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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why do I feel so torn

5 replies

MoanaMammoth · 19/06/2021 10:18

I want to leave, I have for awhile but can’t seem to build up to it. Have young DC and low household income, I’m the main earner. My main fears are losing family as I adore his family, not having enough money, especially while dd2 is still in nursery, the upset to the kids, the thought of having to go through the whole process and moving house (we’d both need to move, probably back home near our parents) and kids moving school, the possibility of losing friends (apparently this happens during divorce) among others. How do people overcome this? It feels like climbing a wall that is way too high. I can envision the other side but cannot conceive of how to get there.

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2021 10:37

"Have young DC and low household income, I’m the main earner. My main fears are losing family as I adore his family, not having enough money, especially while dd2 is still in nursery, the upset to the kids, the thought of having to go through the whole process and moving house (we’d both need to move, probably back home near our parents) and kids moving school, the possibility of losing friends (apparently this happens during divorce) among others".

None of the above reasons are any basis to stay with him particularly as you state you've been wanting to leave. You only have to give your own self permission to leave. And if you do leave its far better to separate and divorce whilst the children are this age than say when they are older.

Why do you adore his family?. I ask only as you do not mention your parents at all here. His parents can still maintain a relationship with their grandchildren post your divorcing their son if they want to.

No obstacle is insurmountable and a divorce settlement can be sorted out. I would suggest you talk to a Solicitor regarding all the aspects of divorcing him. You need facts to work with rather than supposition and the fear of the unknown which is also doing its bit in keeping you with him.

MoanaMammoth · 19/06/2021 10:48

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks so much for your reply. I do have family and we get on but I am much closer to his family who feel like they are my own family. I do know that’s not a reason not to leave but it’s just making it harder. I’m also afraid of the possibility of the process not being amicable. I have no basis for this as Dh is not an aggressive person but it was awful when my parents got divorced. One thing I find really hard generally in life is dealing with guilt. Even standard mum guilt I find really difficult so the upheaval and upset this would cause to so many people would just be awful.

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MoanaMammoth · 19/06/2021 10:49

I think you are right to initially speak to a lawyer. I guess that would be a baby step in the right direction

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/06/2021 11:14

It would be a good idea to speak to a Solicitor because you would then have facts rather than supposition.

I hope his parents remain amenable post separation but they may not be to you due to their own loyalty to their son.

Guilt can also stem from the belief that you’ve failed to fulfill expectations you or others have set. Of course, this guilt doesn’t reflect the effort you’ve put in to overcome the challenges keeping you from achieving those goals.

Some common causes of guilt include:-
surviving trauma or disaster
conflict between personal values and choices you’ve made
mental or physical health concerns
thoughts or desires you believe you shouldn’t have
taking care of your own needs when you believe you should focus on others.

Guilt can provoke some pretty harsh self-criticism, but lecturing yourself on how catastrophically you messed up won’t improve things. You might have to face some external consequences, but self-punishment often takes the heaviest emotional toll.

Instead of shaming yourself, ask yourself what you might say to a friend in a similar situation. Perhaps you’d point out good things they’ve done, remind them of their strengths, and let them know how much you value them. You deserve the same kindness.

People, and the circumstances they find themselves in, are complex. You may have some culpability for your mistake, but so might the others involved. Reminding yourself of your worth can boost confidence, making it easier to consider situations objectively and avoid being swayed by emotional distress.

I would also suggest you contact a BACP registered therapist.

MoanaMammoth · 19/06/2021 11:46

Thank you so much again for your lovely response, that is so true and when I had some counselling recently they did mention some of those points though I have found it harder than I thought to really feel it even though logically I can know it if that makes sense.

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