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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Past is catching up with me

25 replies

Dodappydah · 19/06/2021 00:43

Hi all, name changed due to sensitive nature. Sorry if this is in the wrong place and please bear with me as if may be longish. Some details will be vague due to safety reasons.

Possible trigger warning for SA.

12 years ago I was raped by a stranger who followed me home from a bar when my DH and lived in a part of the south east, I went straight to the police with a friend who helped me get there and they carried out all the checks, medical and otherwise to gather evidence and statement etc. When finished my friend took me home and I told my DH what happened, he was perfect in the situation and didn't reach dispute his anger and upset and did everything I needed him to at that time.

Fast forward a few days and the police were able to identify the attacker with the help of CCTV and my memory of some details. When the case eventually makes it to court I insist on wanting to be there to give what evidence I can as well as well as looking him in the eye. To cut this but short it gets thrown out due to lack of evidence as the police somehow managed to contaminate some evidence so it can't be used, so he is completely let off.

Following the above its brought to our attention that the attacker is a fairly well known (in the wider area) member of some sort of crime family (for want of a better description) and we are warned to steer well clear from this point in pushing it any further (the case is still on going with the IPCC).

Through all of this my DH has been the only thing holding me together and did all I needed him to, he had no history of violence or a bad temper, didn't swear and never shouted at anyone. But I could tell he wasnt himself and it was eating away at him. We moved away from the area around 1 year later. After we moved my DH wanted to return to where we used to live as he had friends still there and went out one Saturday for a lunch time meal, while out he saw this man and it all came out (I find this out later) he saw him coming out of a pub and so followed him for a while until it was a bit quieter but still middle of the day, he knocks into him and lays into him, breaks his arm, nose, cheekbone and a few more things but leaves him in a mess, he is arrested within the hour as he made no attempt to run or hide etc and eventually gets sentenced to 4 years, out in 18 months for good behaviour.

I forgave him for it for many reasons, he has a criminal record so getting a normal job was out of the question but he started and sold a successful financial app so work doesnt matter now.

The reason I am posting this is because this man has now been seen by me close to the village we now live in, we are around 200 miles from where it happened and it's scared me to death, I don't know if he is looking for us, coincidence, just one of those tbing etc, I haven't told my DH as I'm scared to death about what he will do and I just don't know what to do, it was def him, iv seen too much of him in court over the years for it not to be. My DH has been nothing but loving and caring to me and our children and there is no anger in him since that happened but will it be if he sees him?

Sorry for the bad plot of a movie that is my life on paper but I needed to get it down if that's ok. Please be kind

OP posts:

Geppili · 19/06/2021 01:03

Jesus! You poor thing. I don't really know what to say, but others will have advice. Is it worth contacting the police?

Percypigg · 19/06/2021 01:43

You need to tell your DH and also call the police and ask for their advice. It all sounds truly awful.

faithfulbird20 · 19/06/2021 01:50

I'd do what @Percypigg suggested. But if he's from a crime family and with corrupt officers you never know what will happen. Like how ur proof got 'contaminated' sounded suspicious.

I'd tell hubby and move. I'm so sorry this happened to u and you've had to deal with this.

faithfulbird20 · 19/06/2021 01:51

You don't have to tell us you forgave ur husband. I'm sure in this instance no one will point fingers at him.

Isadora2007 · 19/06/2021 01:55

Your husband did nothing wrong in my eyes. And in the eyes of the law he’s done his time. I think you should tell the police and have it logged in case there is anything further.
I really hope there isn’t and your and your husband can have a happy life away from that sorry excuse for a human.

moonbedazzled · 19/06/2021 01:59

I can't think why anyone would say anything unkind to you. You have been through a horrific ordeal and your husband did what most people would want to do.

I think I would tell the police so that, although they couldn't do anything, they know the guy has come to your area rather than the other way round. I'd record the name of you whom you spoke to and the date and time. And I guess you have to tell your husband so he is prepared. And hopefully for his sake he will be able to deal with better it this time. But I really don't know,what else you can do if you can't take a protection order out.

I really hope it's just an awful coincidence and the matter ends here. Best of luck.

summerisler · 19/06/2021 02:01

My god - what a terrible time of it you’ve had. OP, your head must be in bits over this. I would absolutely call the Police to notify them of what you’ve seen and your concerns. At the very least they should put a marker on your address so any emergency calls made from your home are automatically prioritised. I believe they would also find this man and give him a warning - they could also discuss this beforehand at a MARAC (Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference) if you meet the criteria for a discussion of your safety needs (highly likely). Sending you strength xxx

MorriseysGladioli · 19/06/2021 02:04

I would tell the police, and perhaps they would then be able to impress upon your husband that he must stay away from this person and let them deal with any incidents, should they arise.

TVS19 · 19/06/2021 02:43

Wow.

My advice? Tell your DH and emigrate. Immediately.

I'm so very sorry this has happened to not only you, but DH and your children.

Emigrate.

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 03:22

Police..

please do not hesitate.. this might just be retaliation.. so speak out.

Im appalled by what happened to you, and seeing the conviction statistics published a few days ago, does not inspire any future hope, either.

Im so sorry for you and your Husband. Please stay safe. 🌸

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 03:23

Do you have Cameras CCTV etc..

can you ask for Panic buttons to be installed in your home.

just a thought

Throughtheday · 19/06/2021 03:31

This is terrifying. Are you already in witness protection or can you instigate it, given that these people know you and your DH’s identity? Maybe the police in your new area will be less likely to be in the crime family’s pay?

Throughtheday · 19/06/2021 03:32

Personally I’d be tempted to emigrate as well.

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 18:25

@Dodappydah

how are you 🌸

Original poster

Dodappydah · 19/06/2021 22:29

I'm ok thankyou and thankyou to everyone.

We have thought about emigrating but that's tough with DH criminal record.

I have spoken with the police but as nothing has happened and that he wasn't found guilty of the SA years ago they claim they can't so anything. I was advised to keep a diary of sorts of anything that happens or more sightings.

We live in a gated community and have CCTV and an alarm thankfully.

I did tell my DH this afternoon and he seemed slightly taken aback but calm about it, we have a holiday home elsewhere a good distant away and our children arent at primary school yet so that's not an issue so we are likely going to stay there for a while in a few days just to be on the safe side. I'm more worried about DH than me tbh.

I honestly thought we had moved on, it took a long time to get into a place where I almost never think about it, I spend a large part of the week with a couple of local charities in an advisory capacity and that has really helped me but I feel this has put me back alot, not sure how DH is doing as he seems ok but a little distant at times this afternoon.

OP posts:

QueenBee52 · 19/06/2021 23:04

not surprising... he lost his liberty for a long time ... and as you say, you believe you're moving on and bam..

I do hope it's a fluke never to be repeated and you both are okay and can truly move forward 🌸

tct131416 · 19/06/2021 23:41

The injustice of your story makes my blood boil.

I wouldn't worry about anyone judging your DH, it's sickening that the person who got put away was your supportive and loving DH rather than the animal who raped you.
What a horrible time you've been through, you must be incredibly strong especially after your pillar of support was taken away for 1.5 years.

I'm not qualified enough to know how to advise you, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for the shit hand your family has been dealt.

Wishing you better times ahead 💐💐

HollowTalk · 19/06/2021 23:44

You can go to New Zealand if your prison sentence is less than 5 years.

HollowTalk · 19/06/2021 23:45

Your husband has the money to seek out a good lawyer and ask for advice on this. It's very frightening and I'd try to act quickly, tbh.

GingerAndTheBiscuits · 19/06/2021 23:46

You said you saw him but did he see you? Can you ask the police about “target hardening” your home and putting a flag on your address for urgent response?

PatchyTwat · 19/06/2021 23:51

It’s fucked up that it’s you and your DH being effectively punished in this situation, the police treatment of rape is just horrific (been there done that).

Holiday home sounds like a good idea and a hope that it’s just a coincidence. From my own experience I wouldn’t tell the police they’ll do fuck all and I couldn’t trust them. Have nothing logged and hope for a quiet night and a bucket of lime for that man. Sorry op

FifteenToes · 19/06/2021 23:58

Is it wise to be posting about this on a public forum?

EKGEMS · 20/06/2021 01:35

Get a big dog-I'd have a Doberman or a German shepherd type.

WellThisIsShit · 20/06/2021 01:57

I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all this, and that it’s continued to effect your life. Truly so ruddy unfair

TheTuesdayPringle · 20/06/2021 02:15

First of all I'm sorry for what you have been through - and are still going through. And tbh I am glad your husband beat the shit out of your attacker. In my mind, the only pity is that he had to do jail time.

I'm not sure what to suggest about handling the situation now, but I do know that the past never fully goes away. There are lulls but it is always there. So forgive yourself for feeling upset by this horrible development.

Equally, it does not mean you cannot live a very good life (as you have already experienced).

I think trauma is a lot like grief, it comes in waves. But you learn to ride them and you gain confidence in knowing you have ridden them before.

Honestly I think you need specialist advice from a sexual harm help service or women's aid, an organisation that understands the reality of surviving stalkers and abusers.

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