Self esteem?

[SheldonBobbleHead]

I have a problem that I don't know how to tackle. Or even if it can be tackled. I wondered if anyone else has felt similarly and if they were able to change it.

I'm in my late 40s.

I don't know if it's a self esteem issue but I've never felt good enough. I grew up in a very toxic family and have had therapy to deal with this and for self esteem issues several times since I was 17. I have now made peace with the toxicity of my youth and understand where it came from, why it happened, and the impact it has had. I'm OK with that now.

I've never been able to have relationships. I've tried many times but either I sabotage them because I don't feel good enough or I end up with men who clearly don't think I'm good enough and who I now see were wrong for me and why.

Outside of a relationship, I feel fine. Well, actually when I'm completely alone and away from other people I feel fine. I struggle at work because I feel that they don't want me there so I only take on short term (max 18 month) contracts so that I don't end up in a position where they wish they were rid of me but can't be.

I don't feel jealous in relationships because I have no expectations of love or commitment. On one hand this is good because I can't be hurt but on the other hand I'm hurting all the time. I'm insecure but I direct it at myself rather than the man I'm with.

I don't feel attractive or desirable. I don't feel loveable or worthy.

I recently completed another bout of therapy. For the first time ever, I am at peace with how I feel about myself but rather than having the desired outcome of making me feel that I am worthy of being loved etc it's just cemented the belief that I'm not but has also given me an quiet, contented acceptance of it that I've never had before. This in itself makes me sad.

A few weeks ago, I became reacquainted a man I'd known a few years ago. We've been seeing each other for a couple of months. I said I only wanted fwb/something casual because I can't cope with more.

I don't know what his feelings are but his behaviours suggest to me more than casual. He behaves more like I expect a boyfriend would - he brings me gifts, does nice things for me, is only ever nice to me, compliments me, is kind and thoughtful... but I don't know. I didn't see him for 2 weeks because I felt I needed to put some distance between us.

I have such a deep seated core belief that I'm not good enough but have now made peace with this and have accepted it. I just feel a deep sadness.

Let it go ...
Life is short and to be enjoyed
Don't put a label on this man , just enjoy the time together
Good luck 💐

It's not really about him or labels. It's about me.

I'm not enjoying it. The compliments make me feel uncomfortable; the attention makes feel stifled. But he is lovely and it's not to much. I only see him once a week.

I completely hear you OP

My family system was totally messed up and I find relationships very hard. I have only had ''relationships'' where I chased after people who didn't want a relationship (with me) or with people who were too controlling and/or abusive.
I do seem normal but but I feel i have to work much harder to get to a low level or a minimum level in life. I have been excluded from groups by covert scapegoating narcs on a couple of occasions. But most people are nice to me. I mean, there is some weakness in me that bullies detect.

i'm having therapy once a fortnight atm. It's helping. I think it's a bit of a crutch. I need it now. It felt self-indulgent to start with but I feel a bit less anxious this last year.

Did you go in to therapy with a list of goals for your therapist?

like ''make me less anxious, make me more resilient''. My therapist just seems to want me to be kinder to myself. And at first I thought no no no that's not right I need to be harder on myself. But i am coming around. I do still want to eventually get a better control on my emotions and be braver and be more resilient etc...

Suggest you read THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM by Nathaniel Branden

Here is an article by the author:

www.nathanielbranden.com/what-self-esteem-is-and-is-not#:~:text=In%20%E2%80%9CThe%20Six%20Pillars%20of,of%20purposefulness%2C%20and%20of%20integrity.

Also, Alan Robarge on youtube and Brianna McWilliams on youtube.
Alan Robarge even has a video titled, ''how to become more secure in your attachment style when you're not in a relationship'' which I thought was a great idea for a video as I had wondered how you were supposed to do that.

I have found in the past that I cannot BEAR the uncertainty in a new relationship. Just completely intolerable. But I stuck around, until they dumped me. so I can forgive myself for ending up in relationships with controlling men. I was spared that awful uncertainty. They wouldn't LET me leave. A prisoner, but spared the uncertainty. I'm single now.

[quote FlowerArranger]Suggest you read THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM by Nathaniel Branden

Here is an article by the author:

www.nathanielbranden.com/what-self-esteem-is-and-is-not#:~:text=In%20%E2%80%9CThe%20Six%20Pillars%20of,of%20purposefulness%2C%20and%20of%20integrity.[/quote]
Thanks. I've just read this. I think this is what I'm finding difficult. It's hard to explain. I keep being told that I have low self esteem by others but, when I read that article, I follow all of those practises in my everyday life. I don't blame others, i take responsibility, live consciously etc etc

But it doesn't change how I feel about myself or what I believe about myself.

So maybe it isn't self esteem. Maybe it's something else.

All the many years have therapy have been able to achieve is enabling me to accept how I am so I no longer feel I'm carrying a huge, suffocating weight around with me; I am no longer upset by things that used to bother me; I no longer feel ashamed etc.

I feel capable and confident and will take responsibility when I fuck up or need guidance without feeling that it reflects on my worth as a person, for example. I don't worry unduly what other people think of me in terms of my character or my beliefs etc. I don't seek validation from relationships etc that I'm loved, attractive etc

@Staycalm99

I completely hear you OP

My family system was totally messed up and I find relationships very hard. I have only had ''relationships'' where I chased after people who didn't want a relationship (with me) or with people who were too controlling and/or abusive.
I do seem normal but but I feel i have to work much harder to get to a low level or a minimum level in life. I have been excluded from groups by covert scapegoating narcs on a couple of occasions. But most people are nice to me. I mean, there is some weakness in me that bullies detect.

i'm having therapy once a fortnight atm. It's helping. I think it's a bit of a crutch. I need it now. It felt self-indulgent to start with but I feel a bit less anxious this last year.

Did you go in to therapy with a list of goals for your therapist?

like ''make me less anxious, make me more resilient''. My therapist just seems to want me to be kinder to myself. And at first I thought no no no that's not right I need to be harder on myself. But i am coming around. I do still want to eventually get a better control on my emotions and be braver and be more resilient etc...

Yes ,I did go in with a set of goals.

But, like I say, all it was able to do was to give me an acceptance of how I am rather than the ability to change any of it.

This was the first time I've done therapy when I haven't experienced the shame of self indulgence at the beginning!