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Original poster

Feel like the person you are dating is only there for the good times

24 replies

AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:37

Have been dating a man for almost 2 years. Started once a month and progressed. We live apart from had been seeing in each every weekend.

At the New Year I went through a tough spot and he stopped messaging - it appeared to cool and just waiver.

Back on track and it's been good. Lots of fun weekends.

Now I have family illness and struggling to cover care for parents and no messages of support. Almost phone silence. This weekend he is playing sport then father's day so meeting up with his family/dad etc for family get together.

I know he will barely message at all. I know I will be stressed and worried. I know that if I don't message much then he won't. I always take the lead. Sometimes want someone who would take the initiative a bit. Not just the fun bits.

Opinions?

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:38

Stressed and worried about my family that is - not about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:39

I guess what I am asking is how do I broach this in a non confrontational way.

Can someone help me with the words - polite but useful? I am useless at this.

OP posts:
Michaelangelo467 · 18/06/2021 08:45

But you are just his bit of fun. He hasn’t signed up for a relationship.

Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:47

@Michaelangelo467

But you are just his bit of fun. He hasn’t signed up for a relationship.
OK thanks.
OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:48

I think he struggles with negatives, illness, problems, etc. He never appears to know what to say to help, so says nothing.

OP posts:
Inthesameboatatmo · 18/06/2021 08:51

It does seem like he only wants the good times, what a shame it has taken you this long to realise.
But dont worry now you've seen the light , tell him that you dont feel like you are getting what you need or want from this relationship and move on with your life.
You will find someone deserving of you and who has you're back in tough times.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 18/06/2021 08:54

People have met and married in 2 years.

I think you need to say you don’t feel cared for when he behaves like this.

Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:55

@Inthesameboatatmo

It does seem like he only wants the good times, what a shame it has taken you this long to realise. But dont worry now you've seen the light , tell him that you dont feel like you are getting what you need or want from this relationship and move on with your life. You will find someone deserving of you and who has you're back in tough times.
Yes you are right. I realised but now is the sad period and back to OLD again. I do want a proper relationship with the good and bad and having each others backs.

In other ways he is lovely. I know many men and women settle for that. I did briefly chat to a man that settled rather than be alone but I don't want to be like that but OLD is so dire and so need to kick myself up the backside and sort myself out.

It helps hearing others say the same though.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:58

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

People have met and married in 2 years.

I think you need to say you don’t feel cared for when he behaves like this.

He was with his previous partner for 10 years and I think it was pretty much like this. They never lived together although she apparently suggested numerous times, they just couldn't agree on a property they both liked. I thought that sounded odd. Although I don't want to live with him so that bit suits us both, it's the lack of support, just a phone call or message of support, not in person that hurts the most.
OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 08:59

Oh well. Just feel sad and a waste of 2 years almost.

Need to attempt to get my mojo back, lose weight, make plans and look forward again once my family health problems have been sorted out.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/06/2021 09:00

Don't be like her.

She must look back at those 10 years and regret wasting them. 10 years of her life on a non-committal fairweather friend.

romdowa · 18/06/2021 09:01

I'm with my dp over 2 and a half years, we live together, engaged, baby on the way and have been there for each other through the good, the bad and the ugly and moved house several times 🤣🤣 don't settle for less, it will make you so unhappy, you deserve someone who has your back in this life because life throws shit from time to time and it can't be all good times.

Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 18/06/2021 09:04

Yes you are right.

Thanks for your responses.

OP posts:
Purplealienpuke · 18/06/2021 09:05

You sound like your self esteem is low. You don't need a man to validate you.
Do you have friends who you can talk to?
This man doesn't sound like he's your 'one' if you're being honest with yourself.
He's not a bastard or a bad person, you just want different things from the relationship.
Time to move on. Take some time to love yourself 💐

KarensGobbyChops · 18/06/2021 09:12

@Michaelangelo467

But you are just his bit of fun. He hasn’t signed up for a relationship.
Harsh!
Michaelangelo467 · 18/06/2021 10:52

Harsh but true. And actually there’s nothing wrong with enjoying sharing good and fun times with another person. It’s just the OP wants more and he doesn’t, that’s all.

Michaelangelo467 · 18/06/2021 11:01

OP, you don’t have to bin him off. It’s nice to have someone to have fun with. Just start looking for someone else who can offer a more rounded experience to you. Your current man can stay a great friend.

wobblywinelover · 18/06/2021 13:45

He sounds like a bit of an emotionally unavailable robot. Life comes with good times and bad times. It doesn't take much to be kind or show a bit of support when needed. Radio silence is just ignorant IMO. How would he feel if you were unsupportive to him and did the same thing?

Not a keeper OP

Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 19/06/2021 11:34

@Michaelangelo467

OP, you don’t have to bin him off. It’s nice to have someone to have fun with. Just start looking for someone else who can offer a more rounded experience to you. Your current man can stay a great friend.
That's what I was thinking
OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 19/06/2021 11:37

@Michaelangelo467

Harsh but true. And actually there’s nothing wrong with enjoying sharing good and fun times with another person. It’s just the OP wants more and he doesn’t, that’s all.
I chatted to him last night about how I feel. He says he is fully committed but struggles to show feelings. He was abandoned by his mother as a young boy and lived with his father who appears to be quite distant in many ways. I think it is the way they are, product of upbringing and communication is basic and limited and not the softer things that many of us find important.

I will take the fun for now and see if things change and if not as another suggested earlier look for a person more suited to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceLivesHere · 19/06/2021 11:37

@Purplealienpuke

You sound like your self esteem is low. You don't need a man to validate you. Do you have friends who you can talk to? This man doesn't sound like he's your 'one' if you're being honest with yourself. He's not a bastard or a bad person, you just want different things from the relationship. Time to move on. Take some time to love yourself 💐
Thanks
OP posts:
CtackerToad · 19/06/2021 11:50

If you know that you can live without support from them carry on. Perhaps you have other friends & family who will support you instead ?

However, if they have an issue will you support them ?

Support usually works 2 ways

Perhaps they see you as a FWB, but no emotional attachment?

Whoknows89 · 19/06/2021 11:52

This ‘relationship’ has to end .

Fireflygal · 19/06/2021 12:28

Please don't try to fix him or think he will change. Being with someone who you share an intimate life with but then ignores your emotions invalidates you and causes harm. I assume you offer him emotional support?

If you were able to JUST have good times that would be fine but I don't know of you can shift your expectations so this will just drain you.

It is actually worse sometimes to have a partner (so people assume you have support) but the reality is you are alone.

If he has "mother" issues then he may never be able to change so this won't get better.

I didn't figure out that Ex was like this for quite a few years (also negative relationship with his mum) and it impacted me significantly. People expected me to have support, whereas when I was single I got much more emotional support.

The thought of finding someone else is daunting but the alternative is to disengage from him and just see him as a FWB. It isn't a relationship if he can't do emotional support for you..I'm sure it works for him but you are just treading water wasting more years. Can you really disengage and just have fun times??

The lack of finding a house with his Ex suggests he either can't compromise or really isn't able to commit to anyone. Staying may feel easier now but ime it causes more harm and therefore greater recovery time. I wish I had the insight to bail after 2 years but didn't have MN and assumed he would be capable of change (because he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me).

Take the hard road now as it's often the shortest route longterm.

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