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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband drinking

14 replies

user090909 · 18/06/2021 12:20

Hello

My husband has always loved a drink. Like he would happily plough through a ton of beers (only drinks beer) at client events etc
But his drinking always goes to extremes. He works with a man who has no kids but has a girlfriend. This guy is about 7 years younger than us. Whenever my OH goes out with this man things go horribly wrong
I'm not blaming solely this man- I appreciate you have to be responsible for your actions. The point is that in spite of huge issues arising every time my OH goes out with this man, he still does it.

We were in such a good spot when in lockdown and my mum highlights it's probably because we didn't have the pub as the third person in our relationship
The thing is- I'm out of ideas as to what to do.
Ideally I don't want to leave him (yet). I want to believe that there is a chance to salvage this. But when I get upset for example he just ignores me. On our date night on saturdat(where we got the bus home at 9.15 as he wasn't feeling well - since a 2 am finish on the Thursday before) he said he wanted to chat to me about how I have a go at him when he goes out because it just makes him not care even more (I was upset / cross - what am I meant to do?!? It totally ruined the night out to be honest).

So my oh has to do client entertainment but the clien will leave a lunch eg at 6.30 and my OH wil carry on with this colleague until eg 4 am. Meanwhile at home I'm upset, can't sleep, gettting upset about the fact I can't sleep and have work the next day, and we have furious chat over text where I tell him to come back and he ignores me and then when he comes back I always put DS in our bed and tell OH to go into DS room but he always forgets and comes in and when I try get him out he refuses to move.

I'm at my wits end
This happened wednesday night and he came in 4 am. Despite me telling him. Before he went out that we are leaving early Friday (he wanted to leave early!) for holiday and we had to pack up and I didn't want to start first holiday had in 15 months with a bad atmosphere. I repeatedly said please leave when your client leaves etc
He stated out until 4. When I had an issue at the house (back door jammed and wouldn't shut) at 9 pm he just passed the phone round the table where he was and made no sense. Then yesterday day he ignored me. In the evening he stayed watching tv until midnight and I went to bed as had had 30 minutes sleep (my child work at 4.30!)
I'm at my wits end. Now in the car for our "holiday"
He is ignoring me. He said"shall we be friends?" And tried to patch it up but I said you haven't even apologised?
He thinks I'm mental, no need to apologise for doing something he loves
I don't know what to do
We are on holiday with two couples I don't know, so I'm nervous about him just drinkingall week and I can't say anything. I'm also so tired as I didn't sleep Wednesday eve

Any tips on how to resolve this? I've already told him in past to curb his drinking but he laughs at me like I'm being stupid and says that it's part of his job to entertain
Which I get - but after the client goes home, he should go home ?!? I was worrying on Wednesday evening that something had happened to him and then the next day I thought if he gets mugged or something (and not harmed!) then maybe he will listen to that and not me bc I don't seem to be important enough for him to listen to me

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 18/06/2021 12:33

You can't resolve it. The only person who can resolve it is your husband. It doesn't sound as though he wants to so you either put up and shut up or leave.

Sorry not to have anything positive to say but from my own experience, and I bet there will be plenty of others who will come along and echo this, it will get worse as sure as eggs is eggs.

You cannot cure an alcoholic and the only person who will be harmed in the trying is you.

I hope you manage to have a nice holiday

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2021 12:39

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Did you yourself see a heavily drinking parent?.

The 3cs re alcoholism are that you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

You cannot resolve his inherent alcoholism; the only person who can help his own self here is him and he is showing no signs of actually wanting to do so.

You can help your own self though and I would suggest contacting Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. You are as caught up in this as he is albeit in different ways and you are playing out the usual roles associated with such spouses; enabler, provoker (because you never forget) and codependent partner.

Like so many posts of this type too its mainly about the alcoholic.
I would also consider if this is actually a marriage you want to remain in because you're being dragged down here by him. His primary relationship is with drink, not you, and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

username059471 · 18/06/2021 14:27

@user090909

Hello

OP throughout your post all you've done is highlight a very selfish self centred man. He ignores you and doesn't listen to you, even though you are deeply affected by his actions and does it all over again. He doesn't care about your feelings OP.

He thinks I'm mental, no need to apologise for doing something he loves

This smacks of selfishness and entitlement.

He doesn't even seem willing to compromise for you.

Start to get advice on divorce, gather all the information you need regarding mortgage, pensions, wages etc Get legal advice and then give him an ultimatum. He shapes up or ships out.

Wombats12 · 18/06/2021 14:43

Yeah, just leave. It won't get better if he won't even entertain your worries.

pointythings · 18/06/2021 15:50

Just leave him. This man does nothing for you. He doesn't care about you or his DS, he thinks only about his own enjoyment. You're honestly better off without him.

Toucan123 · 18/06/2021 16:14

This sounds almost exactly like my ex husband so I really do feel for you. I couldn't sleep for worrying about him and wishing he'd come home and when he eventually did come home he'd act like I was mental and say he couldn't see what the problem was. After seven years I was at the end of my tether and asked him to leave. I realised he was an alcoholic who would never change and would ALWAYS put alcohol before me.

Really sorry you're going through this OP but he's only going to get worse I'm afraid.

Holothane · 18/06/2021 16:48

This won’t get any better you need to leave it will wear you down and mentally break you, I’ve been there not a nice place to be. Hugs.

5475878237NC · 18/06/2021 18:24

I'd tell him he is ruining your marriage and you need a serious talk about a plan here.

ScabbyHorse · 18/06/2021 18:36

I would also suspect drugs especially cocaine if he's staying out til 4. What a prick. Can you go through his wallet and look for clear bags or paper wraps.

Ayayro · 18/06/2021 18:40

You are married to at an alcoholic, he's not going to change, ever!

You're the only one that can change your life, do the right thing and leave him, if not for you, for the sake of your poor child.

Cockenspiel · 18/06/2021 20:35

I’d also suspect cocaine if he’s drinking from the afternoon right through to 4am.

dudsville · 18/06/2021 20:49

OP, listen to the folks here. You're being given good advice. This isn't OK and your asking him to change, if it was going to help, would have done so long ago.

5128gap · 18/06/2021 21:01

You're not necessarily married to an alcoholic just because you're married to a man who prioritises having a good time in the pub over you and his family. Alcoholics do this because they are ill and can't behave responsibly around drink. As people have said, only they can change this, and even then, not very often, sadly.
Plenty of men like your husband are not alcoholics, and are quite capable of behaving responsibly, but are too selfish and entitled to do so, and there are no sanctions, so they carry on. This type are capable of change if they stand to lose something they value enough.

Alcemeg · 18/06/2021 21:53

The drinking is one thing. What makes it really a nuisance is that he disturbs your sleep. Could he not (a) let you know he'll be home late and (b) sleep on the sofa so as not to bother you when he gets in at 4am?

Mind you, "he wanted to chat to me about how I have a go at him when he goes out because it just makes him not care even more" sounds pretty awful.

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