I think my ex-boyfriends have ruined my chances

[countbackfromten]

I’m mid 30s, great career and have an amazing family and a lovely circle of friends. I am single and have been pretty much constantly since my last long term relationship ended 6 years ago.

I have had two long term relationships. The first was physically and emotionally abusive and it took me a year to even be able to talk about it after I left. Even longer to rebuild and especially as for two years I had to see him regularly. I had some short term things but nothing that clicked and I made friends with a guy and became really close.

We eventually got into a relationship and it was the worst decision I could have made. He was incredibly emotionally abusive and ground down my confidence each and every day until I felt like a shadow of the person I once was. I left and it was the best thing I could have done but sadly the damage was done.

Since then I have dated but they all seem to end in disaster and I have started to accept that I may just end up being single. I tell myself and others that I am ok with that, but I’m really not. It hurts and now I am increasingly furious with those from my past who hurt me so much. I didn’t deserve any of what happened and I’m worried that it has ruined my chances of meeting anyone.

I know I’m probably being irrational but right now I feel so sad about it. I keep trying to give myself a kick up the backside and let go of the past but it is hard. I know I’m relatively young still and anything could happen but I do worry that I won’t meet someone as the chances feel so much slimmer now.

I have had some therapy recently which helped but I just can’t shake this feeling.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way. What was the outcome of the therapy? Maybe you should continue with that and that will help you work on yourself and deal with the things that happened in the past. Try not to be too hard on yourself and remember that you deserve the best and shouldn’t settle for anything less.

I'm sorry to read you're finding things so tough, OP. Without wishing to sound trite, it's possible that your recent dating experiences aren't anything to do with your precious experiences (dating can be a minefield at the best of times!), unless you are thinking more specifically about something?

If it's any consolation I had a horrendous relationship history in my late teens (parent seriously unwell, I wanted distraction and dated lots of guys, particularly older ones who could show me a good time ) where I kept repeating the same patterns over and over. Then I swore off men (having concluded they either cheat on you or leave you), moved and was single for a few years. Subsequently I met a nice, normal man and we've been married for a decade now, two kids, regular happy family life.

I recognise that your older now than I was then but I suppose my point is that it is possible to form a "good" relationship after several "bad" ones.

@Welshgal85 thank you. I am working on my self esteem based on the therapy and actually getting angry at them both was a first step towards not blaming myself for what happened which I have done for a long time.

*you're

@Strikethrough I guess what I’m thinking is that so much time was wasted by them and then having to recover from what they did that it means now I’m in my mid to late 30s and less likely to meet someone compared to a few years ago. Sounds pathetic doesn’t it?

Also, I guess I worry that my chance of having a family is gone. The menopause tends to come quite early in my family and I’m nearing the time my mum went through it.

No, it's not pathetic at all. Apologies, I meant to expand on my final paragraph but a small child had a disaster in the background

I think it's completely understandable that you feel that not only did they ruin your twenties by being in them, and to an extent have taken up a lot of your thirties in recovery time, you fear they may also affect your life further in terms of you potentially missing out on the chance to have a family. It really isn't fair.

I'm sorry, I feel like I don't really have anything useful to say to you but I do think that your feelings are completely valid

Thanks @Strikethrough, just saying it helps as I don’t think I can really talk to friends about it as they don’t get it.

Hope the small child related disaster is ok now and thank you for taking the time to reply, means a lot.

One of my favorite things to tell women is to REFRAME YOUR EXPERIENCE. In your case you are lamenting what happened, angry at them, thinking about them, wondering why they treated you like that, believing that they ruined your life and took from you, etc. Notice how much energy you devoted to them while IN the relationship, and how much of your life energy you are still wasting by thinking about that garbage.

By REFRAMING the lessons they taught you, you can make progress.

Instead of oh he abused me you say "from that experience I have learned to have stronger boundaries and leave any man who does not treat me with respect IMMEDIATELY"

Instead of oh he talked to me crazy you say "from that experience I have learned to stand up for myself, find my voice, speak up, say NO! say STOP! and say I"M OUT OF HERE BUDDY!"

You see what I mean? You can continue feeling sorry for yourself OR you can take those experiences and turn them into a source of power like a Super Saiyan! Demolishing any and all fools that would DARE try you in the future.

Those things... you can't change them. What you CAN do though is make sure every choice you make in the future is in your own best interest. No more wasting time being "nice." If they do or say ONE thing that rubs you the wrong way, they get fired.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk!

I feel the same OP...recently ended an abusive marriage, and looking back my two previous long term relationships before marriage were also quite emotionally abusive/generally shit. I'm now mid thirties, not in a great financial situation, dragging emotional baggage around that I don't know how I'll even get through, looking older and less attractive all time... I don't see why a nice man would be interested in me, and how I would ever be able to be vulnerable and trust ever again. It feels like I had my shot at life and I wasted it, and now I'll never have a family or a stable life with someone supportive and kind.