What if your pil are control freaks, how does it make you feel & how do you cope

[bigboydiditandranaway]

My friends pil are a retired teacher and head master, which i think is why they are controlling and difficult to be with, always wanting to be centre of attention, talk the loudest and the most, to the degree of you feeling like you are back in a classroom

My friend is polite to them and friendly but is seathing underneath at them and looking forward to the minute they go.

Does anyone have any survival techniques for her over xmas as they will be spending most of the day together(her dd is nearly 2)Her dh is in agreement of them being controlling and difficult.

Seriously, though,

I find it helpful if I plan out in my own head how I want to play the day. Even though I'd like to be able to be relaxed and sponataneous - just see how things pan out type of thing - I have to plan it now.
Be proactive, upfront, and try try try to ignore any stupid comments, remembering that you've probably become hypersensitive to whatever they say.

So, in your friend's situation, I'd decide when I wanted present opening done, and announce the plan early on, trying to leave no room for negotiation.

Hmmm. Play them at their own game. Not sounding very mature is it? Told you I needed help too.

I can sympathise, my MiL is also a teacher and also a control freak!!

She even makes my DC's do 'school work' when they visit so that she can check their progress! Funnily enough they haven't visited her for 4 weeks......

I would say stamp your authority in your own home or they will walk all over you. Show them that you are a 'grown-up' and an their equal and should be treated as such.

Echo turtle's ideas about having the day planned. If met with their thoughts about what to do when counter with 'well if we come to yours for Christmas next year we can certainly do that, but we've decided that we're doing this in our house'.

Lots of wine should also help.

Wine.

That's it!

The answer I've been looking for.

Good idea about planning the day and wine

My friend has to contend with snippy comments, generally off fil but mil has started to join forces now. Also when my friend says something or does something that mil doesn't like she lierally says 'huff'.

My friend generally ignores the above or occasionally says something back. But sometimes pil will do things that she doesn't want done, i.e parenting things like giving a 22mth car keys to walk round with, antagonising her child when they know full well child is very tired and unwell, things like that she does say, i'd prefer it if you didn't do that, etc.

The thing that also annoys her is that they can't leave the child alone and they get really jealous when the child wants to be with her, calling him a mummy's boy?? (she does stand back and let them play together, but she says it is so overwhelming the way they are, her dh says they are overbearing and loud)

I find with children and adults alike, the key is to have your own set of clear house rules. And say "We" a lot.

ie

"We are opening presents at X time today."
"I am cooking turkey, and we will be eating at 1pm prompt."
"This is a shoes off house"
"Ds/dd doesn't like that. We do X with him, and we don't make comments about his behavior."
"Children aren't allowed sharp objects in this house, sorry."
"Oh, it's a shame you're not very pleased about that, but I find it very important not to change the children's routine just because we have guests." (then carry on doing whatever it was)

Pretend you are the housekeeper, enforcing someone else's rules. If you were, you'd be sure to enforce them, and the rules are no less important just because it's your own house.

'Oh dear is granny being a bit over-bearing again - no wonder you want a cuddle from mummy' might help as well - talking to the child!

Your poor friend. I nearly married a guy who had a controlling mother - she even said to him 'get a sperm test to see if you are fertile' and we weren't even engaged. Luckily, i have a wonderful hubbie now (someone else). NB. He has since had a baby -so i guess sperm test not needed! The only thing i would say is that your friend's hubby has to be the assertive one. Your friend cannot so much as she may be 'the bad daughter-in-law'. Please wish her luck from me - its not easy - I had a lucky escape!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bigboydidit - are you sure I'm not your friend?

The bit about being jealous when the child wants someone else really struck a chord. For some reason, even though my ILs only see the children 2 or 3 times a year (and we will not be moving closer) they seem to expect my children to run to them all the time. No time to get used to them. No space to do their own thing. And although they're grown adults in their sixties, they manage to come across like sulky children when not given enough attention by the grandchildren.

Sorry. This isn't supposed to be about me. Suffice to say, MIL comes this weekend (FIL was here last weekend - they are married, just choose to visit separately ). I will not be changing my routine very much to accommodate her - and she'll have to come along to my uni friends' reunion on Saturday afternoon, too. And mostly, I'll be trying very hard to ignore everything she says to my children so that I don't get even more . Dh finds them both very difficult too, which sometimes adds to my stress.

Thanks purpleturtle for your kind messages and understanding

Pil can be very difficult can't they, it is as though they are the children.

When i'm a gp there is no way i would want to put my dil through anything like what has been mentioned here. I just seems they're more of a PITA than any help, i know it is special for a child to have doting gp's but honestly, to upset their parents so much in the process, it just seems madness

I hope your mil is more bareable for you this visit

Lovemymum - My friend sometimes feels as though she is resented by her inl's for doing things the way her & her dh want, although her dh does say things, but has to be pronted first

Titchy - I'm not sure whether that would cause probs, as her dh asked his mum not to be overbearing when they first got married, what do you think?

Hmmm - maybe if her dh said that type of thing instead of her?

YOur friend has my sympathy.

Although dont make assumptions that all retired teachers are "controlling and difficult to be with". My parents are retired teachers and couldnt be kinder, gentler or more thoughtful than they are. Their retired teacher friends are like they are and tiptoe round their daughter in laws and often do alot of free childcare for them.

No, maybe not all retired teachers are controlling and dificult to be with, perhaps my friends inl's just have this as part of their personality and due to their careers it has got worse??? You are lucky as is your friends dil's

They just seem such bullies at times, it's not just with her it's with her sil(dh's brother's wife)aswell. They seem to have a strong idea and desire to do things in a certain way which rarely matches up with their ds's wife/family and when this happens they make such an issue out of it, my friend mentions how much this stresses her out.

Her dh isn't always assertative, generally has to be asked to say something most of the time - apparantly he has said him & his brother just went along with what they said for years as it was easier

My friend is dreading the xmas pressie question as they always want to buy her something personal, she usually gives their presents away to charity, as she just doesn't want any further reminders of them