and I’m mostly sitting in silence. I also work with one of the relatives I previously mentioned seeing, so it can be a bit suffocating, lovely as they are. My husband seems pretty depressed being a stay at home dad now, and I am the only adult he speaks to most days, but he won’t do anything about it. I would like him to get a part time job or just start volunteering to get back out there, but he is making excuses. I think he has lost all confidence, but it has also been difficult because our kids keep being sent home from school so he keeps saying that it’ll be difficult to get a job in this situation. We don’t financially need to have us both working right now, so having somebody at home for when our kids have to isolate is useful, but will both need to work if we want to move out of this area. But I mostly think that it’ll be good for him to just have a reason to get out of the house. I know I struggled mentally with being a stay at home parent for so long and he seems to be finding it even more difficult.

Weekends are just a bit depressing. The routine of work and school during the week keeps us busy but then the weekends have nothing. If we have plans, it’s just us doing something on our own again, or visiting the family members we see for a few hours. We’re all just sat in the living room in silence watching separate screens this morning and have no plans for the day. I’ve suggested some stuff, like a museum or just going to the park but my husband doesn’t want to do anything. I’m feeling pretty down and don’t feel like doing much but need to do something or I’ll only feel worse. I’m going to take my youngest and go out with a relative, just for a bit of variety, but does anybody else feel like this? I actually hate weekends because it makes me realise how empty and sad my life is. Neither of us are unusual in any way, so I don’t know how we have both found it so hard to meet people we click with for so long.

The problem with friends is that you have to put a lot of time into a friendship to make it last, and even then people move away or change. I don’t think it’s you OP, more likely it’s how your life course has ran, you had children young so didn’t have the opportunity to meet those your age or go out at night and have fun. You can still make friends but it will take work, you will need to join a club, it could be anything, painting, rock climbing, sewing, tennis. Literally anything you think you might enjoy, go to it once a week in the evenings or when your partner can look after the kids. Be prepared for it to take some time, but also try to just enjoy it.

Why does your husband not want to go to the museum? Has he always been such a buzz kill? It doesn’t sound like he’s trying to make you happy.

Sounds like your husband is depressed if he can’t be bothered to do anything.
So can you have an open conversation with him about it.
You want to do more? Can you volunteer? Join a club? Get a hobby.

I think you need to try to insist your dh goes to the doctor and gets some help with his low mood.

In the medium to long term, go back to uni maybe?

I was thinking rock climbing too. Is there a climbing wall near you? You could all sign up for an induction session and see if you enjoy it, and then it’s somewhere to go where other people are. It might not lead immediately to friendships but at least you won’t be so bored.

If they won’t do things with you, just find an activity, anything, that you want to do, and sign up. You might start a ripple effect and inspire your family to do the same, and if not at least you’ll be happier!

I started adult swimming lessons a few years ago, my DH was inspired & did a beginners climbing course, then I did the climbing course too & now we all go climbing together quite often. Or what about a choir you could join? They are often very sociable and friendly. It sounds like maybe you also need a long term plan on how to move somewhere nicer where there are people you want to be friends with.

I’ve tried joining a couple of things and went to all sorts of groups when I had young children at home but never met anybody. I had no money or transport when I was younger so it limited what I was able to do. I was also a single parent with no babysitting help available so I couldn’t leave the house after bedtime or go anywhere without my eldest. Thankfully, things have moved on since then and I don’t have those same limitations anymore.

My husband has a medical issue going on at the moment and doesn’t feel up to it, so I can’t really blame him for that. We went out to a museum last weekend and it just feels a bit like we sit there and find something to do just so that we have something to do. Not sure that I’m explaining it very well, but it’s a bit sad. When I feel down, I tend to assume he feels the same. He’s not particularly communicative at times and I get frustrated that everything comes from me.

He is a bit lost at the moment, I think, but it seems to fall to me to solve every problem. I think he is feeling down but he just says he’s not. He’s also okay in the week but I think feels similarly on the weekend. I came back home last week to him being grumpy and I pushed and pushed and told him I am sick of living with his grumpiness and then him claiming that I am imagining it and he started crying and he told me that his life isn’t even worth living anymore. That all he does it clean and tidy after other people and that is his whole life. But won’t do anything about feeling like that. Won’t see a doctor or a therapist or make any changes to his life.... but I think it is just periods of feeling a bit down rather than a constant thing.

I suggest texting a guy he knows and suggesting meeting up, and he says he might but then never does anything about it. When asked, he’ll say that he mentioned it and the bloke never replied so there’s not point, but it turns out that he just made a vague statement about meeting up at some point and expected the other guy to make the actual plan. He talks about volunteering but then never does anything about it. Talks about getting a qualification but then says he doesn’t understand it and doesn’t look further. Talks about a part time job but then doesn’t look and tells me why it would be difficult. Talked about joining a hobby group and actually contacted them but it was closed down during COVID. Every now and then he’ll say oh yeah, I meant to get back in touch with them... but it never happens. I am the driving force behind our relationship but he never used to be like this.

I don’t know, I’m just fed up. I did go out and get a qualification which enabled me to get this job. I did keep pushing and pushing and applying for jobs and preparing for days so that I absolutely nailed interviews. I had severe mental health problems and I went to the doctor, took medication, had therapy. It feels a bit like he is just expecting things to change by themselves. I mean, I think it will be ok and he will get a job or something and things will improve. I think that’s probably separate to my lack of weekend plans issue! Think I’m overthinking now and just need to get out of the house.

It really does sound like he's depressed, but if he refuses to try to get help, I don't know where you can go with it. If you made him an appointment, would he go?

Basically you've got to keep going out, doing things on your own and look after you & the dc and leave him to it. Going away for a bit sounds like a good idea.

I think this isn’t about having nothing to do at weekends. This is about your relationship.

So can you split the 2 -

First you do things for yourself. It is hard making friends as you get older it takes so much more effort, but you have to put the same amount of effort into it as you did your job, which you succeeded at!!
You are being interviewed and interviewing for friends. I reiterate an evening hobby. Course at the local college? My cousin met her best friend at pottery, do this all for you. Not your children. Not your DH. You carve out your own friendships. Don’t be disheartened if you don’t immediately meet people. Perseverance is the key. I have met friends later in life after being trapped like you. It is possible.

Your DH - can you talk to him alone about his mental health - outlook in life/ what he wants? Can he go to therapy. Being with someone who brings everything down is so tough. I left in the end. But I’m not saying do that!

I think your problem OP is partly you are a fish out of water. I used to feel
Like this when I lived in a certain place that was full of people with totally different value and priorities to me. Luckily I was able to move away to somewhere where it was much easier to meet like minded people. I think as others have said look at a few evening classes/groups and see what’s out there— don’t rely on your H- if he doesn’t want to do anything, then he is fine to be in for the kids— find things for yourself and tell him you are off out. It’s not up to you to find things for him to do—- he sounds boring and lazy — and as I know from experience it’s actually very hard to get a life yourself if you are ‘expected’ to be simply ‘there’ all the time for someone who does bugger all — so my view now is dont- leave them to their dullness

That sounds really hard, sickness can really take it out of the whole family. I know how it feels to be the sick one and it is depressing. If he feels like he’s always cleaning would you be able to afford a cleaner once a week? It might take the edge off and allow you to both go for a short walk or to the cinema/pub. I would’ve having frank discussion about how his depression is affecting you as well, be understanding but firm about it.

Can you move house? A new environment and change of scene and even new challenges might help x

Hi OP this all sounds tough.
Have you looked at meet up groups in your area for yourself?
We can only be responsible for ourselves but I understand you want to support your husband.
What about days out as a family.
You all seem you need to change things up.
Routine can get very boring.

I go out by myself or with the kids on the weekend to get away from my husband. I can't stand weekends either

Have you considered using social media to make friends - like Twitter or IG? Or writing a blog? I've seen a lot of mums makes friendships, and turn it into a bit of a hobby as well through this medium. And online friendships can turn into real life friendships too!

It does sound like your dh is depressed. The only person who can fix that is dh although if you can encourage exercise, good sleep and healthy eating that would be a good start for him.

Can you say that you want to start walking/Park run/climbing/cycling/gym and need his support to join to get him along. If you had something you were both doing it would give you a common goal and motivation. You could also meet new friends along the way.

Does he listen to music? Can you start playing music a bit more in your house whilst pottering about - dh might start getting up to join in.

Bit controversial but what about a dog? We got my nan a dog after my grandad died for companionship and to get her up and out the house - she made other dog walker friends when doing that.

It sounds like you both need a change in your lives with adventures and other people.

No wonder you're fed up op that does sound depression inducing. When dh and I moved to our town we had similar issues for a long time and I used to be very upset about it. I joined lots of clubs but never found anyone. The things that made the difference were getting a dog and taking it to training and agility, joining a run club for non runners, and having kids but I guess you have done that bit. So I also think, get a dog. You might make friends and if you don't then you'll still have something to do every weekend, long walks with a pub stop?!

As a pp said: there sounds like there are really two issues going on.

1. Wanting more friends and more fulfilling weekends. Others have suggested sport and I tend to agree. This could in the form of a sporting club for either yourself, DH or your children. Children’s sports clubs can be a wonderful way to meet new people, especially by volunteering for roles in the clubs or coaching. For your DH, sport could be a welcome social activity, as well as boosting endorphins.

If not sport, perhaps choose a class in something that you have always dreamed of doing, and maybe like-minded friendships will follow.

1. Your DH’s low mood. It sounds like you have gone through a fairly recent major role reversal and to some extent, I can understand why you DH is feeling low and unmotivated. A lot of people’s identities are tied to their work and job loss can = loss of identity and depression. However, as pp have said, while you can support your DH to some extent, you are not responsible for his mental health. If he won’t consider therapy ATM, some actions he could consider taking might be journaling, setting small daily/weekly goals set around socialising and perhaps career (retraining or applying for x amount of jobs per week) and perhaps monitoring his self-talk through a CBT app? But he continues to display a low mood, he really does need professional counselling to help him through his time.

All the best to you op.

In your shoes I’d look into further study such as university part time or hobbies outside of your area that involves meeting other women.

If you’re doing your best to better yourself and have the opportunity to get away on evenings/weekends you will be stronger to deal with him and may inspire him too. You can’t let him drag you down.

I second pp that said getting a dog if you have the right circumstances, your DH May enjoy looking after it, taking it for walks and meeting other dog owners and having that common ground. But it is expensive!

I came on to say get a dog, if possible. You’ll all have an extra friend, it’s a reason to go places, Those places are more fun with a dog, people talk to you and if your awkward you always have the dog as a common ground, you can go in organised dog walks, it will provide some structure and routine for your DH during the day. Very hard to feel miserable when you have a pet.

I think the main problem here is your DH being unemployed and so unhappy about it. However I'm not sure what you can do about this if he doesn't take any action.

Its nice to have friends but at your stage of life, most people aren't hanging out with their friends every weekend like they did back in uni days. They might meet up every few weeks or even months. So even if you had a few mates, your weekends would be much the same.

I'm came across this post as I was almost about to post the same thing. I'm sorry I don't have any answers for you but I hope you find a way through xx

Tbh I’m not sure how people manage to have friends anyway. On weekdays we work and spend the evenings feeding the kids and putting them to bed. On weekends we do the housework, the laundry, wash the car and the windows, fetch groceries, cut the lawn, spend a bit of time playing with DC and take them to see grandparents, then watch a bit of tv. I can’t see where friends would fit in that schedule.

We struggled a bit post lockdown, even though we have friends and hobbies - it’s an adjustment for everyone. We’ve bought fitbits ( cheap on Facebook marketplace) and we have competitions for step counts, the whole family is doing it! And it’s great for mental health - would something like that appeal? My teens have even started volunteering to go to the shop when we need milk!

Can you think of things you enjoyed in the past and try to recreate these in a way that works now? My husband and I have date breakfasts rather than dinner for instance as our kids sleep late. Another thing we enjoy is visiting a new town and getting there by different types of public transport,

I’d also echo getting a hobby of your own. It’s a good way to meet people x

I think it’s a myth that people are hanging out with friends every weekend. We see friends every few weeks & that’s enough for me.

I like downtime at the weekends as work is so busy. We just enjoy walking, visiting the seaside, eating out or going to the pub.