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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he have to spoil everything?

42 replies

sallycream · 18/06/2021 08:22

My partner ruins every thing we ever plan.
Booked the races today.
I've been excited to go for weeks.
He has ear ache and has been to docs and they've told him he has a lot of wax in ear but the NHS won't syringe ears now and it's £60 private.
He won't pay it,he has been putting ear drops in for 6 months.

Anyway this morning I got up excited and said "can't wait this will be fun"
He replied "no it won't,I don't even want to go,it's going to rain and I have a bad ear"

Moaning about this ear but won't pay the £60 to fix it!!

Last week we went for a meal.
Face like a slapped arse.
Didn't even speak,moaned about everything.

OP posts:
PacifyLulu · 18/06/2021 08:24

Why do you think he does it OP? Is he cheery about other things in life?

TheSunShinesBright · 18/06/2021 08:25

Is it worth it OP? I put up with this shit for years.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2021 08:28

He does this because he can and I would think he does this to "punish" you for actually planning and or otherwise booking a meal out or a trip to the races. Its being done also to make you feel miserable too, he is dragging you down with him.

What is the point of being with someone like this fun sponge?. What are you getting out of this relationship with him?.

VubblesDeBere · 18/06/2021 08:30

Can you go on your own without him?

ApplesandBananas21 · 18/06/2021 08:30

Take someone else with you

VettiyaIruken · 18/06/2021 08:30

Go without him.

Original poster
sallycream · 18/06/2021 08:31

He has always been miserable.
This is just his character.
Same way for 20 years now.

I told him to take some painkillers.
He won't -as he doesn't like to take painkillers.

We will still go and il just do my own thing once I'm there.

OP posts:
TheSunShinesBright · 18/06/2021 08:32

I would also leave him at home OP.
You don’t need him dragging behind you like a sulky toddler.

Frazzledd · 18/06/2021 08:32

Can you go with someone else? I'd tell him to stay put and go and enjoy your day!

YouShouldLeave · 18/06/2021 08:33

Anxiety?
Depression?

Original poster
sallycream · 18/06/2021 08:33

Unfortunately not.
We are leaving in two hours to travel there and too short notice for my friends.

If he was going with one of his friends I know for a fact he would be totally different.

OP posts:
RodiganReed · 18/06/2021 08:36

It's a well known tactic of coercive control, they never 'stop' you doing anything but they suck so much joy out of everything and create such a fuss that it makes you not want to go places or do things, and the consequence is that your world gets smaller and smaller.

Is he controlling in other ways OP?

Windmillwhirl · 18/06/2021 08:37

If he was going with one of his friends I know for a fact he would be totally different.

Why are you accepting this? You can enjoy life without this misery guts you know.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 18/06/2021 08:37

Maybe ignore him for now but make future plans for things like this with friends and leave him at home? Also I would maybe put together a few stock responses to his moaning (such as 'oh dear,' 'ok' and of course 'mmm') then talk about something else.
He clearly enjoys having something to moan about or he would have paid the £60 to have his ear done so I would stop trying to solve his problems and move on to barely acknowledging the moaning or go nuclear and tell him he's being a miserable arse

TheSunShinesBright · 18/06/2021 08:37

@sallycream

Unfortunately not. We are leaving in two hours to travel there and too short notice for my friends.

If he was going with one of his friends I know for a fact he would be totally different.

Why can’t you just go with your friends?
TheSunShinesBright · 18/06/2021 08:39

@YouShouldLeave

Anxiety? Depression?
Maybe but the OP doesn’t need to suffer at his hands or as a consequence.
Gwenhines · 18/06/2021 08:42

If it's just wax and he's already softened it by using drops for so long then get him to use an otex ear syringe kit. Flush the blockage out wwith warm water. Much cheaper than £60.

www.google.com/aclk?sa=L&ai=DChcSEwiDtvj61qDxAhXj6O0KHayiCB4YABAGGgJkZw&ae=2&sig=AOD64_3TcDKP0eyIEhTIr8WLawRsENw_uw&ctype=5&q=&ved=2ahUKEwjZ3vD61qDxAhVNTsAKHRKnAuoQwg96BAgBECI&dct=1&adurl=

DENNYCRANE · 18/06/2021 08:42

Because he hates you.

It sadly is that simple.

timeisnotaline · 18/06/2021 08:44

New rule: plan all your fun times out without him. You can sit him down and tell him. He is not invited. Why would you?

And if that makes your life better, then maybe getting rid of him altogether would make it even better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2021 08:45

You've put up with this level of coercive control from him for the best part of 20 years and that has done you no favours. Did your own father behave similarly to your mother when you were growing up?.

He behaves like this in this particular instance because YOU want to go to the races. He cannot bear to see you at all happy and or enjoying yourself with your friends.

Bagelsandbrie · 18/06/2021 08:46

If your friends are there just go without him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/06/2021 08:46

Re the OPs comment:-
"If he was going with one of his friends I know for a fact he would be totally different".

And that is why I doubt anxiety or depression. What he is exerting here is control. He is depressed because he is angry, not because he is depressed.

Mumdiva99 · 18/06/2021 08:47

My husband can be that much fun!!! He's fine in the home so no I won't LTB. But his anxiety kicks in and manifests itself in lots of ways that suck the fun out of an occasion. So I go with friends. Its not ideal....but it is who he is...

Look at the big picture of your relationship. And take a deep breathe. Enjoy the races when you get there. Next year book to go with a friend.

MerryDecembermas · 18/06/2021 09:13

Leave him at home. Don't ask, tell. "You are going to ruin my day, I won't let you. You are officially uninvited from MY day out. Bye!"

Bananalanacake · 18/06/2021 09:36

Is he controlling in other ways. How would he react if you went out with friends and did whatever you want without him at all. Stop including him in your plans if he's miserable.