So lonely in my marriage since having a baby

[BlackcurrantTea]

Any advice welcome.

Been with DH 11 years, married 6 years. Up until a few months ago I considered myself to be incredibly lucky to have a partner who was so kind, considerate and absolutely on my wavelength. We never ever argued in over a decade - we might have slight disagreements but they were always quickly resolved with no hard feelings either side.

I got pregnant in March 2020 just before all the covid stuff kicked off with a much-wanted baby. In case it's relevant, I always wanted kids, DH said he'd be happy to have or not have them but accepted it was what I wanted and was on board when we were TTC.

Then covid came along and wrecked DH's industry. He is self employed in a niche field (he has a master's in his job title) that was hit hard. His income basically disappeared but we were eligible for the government support grant for self employed people so cash wasn't an issue.

Flash forward to November, our baby was born. Healthy and perfect but an awful sleeper - for the first three months of her life she only slept when being held; this isn't an exaggeration. DH and I slept in shifts and it nearly broke us. We were both chronically sleep deprived - I suffered hallucinations as I was so exhausted on more than one occasion. We started to be snippy with each other as we were both stressed past breaking point. She also screamed for hours and there was nothing we could do to stop it.

She's still an awful sleeper and that means I have to stay close while she sleeps - if I don't resettle her within about five seconds of her stirring, she'll wake properly and take upwards of half an hour to settle. If we try to have even a whispered conversation near her, she'll wake and need properly resettling as above. This makes it so hard to talk with DH at all and he's basically resigned himself to never seeing me at all.

No sign of his industry picking up as he thought it would and DH is now extremely stressed about money. We live in a tiny city with no jobs as we didn't need them while he had lots of work. DH researched ways of making money and started matched betting and has earned a few thousand pounds in the past four or so months, but it takes every minute of his spare time. He's literally matched betting every evening and weekend and every day where he has no work.

Because he's busy all the day, the only parenting he does is sometimes have the baby sleep on him in the sling so I can make dinner/clear up yesterday's dinner. He also helps when asked to with short specific tasks (ie bathing her, holding her so I can go to the loo).

I don't feel I can ask for more help as we need the money but matched betting and a little bit of his paid work is not a permanent solution and DH has acknowledged this but keeps just hoping his industry will pick up, which it might, but it might not ...

I feel so alone and in many ways like a single parent. I haven't showered since Tuesday. The baby cried a lot when he tried to get her to nap in the sling this morning so he just brought her back to me as he has things to do which reminded me that I get every single bit of difficult parenting.

I am so lonely. He's such a lovely man who is very stressed about money and finding parenting hard but I'm so miserable and I can't see how things are going to change.

Any advice welcome. Thanks if you got to the end of this novel.

Sounds like baby’s bad sleep is a huge issue. Have you thought about sleep training? There are more gentle methods if controlled crying isn’t for you, maybe do some research.

The other issue is the money. If his industry might never recover than a more long term solution is definitely needed as him working every spare second isn’t sustainable or fair on either of you. Are you on maternity leave and could you go back early? Would relocation help with job opportunities? Could you reduce costs to survive on what he is earning without the need for the matched betting?

You need to carve out time to talk to each other. Maybe a walk with baby asleep in the sling? I wish you lots of luck, it sounds really tough.

I had no idea what matched betting was until I googled it. I am sorry you are going through this its just a terrible time for many people. I remember that first year of no sleep, its awful and puts a strain on the strongest of relationships. I assume you have spoken to your health visitor who will keep in touch with you when the baby is young. What does she recommend? I cant think that matched betting is a good long term issue for you both. There are other jobs available, my industry is through the floor and thousands and thousands of employees are still on furlough and will not be out of the woods for a very long time. Most of us have found other work, postman/woman, Tescos, Waitrose, NHS and I found work on campus with severely disabled children. There is work there is he is willing to look and travel out of your small city. The hospitality industry is crying out for workers too. Its there is you want it.Many of my pilot friends are supermarket drivers now. If he can get another job and you can just try and get through the sleepless nights for a bit longer, I promise you life will improve. Good luck x

I had a very bad sleeper too! I found it improved hugely when they reached 6 months and started solids. Think they were just a very hungry baby and hence constantly waking for feeds. After 6 months they only woke once or twice maximum which made a huge difference.
Sometimes it’s an endurance test. You definitely need a shower and to be able to have those basic breaks so please talk to dh about that, otherwise it will affect your mental health which isn’t good for anyone.
We found a rocker chair quite good as well, you can get battery operated ones. It kept dc quiet and comfortable for a while during the day time . Think it helped with gas etc too

Thank you everyone for being kind.

It's really hard. @LakeShoreD you're right that we have two major issues of the baby's sleep and work. Will start a new thread asking for advice about her sleep - I can't imagine even the gentlest sleep training methods being suitable as she doesn't even nearly self settle in the slightest but I'd willingly try if I thought there was a method that could help without stressing her out.

In terms of work, other things which make it more complicated:

1. We don't have a car and my husband can't drive regardless, so commuting would be very hard. There's only really one commutable city from where we are but he could look for work there.

2. Relocation would be a sensible idea but we wouldn't be approved for a mortgage again as neither of us has earned much at all in the last year. We could rent again but DH desperately doesn't want to (and I'd prefer not to, too). We also love where we live...

3. I was also self employed before maternity and don't earn enough to cover childcare. We had planned for me to be a SAHM until DD is school aged but obviously not sure if this is still possible.

We are reducing costs as much as possible (and we're very good at it!) but without matched betting he didn't even earn enough to cover the mortgage last month, even when you add my maternity allowance on top. Thankfully we've always been savers so could live off savings a little while.

You're very right we need to make time to talk. At the moment DH is reluctant to do anything that's not matched betting - I'm hoping to get him on a walk tomorrow and maybe we can talk th n.

@litterbird Thank you, it does give me hope to hear other people say the first year was hard as it makes me think things will get better! You're right that there are other jobs in our tiny town but DH has always been self employed and has convinced himself that nobody will ever employ him as he has no experience and no references in anything relavent to the jobs in our town.

@Jigglywobbly Thank you! Really good to hear your LO started sleeping better at 6 months - mine is six months now (nearly seven) and I keep reading people on Mumsnet with toddlers who don't sleep and fearing that will be me! Endurance test is exactly how it feels at times!

This can be fixed and things will be good again. Your husband sounds great- he helps and has tried to find additional ways of earning money. You sound like a couple that work as a team and have a great relationship. You have hit a major road bump- his work drying up at the same time as a non sleeping child is taking up all your time. The problems don’t seem to be within the relationship as you are both trying your best. Have a big chat and try to work out some possibilities if it seems like his work won’t pick up again within the next 6 months or so. You mention that you are self employed- could you start doing more work and he could take over the childcare?

I hope it works out for you, you sound like a nice couple and this year has been an absolute turd for some people!

Could you take a little break by going to your parents for a few days if they would be up to some childminding while you have a shower/ some sleep/ a meal cooked for you. That horrendous lack of sleep is desperate and maybe a change of scene would give you a lift. I understand your dps may not be in a position to do this.

How about if you return to work and he is a SAHD? Is your industry less badly affected by Covid than his?

Have you talked to your gp and hv about the sleep issue? If you can get some help with that it would be a start. I am wondering if there is some food intolerance or allergy, or something causing pain that is stopping your baby sleeping.

Your DD's sleeping will get better by the way! Probably in the next few months. When you hear about toddlers who still don't sleep through, it's usually a case of them waking once a night rather than multiple times.

Have you considered white noise? I found it helpful with mine (who would wake up if a bird tweeted several streets away).

I'm one of those ones with non sleeping toddlers.

What I will say, is that although sleep didn't get better for a long time/we aren't there yet,the bickering because of tiredness/effect on relationship didn't last that long. Mostly because we realised that the 'who does more/who is more tired' argument has no winners, and that tiredness isn't always a direct correlation (you can sometimes be more tired on one wake up then 3).

So although it's rare that we've both had a good night sleep, over time we've been more as a team, which has helped.

Improvement can also be sudden. My 2 year old went from waking 2-5 times a night (often one wake up being several hours long) to sleeping 11hr+ stretches over the course of about 10 days, all my herself. So you never know if the switch to better sleep is just round the corner.

Thank you so much everyone for all the very kind advice. Had a slightly less dreadful night's sleep last night (went to bed when the baby did so I got 11 broken hours rather than 7!) and felt much less sad today. Then DH and I took the baby on a walk this morning and had a bit of a chat about things and it cleared the air - he really is fantastic and I love him so much. It's the situation that's poo.

@junebirthdaygirl thank you for your suggestion - it's exactly what I'm about to do! The baby and I are going to stay with my parents a couple of hours away for a bit of a break and it'll be good to see them and have a bit of company and help.

I appreciate the suggestions about me going back to work instead of him. It's not practical as things stand as I earned much less than him (around 25% of his income and not enough to pay our bills) but needs be then perhaps I could get a job doing something similar in my field as that would pay better. At the moment not feasible though as my DD is EBF and bottle refusing, with a dairy intolerance, and I can't express so she needs me around generally in the day.

@endofthelinefinally My health visitor was kind but not helpful about sleep and made it seem like while my baby's sleep is bad, it's not unusual or a cause for concern. Don't know if the GP would be able to do anything as she doesn't seem to be in pain, just an extremely light sleeper who can't self settle. We do use white noise (all night every night and for all naps except in the pram!) and it definitely does help!

@Babyboomtastic Thank you - it's good to hear that the tiredness contests disappear. At the moment I find it hard not to feel cross if my husband does something audacious like say he's going for a shower, as I just think 'oh, it's okay for you, you can just go and shower whenever you like!'. I realise that's neither reaosnable nor helpful though! And thank you so much for the knowledge that your 2yo's sleep turned such a rapid corner - 11h of uninterrupted sleep sounds like as unrealistic fantasty for us at the moment as winning the lottery and it's good to dream

I heavily recommend sleep training, asap. We started at six months which is the recommended age for Ferber method, I’m guessing your baby is around that age now?

There are various methods, from disappearing chair to Ferber to extinction. It doesn’t much matter what you choose as long as you are consistent. It won’t be without tears but it doesn’t sound like she‘s not crying now anyway, so it’s about what’s better for your baby and family in the long haul.

There’s lots of evidence it’s effective and no evidence it causes any harm even though it’s painful to do as parents, but your life will improve immeasurably once you’re actually getting good reliable sleep. This isn’t sustainable and people who say it’ll eventually get better often mean in toddlerhood, can you really wait that long? Lol.

The Facebook group Respectful Sleep Training/Learning is excellent, read the files and see what you think. It’s a personal choice and you might decide to just keep going as you are but at least you know there are options available, you don’t have to live with terrible sleep indefinitely and it’s actually kinder for baby to give them chance to learn how to fall asleep by themselves so they’re not reliant on you every time they wake.

DS is 18m now and has slept through for a year, 12-13hr, plus scheduled guaranteed naps during the day. Asleep within a minute of being put down awake and the happiest smiliest love now he’s well rested and getting adequate unbroken sleep.

PS: you’re bang on with the idea that the problem is she can’t self settle. We inevitably end up feeding or rocking newborns to sleep because they sleep so frequently. Unfortunately that means for some babies they never actually learn how to fall asleep without assistance, and so when they wake in the night they’re literally unable to go back to sleep as they just don’t know how. The more you settle them yourself or rock or feed to sleep the more they never have the chance or opportunity to learn that they can fall asleep by themselves. If you don’t mind settling baby to sleep then it’s fine, it works for you. But if you’re not coping with having to go to them every 20-30m, every hour or two, in the night, then that’s an issue you can improve.

And don’t feel bad about it for a second. You literally need sleep, that’s non negotiable. There’s a reason broken sleep or no sleep is used as a torture or interrogation method. You can only sustain it for so long.

Do you have other ways to have your emotional and socialising needs met? I think it’s a big downside of modern life, there’s an expectation our partners have to be everything, which is super hard when you’re both going through the same difficult time. I’m finding going to baby groups (they’re free where I am though) and having something to do each day and meet other people helps my feeling of loneliness. My baby was born in November too. Ask your HV to put you in touch with the local well-being lead in the children’s centres, they call you up and come round for tea and make sure you know about what’s going on in area.

I haven’t used it, but I know some local mums have had success with making friends on the peanut app.

You need people to hang out with on your same schedule.

Aw, that's hard. You've had all structure taken out of your lives so you probably feel like you're in freefall and it's very disorientating.

Structure and routine are your friends! Especially when you're both stuck in the house all the time. So I would make a weekly plan that includes some free time for both of you (even if the baby screams a bit). It sounds dumb but even if it's like Monday morning, walk in the park. Tuesday morning - do the laundry it's something that fills up the space and gives you more purpose. Every day you must get out of the house at least once for fresh air, do one thing that moves the seemingly intractable things forward (like job applications, research, planning, etc) and one thing that is pleasurable (five mins in the garden by yourself, cup of hot choc, shower with nice shower gel etc).

If there are any baby groups on near you then I'd go to them, it can give you really valuable time with other people struggling with sleep etc. Once you know other people with kids the same age, you can start having tea at each others' houses and it expands your social world and gives the baby more experiences that just might help her sleep!

A very loose routine for your baby could also help - eg morning walk, play for a bit, sleep, and so on. The same things at roughly the same times.

Go easy on yourselves, having a baby is hard and a pandemic is hard and losing your job/possibly career is hard - you just have to survive this first year, you don't have to ace everything right now.

Thank you again for the very kind replies, everyone. Have started a thread over in sleep to try and get some specific sleep advice as I do appreciate that is my main problem!! Will definitely consider sleep training as I just want my poor baby to be happy and she's not at the moment and I'm only barely functioning!

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava what you describe with your DS's sleep sounds absolutely amazing - was he a bad sleeper before you sleep trained?

@BakeOffRewatch You've hit the nail on the head there! DH and I were previously each others' entire emotional/social needs. He has no friends, I have two but both of whom have massive things going on in their personal lives (one newborn and one divorce/seriously ill child!). We're both lonely because we're used to being everything for each other.

I have started going to the baby group in my town and it's slow going but I'm talking to other mums and enjoying it! Will have a look at the Peanut app, thank you.

@Crowsaregreat Thank you!! I am a very lists and schedules kind of gal, and I love that suggestion. Knowing that e.g. I take the baby to the library on a Monday and to browse charity shops on a Tuesday, and so on is something I think would help. I really appreciate the suggestion and your kindness.

DH and I were previously each others' entire emotional/social needs.
Different circumstances but we’ve done a couple of expat stints, including one with a newborn and this totally resonates. It’s so tough isn’t? Making friends with our neighbours who had a DD the same age as us really helped. But honestly it was going back to work that saved me.

Controlled crying was brilliant and not cruel I learnt to recognise when my little ones were in pain hungry or just whinging people say it's wrong but I have two happy 9 and 12 year olds now. If you don't break this it will only get worse

I'd also worry about a gambling issue it isn't sustainable or healthy

He was, he basically wouldn’t sleep longer than two hours at a time (often shorter) and then required resettling which could take a long time. If he wasn’t hungry we couldn’t feed him back to sleep so often he’d wake sat 11pm and we’d be stuck with him awake until three or four hours passed and he got peckish. It was honestly the closest thing to hell I’ve experienced. I was triple feeding too for nine months which didn’t help as even if he was asleep I was setting alarms to get up and pump, couldn’t go to sleep once he went back to sleep due to pumping, but even without that it was just not sustainable. I’d be panicking all day terrified about the night and knowing I had to somehow find the ability to stay awake for hours and hours, being wrenched from sleep again after four minutes of sleep, just horrific.

No exaggeration, sleep training is the best thing we’ve ever done. We’ve gone from barely coping to absolutely thriving in every way. I can’t believe how amazing being a parent is with a child who sleeps! I get to have a relaxed evening doing as I please from 6.30pm bedtime then as many hours sleep as I need or want until I go get him at 7am.

My only other piece of advice is to not delay if it’s something you’re considering, they’re quicker learners younger when they haven’t had many more months of solidifying those sleep associations. You absolutely can sleep train an older baby or toddler but from the experiences I’ve seen it’s much harder. DS took about four or five nights and has had 12m of wonderful quality sleep and maybe cries for 30-40 seconds a couple times per week!