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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I don't know if I should leave

12 replies

sajola91 · 18/06/2021 17:07

Sorry if this is a long post.

I've been with my partner for 4 years but I feel like I don't know what a normal relationship is like anymore. When I first met him I was sure he was the love of my life and the thing I liked the most about him is that he was so honest, caring, we had so much in common. Felt like the most balanced and mature relationship I ever had, like we were best friends and lovers at the same time. Now I find myself crying almost every week and uncapable of talking to him about what upsets me anymore because he always acts like I'm over reacting and not taking me seriously. About 2 years ago the issue was decreased sex, in all my previous relationships I was used to getting a lot of physical attention from my partners and I didn't mind that he wasn't as sexually active but there were times when I tried to initiate and he would just say no. Then it got to the point where he never ever wants to do it, doesn't ever compliment me, we don't cuddle in bed and if I'm always the one saying 'I love you', hugging him, kissing him, grabbing his hand, suggesting dates etc. There is 0 effort from him. I know that romance and sex decrease over the years but didn't think it would be all over so soon. The other thing that bugs me is that I think he grew up in a household where his mum was the only one cleaning and he was never expected to do anything. Therefore he's really bad when it comes to cleaning the house and doing chores, I've tried many times to talk about it with him trying to make him understand that it's not that he needs to help me but rather look after his own house. Every time he does more for about a week then goes back to doing nothing. I could walk in front of him 3 times whilst he's sat on the sofa watching tv, with a load of washing to hand or the hoover, and he doesn't even ask if I need a hand. Even when we watch tv he'd say something to me about the program and I reply but when I say something he doesn't listen to me and when I ask him why he's not replying he says it's because he's watching tv and concentrating. It all feels very one-sided and like I'm his flatmate rather than girlfriend. The depressing thing is that in the past 2 years I've been suffering with weight gain and hair falling out, all things I've talked to him about but he shrugs it off. But now I'm somehow thinking he's just not attracted to me anymore but too coward to tell me. Previously when we discussed things and had arguments he used to get very upset at the idea that he hurt me and genuinely tried to do better. Now the first thing he does is deny and then try to blame me for the issue. Another thing I thought about is that he's not happy with his career but he is also quite passive about it (he hasn't done much to look for another job). I don't know what to do anymore, it's been 4 years and things are only getting worse. I feel very scared to leave him, I still love him, but I'm scared that 4 years from now I will regret not leaving?

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 18/06/2021 17:13

I dont think you’d regret leaving. Your with someone who makes you utterly miserable in every way possible - why would you regret moving on from that?

DK123 · 18/06/2021 17:13

OP he really doesn't sound like a very nice person at all. I was in a relationship where I felt very similar to you and I tried and tried to talk to him, to fix things and he just came over as thoroughly indifferent. Things improved for a week if I made a big enough fuss, but nothing ever stayed improved. My only regret is that I stayed, I wasted years flogging a dead horse thinking if I tried hard enough I could fix it. You can't. You're only half of the relationship. It's impossible to fix a relationship when the other person isn't trying.

goody2shooz · 18/06/2021 17:20

You’re miserable, he makes no effort with anything and now blames you?! Definitely move on. You’ll never be happy with this gaslighting man. While you’re busy being unhappy, a better life is passing you by. You have no kids so reach for the stars and make plans to to move as soon as you can. Don’t waste any more time, you don’t love him - what is there to love about him? He’s a habit, a bad habit! You’re just used to him. It started well, and now it’s done.

Bananalanacake · 18/06/2021 17:33

Who owns the property you live in, don't stay if he makes you miserable.

sajola91 · 18/06/2021 18:00

@Bananalanacake

Who owns the property you live in, don't stay if he makes you miserable.
he does :/
OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 18/06/2021 20:19

That makes it easier for you to leave if you don't have a joint mortgage, or have you paid towards it and don't want to lose it. If money is making it difficult to leave could you look at house shares or being a lodger, cheaper than renting alone.

Whydidimarryhim · 18/06/2021 20:40

Have you been contact with your gp re your hair loss and weight gain?
It’s not you - it’s him - he cannot communicate with you effectively and it must feel so rejecting.
How do you feel about ending the relationship? You deserve better and we shouldn’t have to beg for affection.
I think after 4 years he has shown his true colours. Lazy and entitled.
💐

Ohpulltheotherone · 18/06/2021 20:48

You won’t regret leaving so just leave.
Here are the facts:

You don’t have any sexual intimacy
You don’t have any romantic intimacy
He doesn’t appear to care about your health - physical or mental
He is lazy and does not contribute to housework of life admin - despite it actually being his house and 50% of his mess.
You are unhappy.

You might well love him for his good points but the relationship has run it’s course. That’s ok. You don’t need to wait until you absolutely despise him, you can decide that whilst you still have some love for him, you’re not happy and you’re not getting what you need from the relationship.
And honestly he doesn’t sound happy either.

My advice?… get yourself in order, sort out your finances, start looking at places to rent, start planning some hobbies or exciting things you’ll be able to do in the future- a trip with friends? Join a gym or a fitness class? Take up Morris dancing??? It doesn’t matter, just start thinking, really thinking about the fun and exciting life you can lead in the future.
And once you’ve sorted yourself somewhere to live, pack your stuff and leave.

You get one life, why spend it unhappy with someone who doesn’t even respect you enough to run the hoover over and pick up his dirty pants every no and again

Ohpulltheotherone · 18/06/2021 20:50

Oh and yes as pp said, consult a doctor about your symptoms. Could be vitamin deficiency, could be stress, could be hormonal - make an appointment if you haven’t already.

tootiredtospeak · 18/06/2021 20:53

Honestly just leave life is way to short to stay with someone who is making that little effort and you have no ties too.

Aprilx · 18/06/2021 21:01

The relationship sounds like it is all but over and just needs one of you to say it out loud. Might as well be you.

MamaD12 · 18/06/2021 21:09

Okay so I was in a kind of similar situation, I had been with him 4 years, felt like we were just mates and tbh he annoyed the life out of me, I was just in a mood whenever we did anything together and didn’t really like who I was either anymore. I left because, like you, I didn’t want to regret wasting another4 years. He moved out just over a month ago and it’s been hard but honestly already I feel more like myself than I have for a couple of years. I can just please myself and don’t have to worry about another person! The initial leaving is the hardest part but you might actually find that you’re much happier without him!

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